Buzz

So I have a new adventure to tell you about. He is going to die when he reads this but I guess I'll take that chance because I've never really known when to shut up. We are calling him Buzz. To infinity and beyond! That's not really why I chose that nickname but it's funny regardless. For some reason he does keep coming around, so I guess we are off to a good start. But then again I usually think that. I can't get enough of him. He's like a drug for me. Completely different than anyone I have ever been with. I can't get a read from him though. Sometimes I think he's really into me, then he tells me he's seeing other girls. Hmmm. My girlfriends say red flags should be going off in my head. And they are, but I've been ingoring them. He's so sure of himself that it's annoying sometimes. I rarely have had confidence issues but sometimes around him I'm finding myself wondering if I really am cut out for this? He says a lot of women can't handle it, the jealousy and what not. I have never been a crazy jealous person but something about him kind of brings it out of me. But at the same time he doesn't really owe me anything. We still don't know each other that well. I don't know anymore. My mind is constantly racing with thoughts of him. My head says run away!! My heart says one more chance...maybe two? I guess there is always going to be some sort of issues in a relationship, nothing is ever going to be perfect. I guess I just have to decide if I can live with it in a way that doesn't make either one of us crazy. Why does he have to be so adorable? It's an evil trap.

Bridal Tip: Try to relax before the ceremony. Stress shows in photos.

Myself

Work is getting to me. I thought I would last longer working the two jobs then I have so far. Seems like I was stronger in Seattle. Or just had better will power. I'm tired, it runs me ragged working all day and night. It's completely messed my schedule up. Working til late, too much caffeine, too little sleep. I'm sure it has got to catch up to me sooner rather than later. Thinking back to last week, I'm not even sure how I made it til now. No wonder my patience was wearing thin with everyone today. It's like I have been spending so much time with people, being my fake self that I forgot who I really am. It's true though I have a completely seperate persona that works with my clients. Keeps me sane. It would be funny though if they knew the real me. I'm just a lot less perky, a lot less caring, a lot more cynical. Funny. I genuniely love people though. That's why this life works for me. Maybe I can't remember their drink but I can remember that their dogs name is Morrison and they just resided their house with green, maroon, and white. I'm sure they would rather I just get their drinks though.

Hopeless Dreamer

So things have changed a little bit for me lately. Working a lot. Just enjoyed my first day off since starting the second job. And my cable was out because I haven't paid my bill. Ironic, since I'm not sure how long it has been out, but sucky since it was my day off. I finally ended up loading the dogs in the car and driving half way across town to get a movie I've been wanting to see. So I met this man who is really great. Turns out I met him in the mist of my downward spiral and just got to know him when I needed it most. The only problem is, he thinks I have issues. Little does he know...he's right. I am scared. He's the only man in my life lately that I actually care if he comes around again. But I do. Well actually I go back and forth between he hasn't called me and maybe it's better he hasn't called me. I guess at this point in life the only thing that would actually surprise me is if he stuck around. I feel like my chances have got to be getting better since I have been having such shitty luck lately. I don't know anymore. I'm really just trying to deal with life as it's coming at me. Things can change in an instant and I just have to refocus to accommodate. And for the most part I generally feel like I'm getting it. I have been dealing pretty well, being really flexible in my plans. Refocusing my goals. Working on my patience with customers. I literally look at that tattoo 15 times daily and remind myself to stay patient. Everyone has their one issue. Something that is so important to them and their experience. Like the beer at their wedding or the rate at which their Keno ticket is processed. Or something that is so important to their being. Like the drama at their club or a couple burnt racks of ribs. Things that aren't the end of the world, but to that person - it's everything. My point is that people aren't perfect. I'm not perfect. Most the time I can realize my mistake but most the time I still make it at least one more time before it really hits home. Everybody is different and has that one thing that makes them tick. For me it's insecurity of being abandoned, some people it's jealousy, some people alcoholism, some people popularity, some people status. Everyone in this world who is living life, is living with issues. Every experience we have is priming us for a choice we will make in the future. So how do we counteract for this? I'm not sure. I know I don't want to feel the way I do. Or act the way I do because of a feeling. But I do it anyway. I guess the main thing is whether or not you can live with someone elses issues. I can't make anyone like me or want me no matter how badly I want them to. So why keep worrying about it? I guess because deep down there is still a hope in me that one of these times I'm going to get it right and it's going to work. Because one of these times it is going to. But if I don't keep trying I will never know. And with every experience I'm getting stronger and wiser....Hopefully.

Event tip : I get it - it's urgent. But trust me at the end of the day. It truly can wait.

How many times can I break til I shatter

I'm tired tonight. Tired of working, tired of waiting on someone to call, tired of putting a smile on my face, just tired of it all. I was thinking as I was driving tonight, that is almost as if things were going to well for me so the universe decided to flip the switch and change it up. Not that things are really that bad. Sue told me that there is always something worse. And she's right. She's usually right :) It's true though, there is always something worse. I'm making money. I have a great family. I don't know why I feel so discontent. I'm bummed about the business stuff. So much time and hard work down the drain. I don't know anymore where this road is going. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a business woman. I have been doing my best to push all of the thoughts out and just work, so once I finally get some off time it's hitting me hard. Plus having to smile and listen to all the bullsh*t when I really want to tell them to shut up, I really don't care, makes me want to go a little crazy. I felt like I was really on track. Headed toward somewhere I wanted to be. Now I have no idea where I'm going. I know it's all going to be okay. I just need to take a deep breath and refocus.

