Everyone has told me before that I should have a reality show. This is your connection to my life as the event diva...
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Myspace
I was feeling particularly low one night after watching My Sister's Keeper, drinking a bottle of wine, and crying my eyes out. I started thinking about Buzz. I was thinking maybe it was my fault. Damn booze. Sure he f***ed another chick, took pictures, and sent them to me, but I'll take the blame. Somehow as women it is always our fault anyway. I logged on Myspace. He had defriended me after our last big blowout. I tried to message him but he only accepts messages from friends. I tried to friend him but he had blocked me. I gave up in a drunken haze thinking I would email him in the morning if I still felt like it. I didn't. Once again, Myspace saved me from myself.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
I Ain't Settlin
I don't want to settle. I'm very firm on my belief that I can wait until "the right man" comes along. I'm being to feel like the right man is the equivalent to the holy grail. You know it exists, but you will never find it. I think that's why we have so much divorce lately. In the older days, people were forced to settle because divorce was so taboo. Now it's much more common so people aren't worried about the ramifications of a divorce. It's like tattoos, everyone's got one these days. It's more rare to find someone without. These days people for are my age usually have 3 kids with 2 different dads and have been divorced at least once. People our parents age have most likely been divorced 3 or 4 times.
We see it in the media, it's a race down the aisle. People who don't get married typically last longer than those who do. Still, the damage done by society still remains in effect today. Women are expected to grow up and get married, pop out some kids. Everyone celebrates marriage, but those of us who are still single at 25, 28, or God forbid 30, are looked at with sad eyes that say "Don't worry it will happen for you." Just what I want, my very own loveless marriage. The new message for women should be don't settle. Focus and your career and your needs, and eventually the rest will happen. Not to mention that it will be a more meaningful and adult relationship than anything you could have produced at 20.
Relationship
Sometimes I think him and I are meant to be. I have always kept him around. I like him, I really do. I think he knows me better than I know myself. I you ask him, he would probably say the same. The miracle is, he loves me anyway. He told me today that we have a strange, dysfunctional relationship, but that he'd rather have that than nothing at all. I feel completely the same way. I don't know what I would do without him. I told him that I need him. We both know that's a lie. I don't need anyone. I want him and that's a very big difference.
It amazes me that after everything he knows I've done and everything he knows I'll do. He's never asked me to change. He's the only man I have ever been with that has really accepted all of me and stayed anyway. He's got a girlfriend so maybe that's why he can tolerate me. He doesn't actually have to see me. The men who have to actually be around me know better. I'm capable of really anything. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm going to do. Being predictable is really not one of my strong suits. I guess that's why I'm not a relationship person.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Technology
I had a bride text me the other day asking some questions about the facility. I am going to have to start programming all my brides and clients into my phone because I had no idea who it was. I didn't want to ask her because I do want her to feel like she is the only bride I have to worry about, although that is not the case. It's becoming a regular occurence though. I had a client I work with a bunch text me about a lunch he needed catered. It works though, spare me the phone call, I don't have time anyway. I love the text. I'm going to start telling brides, text me if you have questions, ha. Love it. It's going to be so much easier. Blackberry IM me if you have questions. Don't call or email. Wow. Technology right. This is where my focus should always be. I feel good about myself when work is going well. I get less complaints and more compliments. I lost site of that for a bit and I'm glad it's back this way. I guess it's all about balance. Work has always been something I'm really good at. I work hard, people love me, and I'm good with details. I guess it's all about balance. Having a social life, personal life, time alone, time with family, time with dogs, time with the man, plus work. Brides don't care what is going on in my life, this is all about them. And it should be.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Moving On
I was missing Buzz today. More than usual. I think more than anything I miss the idea of him. I'm actually doing really good. I am sad with the way things ended but I guess that is part of life. We don't ever get to choose how things go for us. As much as I may have wanted it to work it just wasn't in the cards for us. I must say that I am enjoying the woman that I have become after Buzz. I am finally getting back into a good place. Things have been rocky, but I am really moving forward. I love that he inspired me to be clean. I am aware of the house more than I was before. I still need a little help, but the first step is admitting that you have a problem :) I have made so many changes to my place. The energy is changing from all the changes I have made and it's funny that he's never even been here to see them. That was part of the problem, he could never see what I was doing for him. I'm finally getting back into the swing of things. I'm myself again with friends and I'm back spending more time with family. I'm loving the time I spend at home and the dogs are under control. Pansy is off the counters and sleeping in her bed in her room. She still sits on the kitchen table sometimes but I'm working on it. I am getting back into my groove at work. I'm on my phone calls, answering the cell and chatting with little old ladies for twenty minutes on the phone at 9:30 at night about the difference between smoked and grilled chicken. I had an appointment today with my new florist and I feel confident about my vision for Bridal Preview. I'm excited about the design and I feel good about the new vendor relationship. I had lost sight of how happy this life makes me. I forgot how it felt to be excited about the planning and the details to make my vision come to life. I'm finally scrapbooking again and doing some of my best work ever. I figure the writing will come too. Baby steps.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Timing
I work in an industry where I deal with couples all the time. I deal with brides every day. Happy couples are everywhere. I love what I do. I really do. I am so lucky to be able to work with people every day. And I'm good at it. I think it is harder to be a single woman than it is to be a single man. Men move on very easily after a breakup. They quickly find another woman to spend their time with and they forget. Woman internalize a lot of emotion. We rethink all of our actions throughout the duration of the relationship. We wonder where he's at and who he's with. Does he miss us? It's hard to want to put yourself out there again after feeling what we do after a relationship has run it's course. Women are amazing creatures. We are strong and resilient. We pick ourselves up after a fall like this and move along. This experience the past few weeks has changed me. And now that I'm not drinking anymore I'm finally seeing things clearly. It's amazing how the timing of it all can be so off though. Not only with Buzz, but with Joey. I don't know why or how we got to this place again. It was almost exactly a year ago that we were here before. I was thinking tonight that I have been selfish. I have no right to even think he should give me a second chance. Because now all of a sudden I'm ready, I think he should drop everything for me. It's not fair to him. I wasn't ready before, he isn't ready now. The time is off and who knows what the future will hold.
