How many times can I break til I shatter

I'm tired tonight. Tired of working, tired of waiting on someone to call, tired of putting a smile on my face, just tired of it all. I was thinking as I was driving tonight, that is almost as if things were going to well for me so the universe decided to flip the switch and change it up. Not that things are really that bad. Sue told me that there is always something worse. And she's right. She's usually right :) It's true though, there is always something worse. I'm making money. I have a great family. I don't know why I feel so discontent. I'm bummed about the business stuff. So much time and hard work down the drain. I don't know anymore where this road is going. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a business woman. I have been doing my best to push all of the thoughts out and just work, so once I finally get some off time it's hitting me hard. Plus having to smile and listen to all the bullsh*t when I really want to tell them to shut up, I really don't care, makes me want to go a little crazy. I felt like I was really on track. Headed toward somewhere I wanted to be. Now I have no idea where I'm going. I know it's all going to be okay. I just need to take a deep breath and refocus.

Fear

I wish that something I was so excited about wasn't so intimidating for the world. I know when people think outside the box and when they want something out of the ordinary it can be scary for people to process. Everyone is talking so loud, I can't even hear what I want anymore. I have been trying to stay strong with my thoughts and my ideas. I knew when I started this that everyone was going to have an issue. But now I feel like I don't even really know what I want anymore. This is my dream come true. I know the risk. I understand the responsibility. I have thought about it more than everyone thinks. I respect the fear and the concern. I realize that I have not always made the best decisions in the past. I'm trying to look into my future and make the decisions that move me to where I want to be. How am I supposed to make the right decision for me when everyone is telling me what I'm supposed to do with myself? And to what extent am I supposed to listen? Do I just give up everything I have been working for to make them more comfortable? I think part of the problem is that they are afraid I might be successful. Make too much money, be too powerful and independent to need them anymore. I know that I could fail. But that doesn't scare me. I've experienced a lot of failure in my 24 years. I'm not sure that there is a such thing as failure. So I try something new and it doesn't work. It wouldn't be the first time. Sure I'm scared. I have thought about every possible thing that could go wrong. But if we all lived like that there wouldn't be entrepreneurs and famous actors and overseas teachers. I just can't imagine my life anyway else. All of my life I have always thought about my future. I used to imagine going away to college and then I spent 4 wonderful years at O State. I used to imagine I had a dog, now I have two. I always imaginedbI would be independent and live and work in the city, now I'm pretty close to that. Now I imagine that I own and run my own business. That I am making money and doing my thing. For me it's a natural progression. I'm not scared because I know what I'm capable of. I trust myself. I just wish other people would trust me to make the right decision for me. I hate that I'm questioning myself now just because of all their gossip. I am putting my faith in the situation and praying that somehow in the next day I'll be able to make a decision that everyone can live with. But mainly I just care about if I am able to live with it. It would just be easier if everyone were supportive unconditionally. It makes me want to prove them all wrong. I can't entertain the thought that it might not work because then it might not work. I have to only think positive and keep thinking about the future or I will always be stuck right here, never moving forward. Paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. Well what I do know is I'm good at what I do, I love it and it's not work to me. It soothes my mind when I can't think straight. As I work through the details of an event it calms my nerves and focuses my thoughts. As I see my vision and my notes come to life, I feel accomplished. I watch ceremonies and toasts and dancing, it makes me happy and hopeful. I was born for this.

Bridal tip of the day: Hire a videographer. You will not regret it.

Cheaters

Twice in one week I've had to have a conversation with Joce about men with girlfriends. Twice in one week, on two seperate occasions I've been out with men who called me, asked me out, and after getting me on the hook told me that they have girlfriends. Hmmm...not a pattern I'm liking. At least they are honest? I feel like there is nothing more to say. You have a girlfriend, I'm single. It's not fair to her, it's not fair to me. Really the only one winning here is him. First, Harrison. Which is neat, since I've been hanging out with him for months and he's always been sketch. Now I know why. I feel like I knew. I knew it had to be another girl. If he's not hanging out with me, then there definitely must be another woman. And I don't really want to be the other woman. I guess because it's so taboo it's kind of exciting. But really the only one who's going to get hurt here is me. He's not leaving, although if your boyfriend were cheating on you. Why would you stay? Once a cheater always a cheater, or so I've heard. Next time you see me it's going to be on Cheaters with Joe Grace and a camera crew up in my face and some crazy b*tch trying to stab me. Maybe it's best I just don't respond anymore. I'll work on that.

This Year

Wedding season this year is a lot slower than I am used to. I have done a lot more of my own weddings this year which is nice. Branching out a bit. I got in from vacation at 2AM and had to get up at 7AM to start the day. Wedding setup. I got a sunburn. All that time in BFE Oklahoma in the crazy heat and not once did I even get a hint of red. Neat. Oh Oregon, how I missed thee. Stephanie's wedding is this week. I can't believe it's here finally, we have been working on this for a year now. I realized today that this is the first wedding that I have been really close to. I can only imagine how Stephanie is feeling. For me it's all professional. I know I will show up, setup, be hot, have only a quick second to change, stress out a bit, and then it will be over. That's my routine, although lately I get a lot less stressed than I used to when I was starting out. One of my events this weekend was having all sorts of issues and when I would usually be upset, I finally just accepted that this happens. I guess it's about time. I have done enough weddings at this point. I'm excited for what the future will bring me. I know it is going to be an amazing life with amazing brides and extraordinary events. At the end of the day, the end of the weekend, the end of the month. I still love what I do.

Bridal Tip of the day: Enjoy it. All the planning and the hype are finally here. You deserve to sit back, relax, and enjoy the day with the man or woman you love.