Commitment Phobia

I have said this before and I will say it proudly again. Boys are dumb. Yes, boys. From this moment on I only date men. Men own alarm clocks. Men work normal hours. Men sleep on a mattress that's not on the floor. Men ask for dates. Men call to make sure you got home okay. Men open the door for you. Men pull out the chair for you. Men live alone in homes with framed photos hung on the walls and matching furniture. Men know what they want. Men aren't afraid of commitment. I read an article just recently explaining this perfectly. I'm not just talking about a commitment to a romantic relationship. I'm talking about a commitment to things, like houses, jobs, reservations. When men hear women want a commitment, they think it means a commitment to a romantic relationship and it's not that at all. It's a commitment to life, to not floating around, wasting time, playing house. I want a man who has a life. Someone who does normal life things, like cook dinner, watch How I Met Your Mother or CSI, go to bed before 2 am and get up for work prior to noon. A man calls to ask for a date Saturday night, says he can't wait to see me and schedules a date for Tuesday night. I'm sick and tired of boys who can't commit to a phone call, let alone commit to scheduling me ahead of time. I went on a date last night with a man. A man who walked me to my car, paid for my drink, held the door, called to make sure I got home safely, then called today to say he had a wonderful time and confirm our date Tuesday. I'm a little afraid to be honest, I haven't really ever dated a man. But I know that I'm on the right track.

Clean Slate

I can't sleep tonight or last night. Boys are dumb. The phone is taunting me everytime it doesn't vibrate with a new text message. FYI, I keep my phone on silent all the time. I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to talk after work. People are exhausting. Asking questions, wanting to chit chat, calling two/three times a day or emailing four/five. That and only creditors ever call anyway. Work or creditors. Story of my life. I get annoyed by people stopping in without an appointment, or coming in an hour late to meet me, or calling 5 minutes before arriving on property to ask if I can have lunch in 5 minutes making it 11:30am. I wouldn't mind lunch with a guest normally but this lady has been in my restaurant asking to lunch with me at least once if not twice a week. Everyone wants a piece of my time. Our General Manager today called me to say hi from his office to my office. No joke. Then popped in when I had the door open and scared the hell out of me and still had no purpose in my office. Then dealing with the boy drama while trying to put out fires, do reports, meet clients, make money, write proposals, attend meetings, do projects for my boss, makes life unbearable. Checking my phone, feeling sorry for myself, questioning my decision, his affection. I told Xtina today I didn't want to talk about it and I meant it. I literally want to never speak of it again. I am so tired of the same old same old. Same guys causing the same problems. All of them have had more than enough of my precious time. I got dudes texting all day and night I don't even respond sometimes, trying not to encourage it. I'm so fed up with the same bs behaviors. I got a text that said I want you lots. For real. Can I please run right over? Pretty please. Give me a break. Figure it out boys. Show me you are different and you mean what you say cause all that talk will not work anymore. Girlfriend is tired and in desperate need of a clean slate.

Balancing Act

Some of the people I have to deal with in my job are crazy. I’ve come to the conclusion that most people are in fact nutty. Right now I have an old lady calling me weekly to complain about an event. Lady, get over it. The staff kicked you out at 10pm three weeks ago and I have apologized a gazillion times. What do you want from me?! I honestly just believe that some people have so much time on their hands that they have to create something for themselves to do. Maybe it gives there life meaning. Who knows. But really, I wish I had time to sit around calling people to talk about what they think they heard, then writing up bitchy emails to send to the little sales girl at no-name hotels USA. Give me a break. I can’t even remember all of the individual complaints I take. People are greedy and picky and mean. I understand to a point when you are paying for a product you expect it to be worth it. But yelling at me only pisses me off and when I’m usually the only one that can help the situation you definitely want me on your side. Last month it was a crazy skeleton thin blonde with insane ideas about business and the IQ of a rock screaming at me that I’m a terrible person. All because she inhaled too much glitter putting her makeup on in the morning and couldn’t understand a contract. Honestly one of the oddest people I have ever met, I recall April when she came in with three children triplets that she had through invitro. Yes she really told me that. The children had long hair and were dressed in Princess Jasmine looking outfits. I kept saying how beautiful they were and they made such good princesses. After crazy and her kids left my boss proceeded to tell me that all her kids were boys. Neat Jessica. Honest mistake. This woman is probably mid fifties, doesn’t wear a bra, and was fired from the company 10 years ago for drinking on the job. After the disaster that was her event which consisted of her screaming and pointing in my face, yelling at the staff, and calling me trash, she decided to call exactly one month later to threaten me and tell me that I should be ashamed of myself. This is all inside a month and only two of the crazy client stories I have. There was the client that brought me brownie bites on my birthday. Or the Tech Wizards that sent flowers. Or the WWII Veteran that grabbed my butt while I was serving at a banquet last week. And my friends and family wonder why I screen my phone calls and they never see me. Hotel life and catering drama my friends.