Friday, October 23, 2009
The Past
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The illusion of relationships

I just had to say "It's not you, it's me" on a first date. It's getting to that. My dating life has got to that point. I'm not even going to continue the date, it stops here and I'm going home. Sometimes I think it's me that's the reason I'm still single. But then I see a really great couple come into my office. They are older a few years than me and I think this is what I'm waiting for, a relationship that is going to last. Guys are always worried that a woman is trying to trick them into a relationship. If I have to hear I'm not looking for a relationship one more time I am seriously going to punch the next guy in the balls. It's kind of like a polite way of saying I just want to get laid. So what they are really saying is I'm going to pretend it's going somewhere while the sex is good and until I find someone else I like better. I'm not a relationship person. I usually assume the role of the man. I don't want to talk about feelings or hang out every day. I love being alone. I really do. I think that guys think they don't want a relationship because it means being tied down. But they are all to willing to tie you down. Like with Buzz, he's free spirit because he likes to sleep around. But when I do it, I'm a big whore. Funny thing, I tamed down for him. Everyone who knows me knows, I'm not into relationships. It's too much work. I always know what I'm doing. How I'm feeling. What I'm thinking. I can't worry about someone else. It's too much. I think that women who know what they want and wont settle for less are really intimidating to a man. He thinks he's the cat's pajamas and when I don't feel the same he gets pissed and leaves for that girl who won't leave because she is actually holding on to the belief that one day it will just be the two of them. I think some people are just hopelessly single. Like me. I'm only dating married, engaged, or men with girlfriends from now on. That way I can send them home to their bitch when they start to piss me off. I don't have time to deal with your issues. I've got enough of my own.
PS. I just saw a couple riding a tandem bicycle and I threw up a little bit in my mouth.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Life
It's weird how the seasons change. Almost without you even knowing about it. I looked down today as I was entering my house and realized there were leaves everywhere. It's fall again. I guess it has happened gradually. It was getting colder outside I need a jacket in the morning, the house is cold when I get home from work. I was just too caught up in myself to notice. Seasons change. Life changes everyday. I feel like time is literally passing me by. Just yesterday I was sitting across the street from Chi Omega in Jocelyn's little red Honda chatting and drinking Bud Light. Now I'm a 25 year old woman, single living with two dogs and a cat I don't really like. I seem to have lost my way. Somewhere just recently everything derailed and I'm not quite sure how to get it back. I used to love everyday. I loved what I was doing and just living life how I wanted. Now I'm in debt, working my ass off, still paying bills late. Life used to be much less complicated. Relationships used to be much less complicated. We all had the same goal in mind in college - graduate. It was easy to find someone with common interests because they type of people you were meeting were relatively the same. Life was easy. Love was easy. Now I'm just a big lush sleeping around and getting arrested.
