I'm just a girl with a crush on you

I am confused. More confused now. He was right, feelings confuse things. All this time these past few months I have been learning to get in touch with my feelings, learning to feel my feelings. My feelings tell me I like him. But my broken heart keeps me from him. Step study ended and I am feeling a little lost. I don’t know what is next. I’m afraid to make a move. So I’m stuck I guess, which is never a good place to be. I have been so sick this week too. I haven’t slept all week, I’ve looked like shit every day at work. I’m bloated. Not to mention the headache, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m so uncomfortable. I’m exhausted. And to top it off, I’m hot. Like really hot. So after three days off, I saw him at work today. He gives me butterflies. Freaking butterflies. I’m 26 years old for f*cks sake. This is bullshit. Butterflies are bullshit. Every day I have to see him I think to myself it’s fine, you are fabulous. Then he comes around and I’m like a 14 year old girl during 7 minutes in Heaven. Giggle. I’ve never actually played 7 minutes in Heaven but I imagine there is a lot of giggling and avoiding eye contact. I find myself avoiding eye contact as if I’m afraid he will look too deep and see everything I try to hide. I’m scared of liking him too much, making a fool of myself, scaring him away, being my crazy self. Trust me, there are a number of things that can go wrong anytime I open my mouth. JO and I were talking last night while I shopped at Target and waiting for a Rx. I got a new hot pink Bluetooth and while I swore I would never be one of those people who talked on it in stores, I now am. It’s so convenient. Joce and I caught up with the latest gossip while I browsed the Clearance rack. And some gossip it was. Joce told me and I said, “Oh my gosh, I thought you were going to tell me she was pregnant, but this is WAY better!”. My new Bluetooth allows me to hang out with my BFF like we are chatting on the front swing at the Chi O house. And while I may be confused about everything else in life and love, I know that tomorrow afternoon I am loading up the car and heading North for less than 24 hours just so I can get some face time with my girl. I cannot wait until all us bitches are hitting Seattle together tomorrow night. At least for one night I can take my mind off the chaos that clouds my life.