Skeletons in the Closet

It sucks to realize that through all of the BS over the past year + that I still would jump at the chance just to be with him. I would take back the mistakes of the past and choose him first. The wedding would never be "our first date". I wouldn't drink so much. I wouldn't talk so much. I don't understand what happened that made things turn out so terribly wrong. But, even if it hurts I can't change the past. I have tried and failed. So now I just allow those past mistakes to be in the past because my God believes in forgiveness. I never promised any of those silly boys that I was anything less than the crazy beautiful woman that I am. That is usually what draws them in. But underneath it all I'm complicated and it takes someone special to be able to tame me. And unfortunately for me he married another women this summer. I thought that Boston was one of the good men. I was distracted by his charming good looks and his accent. I still find myself unable to look him in the eyes. I'm not sure what I'm afraid he may see as he has taken the time to get to know me very well nothing inside there should be much of a surprise. I miss him but he makes me crazy. Not a good combination. I used to wear hats in college and in the years after when I was ashamed of something I had done. I thought the could hide my face and keep people from getting a good look in my eyes. I'm not sure even a kentucky derby size hat would even allow me to hide from all of the skeletons in that closet with Boston. Sucks to realize that he is really the only one I ever wanted all these other boys just pass the time. And timing my friends... is everything.

Brain Ninja

I had a conversation with Amber on Sunday and she said she can’t tell anymore which guys are bad and which ones are good. It’s all so confusing. Dating is hard. I have no idea what I am doing most days. I can’t tell the bad dudes from the good anymore and lately I doubt if there are good ones hanging around somewhere to find. I feel bored with everyday relationship interactions. I want something more. I want the excitement. The fun, can’t wait to see you, smile when I get a text, giggle when you flirt with me, school girl crush infatuation. Does it go away now that we are adults? I still don’t feel like I am an adult sometimes. I always thought my parents had it so together, but now I’m beginning to think we are all just trying to figure life out. It seems the more life I live the more skeptical I become. I’m afraid sometimes that being a realist is starting to make me cynical. And bitter? No, I don’t think bitter. I enjoy being single. I don’t hate men, I enjoy their company when I want to. I guess it is just hard when all of the battle wounds start to scar your heart like armor and you don’t really feel anymore. And I have more feelings then most. I am happy to say that I feel emotion with an amazing, passionate, intensity. But lately it’s just gone. I enjoy hanging out with G. I like to think sometimes about a future. I guess I am afraid after being let down so many times. Boston did a number on my heart and my head. As my friend, Dane Cook, would say, he is like a brain ninja. He plants bombs in my mind that go off and make me nutty. I really liked him. And he really hurt me. I have tried so many times and so many ways to reach him, but every effort failed. I honestly believed with my whole heart that he was one of the good ones. One of the ones that would never ever heart me, intentionally or not. But he had, repeatedly. I don’t want to think ahead about a future or feel giddy about the now. I feel so afraid it will all be taken away from me again without warning. Leaving me to wonder one year, five month, or seven hours later what I did wrong to him. I have tried everything to apologize for who I was then, who I am now, my behaviors, thoughts, actions, relations. I tried to take responsibility for myself and what I have done to participate in this. I guess enough is just enough.

Just in case you think this is bogus, check out the definition.

brain ninja

A person with the ability to insert thoughts or ideas into another's head that does not cause immediate, but rather long term lingering mental anguish, usually having comedic value.

Relationship?

I feel like the more I try to do what’s right the more I just fuck everything up. I’m exhausted with life. I am literally drained physically and emotionally. I feel so confused with because I know what I want and need, I just don’t know how to communicate it. I guess that’s why I’m human. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I want to just lock myself in a room and never come out so that I don’t have to speak ever to another person. Like I should stay single and alone so then I wouldn’t mess anyone else up with my issues. I keep thinking this is this is the healthiest I have been since college. Minus the constant sinus pain, that's just a life consequence. But I am thinking maybe I have a ways to go before I am healthy enough to try a relationship.

Zoo

Life is a zoo lately. I struggle lately to find faith. I pray to the Lord and I know He hears me and will answer in His perfect timing. I know there is a bigger picture that I can't see, but sometimes the daily grind can be monotonous. It's overwhelmingly dull. I have a good life. So why the funk? I'm not sure just yet. More to come...