Don't worry, the arrest story is coming. I just haven't perfected it yet. And if you haven't heard it. Be prepared.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Lost

I can't describe how I'm feeling right now. I go from acceptance to fear to funny. I just keep thinking why me? What do I keep doing wrong? I know I made poor choices. But I feel like it's too late to fix them now. I don't even know where to begin. I feel completely lost and alone. No one really knows what I'm going through. I'm trying to accept that the past is past and now all I can do is look to the future. I can't change what I've done. But I can change what I do. I need to start making the changes I want to see in myself. I keep saying oh next time. There is no more time. The time has to be now, that's the only way I will see the improvements if I start making the effort now, not tomorrow. I messed up. More than once.. I know right from wrong, I am an adult. I have to take responsibility for myself and get myself out of this mess. I know what my goals are. I know the woman I want to be. The difficult part is being her right now when all I want to do is feel sorry for myself and give up. But despair isn't a good color on me. I just have to focus on my goals, see who I want to be, and make the changes to accompany. Everything happens for a reason. I also believe that God doesn't lead us to situations we can't handle. Tomorrow is another day.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Insomnia
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Move On
Now's the hard part. We move on.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Heartbreak

I'm heartbroken. Sad to the point of silence. Which for those who know me must mean it's really bad. I didn't turn the TV on or push play on the Ipod when I got home tonight. I literally want to be alone with myself and my thoughts. How did I get here? To this point of no return, to the point where nothing that I can think or say will make anything better. Nothing I can do will make anything better. Acceptance. It happened…move on. Sadness and tears can only get me so far. Anger and hatred can get me a bit further. This is the end. I hope that this is it. I can barely function and focus on anything but him. I'm looking for something, anything, to get me through this. A man, a bottle, a cigarette. My mind is reeling. I'm a talker, I love to fight and yell and scream til it's over. It's the silence that hurts me. It breaks me down so I feel alone and disoriented. I don't know where to go from here. As a child, I would cry or scream or throw something. As an adult, I'm in my own home with my own things so I can't break anything, I can't scream because I have neighbors, and I can't cry because the tears just won't come. So instead I just sit here alone. Broken and silent wondering where to go from here. I can't think very long term, but I'm thinking a glass of wine and a really hot shower first. After that, who knows?
Fight


Glen told me once don't pull someone into the alley until you know how they fight. So people fight fair and honest. Some people are mean and violent. I'm usually mean and violent. Not with him though, he may not think so but he got off easy. I had so many mean and nasty things I wanted to say but I held back. I don't really want to hurt him. After everything, I really don't. We just have two personalities that don't fit together. It happens all the time. Statistics show that most relationships don't work out. It still hurts though. I'm devastated. I could handle most things. Angry words are just that. But I feel that he brings up the other woman because he knows exactly what button to push of mine. What she has that I don't. I know exactly what button to push of his. I'm not innocent. I danced around it but never said exactly what I was thinking. Bottom line. I didn't want to hurt him like that. It seems like he had no problem doing it to me though.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Monogomay
So after all we've been through the back and forth it finally came to an end. After what I thought and understood to be a reconciliation I find out that Buzz slept with the other woman just recently. Recently as in directly after we were heading toward reconciliation. Wtf. Really. Why does this always happen to me? Well, I guess not really this exact situation. This has never happened to me. But why do I get guys who can't commit, who are hooked on other chicks, or who are generally just tools. After a screaming fight, he turns it around to me and what I'm doing wrong to not get him to myself. I can't help but feel that maybe he's right. Maybe it is me. I'm not doing something right to deserve him. But as he's talking I realize I don't know why he says he likes me so much because he tells me he hates nearly everything about me. I'm heartsick. I think I could have dealt if it were before when we were having problems. He says he was done with the show and ready to celebrate. But the point is he decides to celebrate inside another woman and tell me about it. Im sick about it. Literally. I let him take me to lunch and I fall back into the trap for another day. I cried on Friday after I tried to contact him twice with no response. I realized I would never trust him again and it hurts. It hurts so bad I feel like I can't breathe. I can't stop thinking about him and this other girl. Something is not right about this. This can't be love it hurts too much. I want to be with him. That's what sucks. I really do. At the end of the day, I want to be with him. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm drawn to him. I feel broken by him now. I can't do this. I'm never going to be okay with this. It's just not me. He says he's worth it and I want to believe him, but I don't. I'm never going to be the only one. There is always going to be another girl who is more supportive, or skinnier, or prettier, or less crazy. I should be enough that he doesn't care. I think he played me all along to believe that it could happen when he had no intention of ever following through. It's the perfect way to not ever be expected to be monogamous. WHat he didn't understnad is that trust has always been more important to me that monogomay. But this week, I lost all my trust in him.
Lesson learned. Don't date boys who date other girls too. He should want to be exclusive when it's right. If not, move on fast.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Time will tell
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
All the single ladies
Event tip: It's okay if it rains. I have thought of a rain plan.
