Recovery

I guess part of me always kind of felt like it was all wrong. Or maybe I just believed what everyone was telling me. Whatever the reason the outcome is the same. Now all I can do is what I’ve learned, which is to take responsibility for what I’ve done, offer forgiveness, and move on. All my recovery knowledge that I’ve learned and went out the window this past month has been coming back into play. I become a robot of recovery. Have a three hour plan. And when that three hours is up have another three hour plan. Repeat. Stay safe. I haven’t been that sad this time. I guess I grieved the loss last week during the two days between kissing his lips and realizing he wasn’t coming back. I would have kissed him long and deeper if I had known. I was still angry with him and honestly him walking out did us both a favor. Everything had been going downhill, the good days were more like moments and few and far between. I love him still but I guess part of me is glad he’s gone. I miss him and my heart aches for him but what he put me through is not something I want to do again. Everything was so fucked up and I guess I just didn’t want to see it. But during that 48 hours last week, I didn’t sleep, or eat, or do anything really other than think about him. Run through every possible scenario of what could have happened and try to decide which one I would prefer. In the back of my mind I knew what the reality was. I guess it just took two days to come to terms with it. I can’t go back now what’s done is done, and while I will jot down what I think I did wrong this time, I don’t think I will share it with the world yet. I’m not sure if I just don’t want to talk about it anymore or I think I should be more private or I fear judgment, but I think this time I really just want to do what we do at work when there is something we don’t want to work on – put it in the file to ignore.

In Shock

I wrote this the first of February:

It feels a lot like I imagine shock would. My whole but just goes numb. My heart races. The anxiety this is causing feels unbearable. I don’t see the end of all this madness and my throat feels like it’s closing. My whole life feels like an out of body experience lately and everything is so wrong I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know what to do. Frequently when I get overwhelmed I just don’t do anything. I don’t pay bills. I don’t talk to anyone. I just shut off. I don’t want to deal with or process any of it anymore. It’s a worse nightmare each passing day. The fighting and the lies and the secret conversations on the porch. Drama drama drama. I just don’t know when enough is enough anymore. We can barely go hours anymore without fighting and I don’t think a relationship is supposed to be so hard. But then again who knows what normal is.

Leap of faith

Relationships are hard. Trusting anyone is hard. I feel anxious all the time when I’m not with him like he will find out that he’s made a mistake. That maybe he doesn’t want me after all. And then I will be on my own again. That doesn’t really scare me though, being on my “own”. I know that there is not much in this world I can’t handle anymore. And every time He throws something new at me, He always helps me through. So I’m not worried. I’m scared of the pain though I guess, I know how it feels to lose love. I’m not sure how much more I could bear. But I do know that I can’t control it. I could do everything “perfect” and he could still leave tomorrow. That’s reality, it’s not up to me. So I want to just love him and smile when thinking about him, curl up in his arms after work, fall asleep with him at night, and wake up with him in the morning. I am so grateful for this gift of love and companionship, I think I will just take the leap of faith that maybe this is what I’ve been waiting for.

I'm over it

I’m ready to snap out of it. Jessy said that to me on Friday night. And she is 100% right. I’m so tired of being sad. I’m tired of being anxious all the time. It’s over. I prayed tonight and I asked for guidance and I think that I am supposed to just let it go. Give it to God. Christmas is next week and I have so much to be thankful for this week. I’m going to take the week off. No drama. I’m just going to sit at home with Mya-bear, baking and getting ready for the holiday. Kristi will be home in a few days. All of the girls are getting together on Friday. It is going to be a wonderful week.

Little Miss Obsessive

Am I the reason why you tossed and turned last night?
Everything's such a blur, it didn't come out right.
All of the sudden it's cold and we're falling apart.
No this can't be, please don't leave me alone in the dark.

And I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it.
Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, I'm not desperate.
A little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.

I've never been a fan of long good-byes.
I'm at the finish line and you're just way too far behind.
In the morning I got in a fight with myself, I got the bruises to prove it.
Then I swallowed your words and spit them right back out.

And I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it.
Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, Aim not desperate.
Oh, a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.

It's like a fairy tale without a happy ending
But then again maybe we are just pretending.
Why does it have to be so unfair?
Tell me that you care.

And I guess we're really over, but come over, I'm not over it.

I can’t even describe how it feels. My whole body is fatigued with sadness. My chest hurts like I can literally feel my heart breaking. And I honestly believe that this is what I deserve. Well not what I deserve but my behavior earned this heartache. My mind is constantly racing and I have tried everything to make it stop. Crazy working all the time. Writing. Cleaning. Laying in the shower. I don’t remember when my house stopped feeling like home. I hate every minute that I am here. And I feel bad. I have everything I need so I should be content. My head hurts and I can’t find comfort in sleep. So I just stay awake. And pray that this feeling goes away soon.

Humpty Dumpty

I’m so tired of part-time boyfriends. Seems like I still deal with all the bullshit and yet I’m always alone. I don’t need to be maintained by a text or a call once a week, I have a life. Everyday I spend time taking care of guests, dealing with personnel issues, client complaints, walk in appointments, reviewing the staffs work, correcting the staffs work, doing my own work. I’m so sick of the drama and the issues everyday. News flash guys, I’m wonderful. I have a job, a place of my own, a car, and my shit together, I am a catch. I have zero trouble finding someone to take your place. So maybe it’s time to shake up the egg carton, see who I can get rid of, and who I might want to devote more time to. I don’t have time to maintain 2-3 boyfriends. I just need one good one.