Fear

I wish that something I was so excited about wasn't so intimidating for the world. I know when people think outside the box and when they want something out of the ordinary it can be scary for people to process. Everyone is talking so loud, I can't even hear what I want anymore. I have been trying to stay strong with my thoughts and my ideas. I knew when I started this that everyone was going to have an issue. But now I feel like I don't even really know what I want anymore. This is my dream come true. I know the risk. I understand the responsibility. I have thought about it more than everyone thinks. I respect the fear and the concern. I realize that I have not always made the best decisions in the past. I'm trying to look into my future and make the decisions that move me to where I want to be. How am I supposed to make the right decision for me when everyone is telling me what I'm supposed to do with myself? And to what extent am I supposed to listen? Do I just give up everything I have been working for to make them more comfortable? I think part of the problem is that they are afraid I might be successful. Make too much money, be too powerful and independent to need them anymore. I know that I could fail. But that doesn't scare me. I've experienced a lot of failure in my 24 years. I'm not sure that there is a such thing as failure. So I try something new and it doesn't work. It wouldn't be the first time. Sure I'm scared. I have thought about every possible thing that could go wrong. But if we all lived like that there wouldn't be entrepreneurs and famous actors and overseas teachers. I just can't imagine my life anyway else. All of my life I have always thought about my future. I used to imagine going away to college and then I spent 4 wonderful years at O State. I used to imagine I had a dog, now I have two. I always imaginedbI would be independent and live and work in the city, now I'm pretty close to that. Now I imagine that I own and run my own business. That I am making money and doing my thing. For me it's a natural progression. I'm not scared because I know what I'm capable of. I trust myself. I just wish other people would trust me to make the right decision for me. I hate that I'm questioning myself now just because of all their gossip. I am putting my faith in the situation and praying that somehow in the next day I'll be able to make a decision that everyone can live with. But mainly I just care about if I am able to live with it. It would just be easier if everyone were supportive unconditionally. It makes me want to prove them all wrong. I can't entertain the thought that it might not work because then it might not work. I have to only think positive and keep thinking about the future or I will always be stuck right here, never moving forward. Paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. Well what I do know is I'm good at what I do, I love it and it's not work to me. It soothes my mind when I can't think straight. As I work through the details of an event it calms my nerves and focuses my thoughts. As I see my vision and my notes come to life, I feel accomplished. I watch ceremonies and toasts and dancing, it makes me happy and hopeful. I was born for this.

Bridal tip of the day: Hire a videographer. You will not regret it.

Cheaters

Twice in one week I've had to have a conversation with Joce about men with girlfriends. Twice in one week, on two seperate occasions I've been out with men who called me, asked me out, and after getting me on the hook told me that they have girlfriends. Hmmm...not a pattern I'm liking. At least they are honest? I feel like there is nothing more to say. You have a girlfriend, I'm single. It's not fair to her, it's not fair to me. Really the only one winning here is him. First, Harrison. Which is neat, since I've been hanging out with him for months and he's always been sketch. Now I know why. I feel like I knew. I knew it had to be another girl. If he's not hanging out with me, then there definitely must be another woman. And I don't really want to be the other woman. I guess because it's so taboo it's kind of exciting. But really the only one who's going to get hurt here is me. He's not leaving, although if your boyfriend were cheating on you. Why would you stay? Once a cheater always a cheater, or so I've heard. Next time you see me it's going to be on Cheaters with Joe Grace and a camera crew up in my face and some crazy b*tch trying to stab me. Maybe it's best I just don't respond anymore. I'll work on that.

This Year

Wedding season this year is a lot slower than I am used to. I have done a lot more of my own weddings this year which is nice. Branching out a bit. I got in from vacation at 2AM and had to get up at 7AM to start the day. Wedding setup. I got a sunburn. All that time in BFE Oklahoma in the crazy heat and not once did I even get a hint of red. Neat. Oh Oregon, how I missed thee. Stephanie's wedding is this week. I can't believe it's here finally, we have been working on this for a year now. I realized today that this is the first wedding that I have been really close to. I can only imagine how Stephanie is feeling. For me it's all professional. I know I will show up, setup, be hot, have only a quick second to change, stress out a bit, and then it will be over. That's my routine, although lately I get a lot less stressed than I used to when I was starting out. One of my events this weekend was having all sorts of issues and when I would usually be upset, I finally just accepted that this happens. I guess it's about time. I have done enough weddings at this point. I'm excited for what the future will bring me. I know it is going to be an amazing life with amazing brides and extraordinary events. At the end of the day, the end of the weekend, the end of the month. I still love what I do.

Bridal Tip of the day: Enjoy it. All the planning and the hype are finally here. You deserve to sit back, relax, and enjoy the day with the man or woman you love.