Monday, September 7, 2009
And the world spins madly on
Ring
I keep waiting on the phone to ring. I just want to be with him today. I keep thinking he's going to call, but really I know better. Any day but today. I feel like on birthdays it's supposed to be happiness and fun. Not sadness and remorse. I want to cry and scream. My body won't let me. I just feel low. Why did he have to wait til now? Boys suck.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Alone
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Committment
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Image

I don't know how things fell apart so quickly. It was like all of sudden there I was looking at my dream, now here I am further away then before. I truly believe that everything does happen for a reason, so I know that there is a reason for all this to be happening now instead of how I'd planned it. I just feel like I lost control, I had everything worked out and then in an instant it's all gone. I'm scared to try again. I already feel like such a failure, I'm not sure I can go through it all again. But I guess it's all a learning process. I am just frustrated because I'm not quite sure how to get it all back. I have been trying to refocus, change my energy a bit. I imagine that I'll work through it on my own in a matter of time and everyone else will just have to wait. I have been looking at myself in the mirror and I'm not sure I even know who I am anymore. Something has changed. I'm so much further away from what I wanted to be doing. I barely see brides anymore. My job has taken me out of the field and into an office with no windows and bitchy coworkers. I have no idea how this all happened. It's devastating to take a blow like this and figure out exactly where to go from here. It is liberating to know that I will figure it out.
Event tip: Don't worry about it. I'm sure it's not that big of deal.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Messy
Event tip: Leave a message. I will call you back.
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Already Gone
Girl don't you lose your heart yet
But his dark eyes dared me with danger
And sparks fly like flame to a paper
Fire in his touch burning me up
But still I held on
'Cause I was already gone
Here's to the night
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Peace
Something has been on my mind for awhile now and I have got to put it out there. It's eating me alive. I'm a little afraid to say anything, because I'm afraid eventually he is going to see my blog. I've told him about it, but he doesn't know where to find it...yet. So I'm not sure if this is going to work for me. This whole other chicks thing. It's freaking my sh*t out. I think maybe I'm looking for excuses to get out early. I feel as though I'm having all these crazy jealous thoughts and this is really not who I am. Nor who I want to be. I am really struggling with all these thoughts. I keep going back and forth over - I'm okay with it and get me the f*ck out of this. So here is what I think... at the moment - it hurts me that he's out with other women. I don't know what he's doing and how he is with her. Maybe they get along better or who knows what. I'm paranoid that he's going to leave me for her. It sucks. I hate this. I'm not like this. But what am I supposed to think. Maybe I'm old fashioned but I think when you are into someone seriously you stop seeing other people. Guys have been asking me out too and I feel like maybe I should go out with them. But then am I doing it out of spite? He's says he doesn't want to wear a leash so if I say something I'm inflicting that on him. I don't want to give him an ultimatum and I think that's what stopping me from saying anything at all. I can't do it. This has been on my mind for two straight days. I can't live like this. Jealous and lost in thoughts of him. It makes me insecure. I feel like I should be good enough to have him to myself. And what do they think, the other girls. To them I'm the other girl and that has already happened to me once this summer. What do they think about the situation? Do they hope that he eventually wants to be with them only? Are they really okay with it and do they really know? I haven't had time this weekend to sit and actually process all these thoughts since now. I think part of me is scared to lose him because I don't think he'll stay if he knows whats on my mind. I'm not sure I'm ready to lose him. I like him. I am happy to have met him. I have loved the time we spent together but maybe that's it. Now that it's out there I feel some peace. My mind is finally at ease. Now I just have to figure out what to do with it.
I just got out of the shower. Something I do when trying to get rid of negative thoughts. I wanted to cry like I have wanted to over a lot of the aspects in my life and nothing came out. I stood there in the water, super hot, like I like it and couldn't find any tears. I'm sad. I just think I'm all cried out. It never gets me anywhere. I need to get some sleep. I don't even like me anymore. I hate being this annoying, needy, possessive girl. I'm not comfortable in this position and I spent a long time trying to put qualities like this behind me. When I see the woman I want to be I have to be true to that. Putting aside my thoughts, and my personal beliefs is completely undermining who I am. I'm not weak. I'm not needy. I am independent. That's the kind of woman I want to be.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Distance
I was sitting this week with my girls and I was thinking that I am really lucky that we are all together and we can still live and laugh like we did when life was less complicated. So much has changed since we used to be carefree college students. Now we have dogs, and marriages, and work, and promotions, and guys who aren't in fraternities. I was so comfortable sitting at Steph's house. Laughing and joking, looking at wedding photos. I'm at peace when I'm with them. I look at them, how they each have changed and grown. We are all so different now but it fits. We have been some of the lucky few who get happier and closer with age, instead of growing apart. I trust them with my whole heart. More than I do any other person or persons in this world. That's the truth of unconditional love. You better believe we have been to hell and back. It's sad to watch as new chapters of our lives take us places we never thought we'd have to go alone but having a friend a couple hours drive away is really not the worst thing. I figure if distance is our only issue, we aren't doing so bad.
