Today I am thankful for…God.
Even though I’m angry right now or sad or whatever seems to be happening
I know He is faithful. Everything
happens for a reason. And everything
happens in His time not mine. I can rest
assured knowing that He always comes through.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a
future.” Jeremiah 29:11.
Now. Commit to
memory. We have the natural inclination
to blame God when things don’t go how we want them to. Whether believers or not everyone curses His
name it seems. And I am no
different. I get mad and angry and as a believer
of Christ I find myself blaming Him, cursing Him, or retreating from Him. Then humbly I admit my fault and sheepishly
repent, like a child to her father.
I have thought about writing and found myself in a place
today where I finally have found my way back.
My voice had disappeared and now it’s time once again to speak up. It seems as though nothing can ever go right
at the same time. While I now find my
love life under control, I still somehow feel out of control. I am lucky to have someone who loves me as
much as Ryan. He is a good man and I am
thankful for him every day. I still don’t
know how it’s possible to have found someone like him but I am amazed by
him. I prayed every day that God would
send someone to love me and I believe that he is the answer to my prayers.
I have always thought I had it planned perfectly. I knew exactly how life would go, who I would
be, what I would do, who I would love.
Now I realize I know nothing. I
could not have planned all this and while some days I feel that life is not how
it “should” be, I still rest assured that there is a bigger picture and that
someone much more qualified has it under control. I find myself thinking more and more that I
am the biggest obstacle in the way of all my “plans”. I want so much for life to be a certain way
that I am angry when I can’t control it.
I am hurt when things don’t go how I want. I feel foolish now for thinking these things
but will admit that I do.
Part of this comes up
as I find myself not invited to a wedding for a so called friend from
college. I’m not surprised. I’ve never been that close with her. But it feels like a slap in the face to see
all my “friends” hanging out without me for all the pre-wedding
festivities. It makes me realize that
nothing is the way I think it should be.
I feel like I have wasted so much time trying to be a good friend to
people that were never friends to begin with.
Yet I find myself feeling worse than I thought I would. Then I think I should. Since I was young I have always been trying
to fit in and I never have. In college I
was always trying to be popular since I never was in high school. I found some girls that accepted me into
their friend group and I thought I had it made.
For once I was included. But I
was always different. I never really fit
in and now 6 years after college graduation those same mean girls we all know
and have dealt with have found a way to make me feel like we are still in high
school. You would think after all these
years it would go away. That pressure to
fit in and belong. It turns out it doesn’t. It makes me so sad to think that I wasted so
much of life’s precious time with so called “friends”.
I had hoped to have these girls to grow old with. To call upon when getting married or having
babies. Instead I have found myself
clinging to the idea that we were “friends” all these years when I should have
known. Instead, I have to call, text,
Facebook, beg, to hang out only to have another 6+ months go by without any word. Looking back I’ve always known I didn’t belong
and if I had let go sooner maybe I would have those friendships that are true, meaningful
and lasting instead of a long line of so called “friends” that I really only
know through status updates.
All of this has me really contemplating the true definition
of friendship. So I consult the Bible as
I am certain that all real truth comes from here. And while there is no specific definition for
friendship I find two verses that help me to understand what friendship really
means.
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his
life for his friends.” John 15:13
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for
adversity.” Proverbs 17: 17
It’s hard to deny the truth when you see it so plainly. I am constantly learning about what real love
is. Real, unconditional love. It’s what I find in my relationship. A commitment to each other regardless of
faults and mistakes. Constant and
continuous forgiveness. I tell Ryan that
I will always forgive him. So I know
that I will always forgive my so called friends. I believe myself to be a good friend but
reading these verses I know I have a lot to learn still.
Jesus tells us to “‘Love
the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your
mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And
the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Matthew 22:36-40
Friendship and companionship are at the top of His
list. And for most of us they are at the
top of ours. We are lucky to find people
in life that we can love and love us in return.
And for me it’s finally time that I let go of those who don’t really
love me so I can focus my time and energy on building lasting relationships
with those who do. I guess I have to let
go of who I was so I can be who I am.
And those in my life who love me like Jesus does will reveal themselves in
time.
