Backslide

Everyone says there is a specific time you have to get over someone.  Half the time you were together, get under someone else, 10,000 drinks… I’m not sure what it takes.  Time and God is the best answer I’ve got.  Although I’ve tried all of the above.  Over the span of the last eleven years of my dating life I have tried it all.  I pick myself up the best I can but I guess we are all entitled to backsliding.  It’s biblical.  “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!” 1 Corinthians 10:12.  We are expected to backslid.  Not that that makes it any easier.  I backslid with G.  Saying I’m over it the drunken texting when I’m supposed to be out having fun.  Wait, I was out having fun, then decided I’m awesome and he deserved to be bitched at.  Although it never solves anything but making me feel like an ass.  But instead of dwelling, I erased the messages the next day without rereading them, told my sponsor and some friends to keep from secrecy, and just decided to hell with it.  It’s over and done with.  I’m just mad about all the loose ends.  Not being allowed any closure.  Same this with the boy next door.  He literally left and just never came back and never said another word.  5 months later I still don’t even know what happened to this man that looked in my eyes and told me he loved me.  He talked about our children while I played Need for Speed in the sweet pink Cadillac he built me.  Where do those dreams go?  G just stopped responding.  Neat.  I’ve been fighting with myself, literally, for the past two months.  He hasn’t even said anything.  Douche.  G never talked about our future.  Or really our present.  We didn’t spend much time alone and it still seemed awkward sometimes when we did.  I guess we were just more friends than anything.  Still it sucks to be dumped by my friend in one of the worst ways possible.  Just leaving without another word so I get to sit and ponder for the rest of time what went wrong.  I have been processing through it, trying to figure out my part.  I’m still working on it.