Buzz
Bridal Tip: Try to relax before the ceremony. Stress shows in photos.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Myself
Work is getting to me. I thought I would last longer working the two jobs then I have so far. Seems like I was stronger in Seattle. Or just had better will power. I'm tired, it runs me ragged working all day and night. It's completely messed my schedule up. Working til late, too much caffeine, too little sleep. I'm sure it has got to catch up to me sooner rather than later. Thinking back to last week, I'm not even sure how I made it til now. No wonder my patience was wearing thin with everyone today. It's like I have been spending so much time with people, being my fake self that I forgot who I really am. It's true though I have a completely seperate persona that works with my clients. Keeps me sane. It would be funny though if they knew the real me. I'm just a lot less perky, a lot less caring, a lot more cynical. Funny. I genuniely love people though. That's why this life works for me. Maybe I can't remember their drink but I can remember that their dogs name is Morrison and they just resided their house with green, maroon, and white. I'm sure they would rather I just get their drinks though.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Hopeless Dreamer
Event tip : I get it - it's urgent. But trust me at the end of the day. It truly can wait.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
How many times can I break til I shatter
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Fear
I wish that something I was so excited about wasn't so intimidating for the world. I know when people think outside the box and when they want something out of the ordinary it can be scary for people to process. Everyone is talking so loud, I can't even hear what I want anymore. I have been trying to stay strong with my thoughts and my ideas. I knew when I started this that everyone was going to have an issue. But now I feel like I don't even really know what I want anymore. This is my dream come true. I know the risk. I understand the responsibility. I have thought about it more than everyone thinks. I respect the fear and the concern. I realize that I have not always made the best decisions in the past. I'm trying to look into my future and make the decisions that move me to where I want to be. How am I supposed to make the right decision for me when everyone is telling me what I'm supposed to do with myself? And to what extent am I supposed to listen? Do I just give up everything I have been working for to make them more comfortable? I think part of the problem is that they are afraid I might be successful. Make too much money, be too powerful and independent to need them anymore. I know that I could fail. But that doesn't scare me. I've experienced a lot of failure in my 24 years. I'm not sure that there is a such thing as failure. So I try something new and it doesn't work. It wouldn't be the first time. Sure I'm scared. I have thought about every possible thing that could go wrong. But if we all lived like that there wouldn't be entrepreneurs and famous actors and overseas teachers. I just can't imagine my life anyway else. All of my life I have always thought about my future. I used to imagine going away to college and then I spent 4 wonderful years at O State. I used to imagine I had a dog, now I have two. I always imaginedbI would be independent and live and work in the city, now I'm pretty close to that. Now I imagine that I own and run my own business. That I am making money and doing my thing. For me it's a natural progression. I'm not scared because I know what I'm capable of. I trust myself. I just wish other people would trust me to make the right decision for me. I hate that I'm questioning myself now just because of all their gossip. I am putting my faith in the situation and praying that somehow in the next day I'll be able to make a decision that everyone can live with. But mainly I just care about if I am able to live with it. It would just be easier if everyone were supportive unconditionally. It makes me want to prove them all wrong. I can't entertain the thought that it might not work because then it might not work. I have to only think positive and keep thinking about the future or I will always be stuck right here, never moving forward. Paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. Well what I do know is I'm good at what I do, I love it and it's not work to me. It soothes my mind when I can't think straight. As I work through the details of an event it calms my nerves and focuses my thoughts. As I see my vision and my notes come to life, I feel accomplished. I watch ceremonies and toasts and dancing, it makes me happy and hopeful. I was born for this.
Bridal tip of the day: Hire a videographer. You will not regret it.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Cheaters
Twice in one week I've had to have a conversation with Joce about men with girlfriends. Twice in one week, on two seperate occasions I've been out with men who called me, asked me out, and after getting me on the hook told me that they have girlfriends. Hmmm...not a pattern I'm liking. At least they are honest? I feel like there is nothing more to say. You have a girlfriend, I'm single. It's not fair to her, it's not fair to me. Really the only one winning here is him. First, Harrison. Which is neat, since I've been hanging out with him for months and he's always been sketch. Now I know why. I feel like I knew. I knew it had to be another girl. If he's not hanging out with me, then there definitely must be another woman. And I don't really want to be the other woman. I guess because it's so taboo it's kind of exciting. But really the only one who's going to get hurt here is me. He's not leaving, although if your boyfriend were cheating on you. Why would you stay? Once a cheater always a cheater, or so I've heard. Next time you see me it's going to be on Cheaters with Joe Grace and a camera crew up in my face and some crazy b*tch trying to stab me. Maybe it's best I just don't respond anymore. I'll work on that.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
This Year
Wedding season this year is a lot slower than I am used to. I have done a lot more of my own weddings this year which is nice. Branching out a bit. I got in from vacation at 2AM and had to get up at 7AM to start the day. Wedding setup. I got a sunburn. All that time in BFE Oklahoma in the crazy heat and not once did I even get a hint of red. Neat. Oh Oregon, how I missed thee. Stephanie's wedding is this week. I can't believe it's here finally, we have been working on this for a year now. I realized today that this is the first wedding that I have been really close to. I can only imagine how Stephanie is feeling. For me it's all professional. I know I will show up, setup, be hot, have only a quick second to change, stress out a bit, and then it will be over. That's my routine, although lately I get a lot less stressed than I used to when I was starting out. One of my events this weekend was having all sorts of issues and when I would usually be upset, I finally just accepted that this happens. I guess it's about time. I have done enough weddings at this point. I'm excited for what the future will bring me. I know it is going to be an amazing life with amazing brides and extraordinary events. At the end of the day, the end of the weekend, the end of the month. I still love what I do.
Bridal Tip of the day: Enjoy it. All the planning and the hype are finally here. You deserve to sit back, relax, and enjoy the day with the man or woman you love.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Home
Vacation

After my week long vacation of rest, relaxation, friends, fun, sun, boys, and way too much partying. One thing has been on my mind since last week…Tommy. And trust me, it annoys the f*** out of me. Here I am in sin city having the time of my life and thinking about him. How dare he intrude on my thoughts when I was supposed to be having fun. And as I showered tonight after laying in the pool all day, I was wanting to talk to him about something I don’t know anyone else will be able to understand. I know I do things he doesn’t understand sometimes because he got to miss out on 3 years of my life. I want to look forward more than I look back, but I feel like I never really grieved the loss of the man I loved. It hurt too bad to process and so I just tucked it away. I ran as far in the other direction just so I wouldn’t hurt anymore. So here he is back in my life again. And now I’m being forced to deal with and process all the emotions I left behind.
I am thinking about it now because people say they are truly friends with an ex. But I know that Tommy will never be friends with me like Darci is friends with me or JO is friends with me. Joce cried with me when Tommy left the last time. She held me when I didn’t think I could go on. She supported me in my decision to run and supported me again on my decision to come back. She is the only one in the world who can calm me down and she does it without fail every time. Darci has seen me at my best and worst. She knows want I am capable of before I do. She laughs with me and supports me even when she knows I’m wrong. It truly was love at first sight. I have never seen more beautiful women then the ones I call my friends. I could never drive these girls away – Steph, Whit, Joce, Darci, Adrienne, Jamie, Jessy, Mikaila, Amanda – even though sometimes I’ve tried. But Tommy has walked out on me once. So what is to stop him from doing it again.
This is what I’m afraid of. Out loud and in the flesh. I don’t want to hurt like that again. I know that love means putting yourself out there and that sometimes means rejection. This experience with Tommy has jaded my whole love life to follow. I believe that someday it will happen to me. I am just so scared in the process. And I’m not a woman who gets scared. He’s got me turned into this insecure, blubbering girl. I can’t read him. I can read most men. But Tommy gives me nothing. I am angry with him still for moving on as quickly as he did. I am hurt for watching him walk out like he did. I am annoyed because he still gets to me as hard as I try to not let him. I feel like there is so much still there for me and he couldn’t give a f***.
So now what? How does one process all these feelings and move on. That’s where I’m at now. I want to. I want to process all these feelings and move on. I want to put Tommy behind me and look forward. He may be my past, but he’s not my future and since he’s made that perfectly clear shouldn’t that be enough. He doesn’t want me move on. But instead it’s like I’m trapped in limbo. I’m waiting for him to leave again so I don’t want to get close. But I miss him so much I don’t want to let him go again. He is the only man I have ever loved. Do you ever really move on? Maybe it just takes someone new to move on. Tommy moved on and fell in love again. Maybe that’s why this doesn’t bother him. Or maybe just cause he’s a man. How does someone just move from that kind of love to someone new? And if he doesn’t feel it maybe he never did and it’s all in my head. Sometimes I just think it’s all too much and if I just walk out first I won’t have to deal with all this bullsh*t anymore. But then it will just hunt me down in the future and do it again.
Hmm…looks like I’m up a creek.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The city

I took a walk tonight with the dogs. I've been working on making some big changes to my life and my attitude. So I've adopted a new positive outlook on life. Or at least I'm trying too. I have been reading a lot lately too. You know I love the library. I've been reading every night and one of my books said to find something that makes you ecstatic and do it for at least 10 minutes a day. I've wanted to start taking a pictures again so tonight I grabbed the camera and I grabbed the dogs and we left. So I just walked and took pictures of anything and everything that struck me as beautiful or different. It's amazing what you can find when you wander a little out of your comfort zone. I had no idea some of the houses in my area were so pretty and old. Some of them you wouldn't even believe we were in Salem. So as you now know, love is usually not far from my mind. I am a very passionate person. I feel like I am one of the most honest people in the world. I never lie. I don't see the point in it. And I live my life like this is who I am, deal with it. But there is this whole other side of me that is a people pleaser too. But that is in my head, which is one of the things I've been trying to stop. All the self-doubt and inconsistencies in my head. I got off topic :) So I'm walking along thinking about my trip to Vegas coming up this weekend and how all the girls going with me but one are married or engaged and I feel some doubt in my head that that will ever happen to me. So I'm thinking about all this as I'm taking pictures and walking with my dogs. I realize now that this is what I've been wanting for as long as I can remember. When I was growing up in high school and just beginning to think about the future. I wanted to be independent, have a dog and a job and live in the alone in the city. While some girls dream of a wedding and a man, that has never been on my mind. Along my path I was thinking I was making mistakes, but really everything that I have done has led me right here. I realize now that I felt I tried and failed at moving to my city. But now I realize Seattle just wasn't where I was ready to be. Now I am living in my city, in my random, completely non cookie cutter apartment, walking my two dogs through interesting old houses downtown. I have been so blinded by everything else in life, I didn't even realize it til I embarked on this journey of self-discovery. I wasn't ready for love. I couldn't appreciate a relationship when I was looking for myself still. I feel like I get the best of both worlds because I get to still look forward to what the future has for me and I get to enjoy all this great single time alone. I may never get this back. I do believe in marriage. I believe that two people can find each other when they are ready and make a relationship to last. But I also believe you have to be ready for that relationship or it will never work.
Bridal tip of the day: I cannot repeat this enough, DO NOT get caught up in all of the meaningless details. Try to focus on the reality of the relationship and the commitment you are making. Really this should be the first great party you throw together on your long path of life.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Feelings
I've been thinking a lot lately about the situation with Hank. Maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I was being a big girl and taking things too seriously. But I think that at some point sex is always serious. I think that women always over think the situation, we are prone to thinking about what we did wrong and how we could have done things differently. I haven't called or text him since. I've thought about it, everyday. It's funny with Jordan, I couldn't stop myself from calling or texting, with Hank I can't bring myself too. I'm feeling good, happy and healthy. I miss him. But I think that it's unfair to expect things to go back to normal or to try again if my heart's not really in it. I think I'm scared because I have been able to put the feelings away as if they were make believe. I think maybe they were. True feelings don't go away as easily as I feel these have. Maybe it was all in my head. Maybe I'm just not willing to chance it. I don't want to ever feel the way that I did with him again. He hurt me and I guess that's all I need to know.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Change
All this time I realized and believed that things would change. I never thought that I was one of those things. But even from last year to now, I'm not the same. Every day that passes and every new experience is changing me. I see people from my past and I feel as though I don't fit with them anymore. I am different. I still enjoy hanging out with them, I'm just different. This has been on my mind for awhile thinking about how I am always afraid of everyone's reactions to everything I do. What if they put themselves in my shoes? How would they feel if they couldn't be themselves around me. If I was constantly judging them. I feel as though maybe it's selfish, but really I just don't think that much about other people, except when I am worried about their reaction. It makes me mad that some people can be so judgmental all the time. I'm just living my life. I believe that life is a gift and I am living. I make mistakes, just like everyone else, but it seems sometimes that mine are magnified. Everyone says I have the tendency to be a drama queen. But maybe my life is just more interesting. I think the point of relationships is to grow and change with each other along the way. That's why marriages and relationships fail, when one person doesn't change or doesn't like the new person someone has become. It's like with my family. For some reason it seems like they are critical of everything that I do. My horoscope today said that I should lower my expectations of people so they don't disappoint me. I've come to expect it now and I feel like now they've lost the opportunity to know what I'm doing most the time until after it's done. I do value their opinions, but at some point somethings got to give.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Patience

I was without internet for almost a month at home so I'm finally back on line. It's time now to start looking at the business again. Sue and I are meeting in a couple weeks to sort it out. I'm kind of excited. I had thought that it was never going to happen for me. I always think that if you work hard enough and you keep believing then it will. I think this is the year for me to take over. I am ready for it. I know what it takes and I have what it takes to do it. I just have to keep working at it and take the patience to wait and let it take shape on it's own. The recent turn of events has really helped me put my life and my work in perspective. Kira's wedding was last weekend and I worked morning to night for three days in a row. Not to mention all the preparation for the week of. I realized that I really do love what I do. I was tired and sore, emotionally and physically, and yet at 11 at night of day two I still had a smile on my face. I'm not sure I can or I want to do anything else. Life hit me hard this week. I finally had time to slow down and really feel everything that I had been thinking about over the past couple weeks. I was surprised by my ability to completely put everything else out of my mind and just focus on her. Everything went as well as we could expect. A few minor issues, like most weddings. I was down this week though once I finally had a moment to think about everything. But I'm doing okay. I'm going to be okay. Just have patience. Things will change.
Who knows
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Nicknames
Some are mine, some are hers, enjoy and take creativity making your own. It's helps, I promise.
Dirty-boss Johnny, I'm in love with Aurora Ian, Dry Hump Shane, Strip Club Andy, Sextexter Daniel, E.D. Jonathan, Too Cool Corey, Don't Hurt Yourself Mike, Hey Arnold Tommy, I'm so sorry Isaiah, Joe Grace DJ, DITM Skylar, Bad Sex Matt, I'm moving to Minnesota Andrew, Closed mouth Clinton, Creepy Chris, Stalker Steve, Jailbait Garrett, Griffindwarf, High Maintainence Hayden
I'll think of more and let you know.
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

So there has been something on my mind lately that I have held off sharing because I'm a little afraid of the ramifications. I haven't blogged in awhile because I'm not sure I want the world particularly a certain man to know what's been on my mind. But I think now I'm ready to share. I'm hoping it will help clear my communications and change my energy. Something has developed over the past few weeks that has made me all sorts of confused. Let's call him Hank. Once again, if you can figure that out enlighten me. I actually do has a reason behind the names. But like usual there is always a method to my madness. And there is actually two of them and the story kind of winds around both. Let's call the other one Steve. I could probably piss off a lot of boys with the nicknames I've developed, some of which are not even appropriate. I'm thinking in the next blog I'll actually tell you the nicknames I use in everyday life and see if you can match them up with their event diva alias. So I have known Hank and Steve both for years now. We have been friends for quite some time throughout the years. I guess it's safe to say as we have become adults we have become a little closer than before. It's so much more complicated then when we were sixteen. It was so easy then, I was young and carefree, not so jaded. Everything get's confusing when we become adults and have to live in real life with real consequences. I don't want to drag the world into every pathetic detail, so needless to say boy and girl friendships a little more complicated than girlfriends. I know better than this, I keep thinking. This always happens to me and I'm almost positive it's usually my fault. Although it does take two to tango. Bottom line, two boys one wants me, one doesn't and sometimes I wish it was reversed. I finally just gave up on both since I can't get what I want and I can't seem to figure it out. I tried to be honest with Steve and tell him I just need to sort some things out. Truth is I am sure I'd rather just be alone then hang out with him. So I cut him loose. Hank on the other hand couldn't care less about me and my feelings. I think he thinks he's being a friend but really he's just pissing me off. He was so quick to jump into the sack with some new chick, with literally no regard to me. I am sure he didn't even think it was an issue or he did he just didn't care enough to not do it. I'm disgusted a little bit with the actions of my so called friend. I don't feel really angry or hurt. I honestly just want to be alone. I'd rather be alone then disrespected. So I've been avoiding him. Easy to do with some chick hanging around. I am so put off by the situation, I can't even bring myself to hang out because that might mean actual eye contact. And I can't look him in the eye right now. I don't know if I ever will be able to again. I feel like he was so eager to find something else that he missed what was right here in front of him. I think someday I'm going to realize I wasted a lot of time on him and I hope someday he realizes that he missed a potentially really good thing. I still don't know if I'm ever coming back. I feel like now is the time for me to pick up and run the opposite direction. I know I deserve better and I know someday I am going to be worth more than sex. I guess I just never thought it would be one of my best friends to prove that to me.
Two more bite the dust. I'm taking a break now. All I want to do is be single. This way I don't have to deal with the drama. I always know what I'm doing and how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. I don't want to worry about someone else. I know that someday when it's right, I'll make time for someone. Till then, I'm just living it up, sleeping in til noon with my dogs on Sundays, eating ice cream and watching Will and Grace, throwing myself into work.
Bridal Tip #6 - You will not remember that your linens were creased from being pressed and your guests will not care. Don't waste time on unnecessary details. It will just stress you out.
You want a piece of me

Wedding season this year has got me down in the dumps. I’m feeling lonely and the thought of happy couples makes me want to throw up a little bit. I got a wedding invitation in the mail yesterday and I thought to myself, if one more person I know gets married I’m gonna kill someone. I have been so busy with work and I just feel like I can’t catch a break lately. It seems like everyone wants a piece of me -my brides, my parents, my sisters, my boss, my friends.
Sometimes people tell me that I don’t ever say no and that’s the problem. It’s easy for people to take advantage. I had a bride cancel on me recently and it always makes me so mad because I have already done so much work at this time. And they don’t realize. And I can’t be the terrible person that still invoices her for my time when her fiancé just lost his job. I have a rather large wedding tomorrow night and I had told the bride she could come drop stuff off at 11 this morning. They left at 5:45PM and acted like I was the huge inconvenience when I told them they had to go. It’s hard to catch some down time these days and lately that’s all I want. I just want a break from life and work and weddings. I had a fundraiser on Saturday and it was the same situation. A bunch of bitchy people who expected gold when they had already received silver. Makes me feel like I can quite do anything right these days. I have Kira's wedding this weekend. She keeps apologizing for being a bridezilla and she is the farthest from what I have been dealing with lately. Probably because she works with me on a daily basis and knows what I'm capable of. Unless I'm stressed, my brides have no reason to worry.
Event Tip #2 - It's understandable to get stressed the day of the event. Something is bound to go wrong. Don't yell at the people who are able to fix it. Nothing gets accomplished that way.