I Ain't Settlin

I don't want to settle. I'm very firm on my belief that I can wait until "the right man" comes along. I'm being to feel like the right man is the equivalent to the holy grail. You know it exists, but you will never find it. I think that's why we have so much divorce lately. In the older days, people were forced to settle because divorce was so taboo. Now it's much more common so people aren't worried about the ramifications of a divorce. It's like tattoos, everyone's got one these days. It's more rare to find someone without. These days people for are my age usually have 3 kids with 2 different dads and have been divorced at least once. People our parents age have most likely been divorced 3 or 4 times.

We see it in the media, it's a race down the aisle. People who don't get married typically last longer than those who do. Still, the damage done by society still remains in effect today. Women are expected to grow up and get married, pop out some kids. Everyone celebrates marriage, but those of us who are still single at 25, 28, or God forbid 30, are looked at with sad eyes that say "Don't worry it will happen for you." Just what I want, my very own loveless marriage. The new message for women should be don't settle. Focus and your career and your needs, and eventually the rest will happen. Not to mention that it will be a more meaningful and adult relationship than anything you could have produced at 20.

Relationship

They say if you love someone set them free and if they come back it's meant to be. But what if when you come back, they don't want you. Sometimes fate works in funny ways. I think people in relationships often settle because it's easier than being alone. It hard to break up with someone, especially when you live together and there is the merging of things and then the separating of things. I wonder if some people would settle forever just because it comfortable. People in this world hate to be comfortable.

Sometimes I think him and I are meant to be. I have always kept him around. I like him, I really do. I think he knows me better than I know myself. I you ask him, he would probably say the same. The miracle is, he loves me anyway. He told me today that we have a strange, dysfunctional relationship, but that he'd rather have that than nothing at all. I feel completely the same way. I don't know what I would do without him. I told him that I need him. We both know that's a lie. I don't need anyone. I want him and that's a very big difference.

It amazes me that after everything he knows I've done and everything he knows I'll do. He's never asked me to change. He's the only man I have ever been with that has really accepted all of me and stayed anyway. He's got a girlfriend so maybe that's why he can tolerate me. He doesn't actually have to see me. The men who have to actually be around me know better. I'm capable of really anything. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm going to do. Being predictable is really not one of my strong suits. I guess that's why I'm not a relationship person.

Technology

I had a bride text me the other day asking some questions about the facility. I am going to have to start programming all my brides and clients into my phone because I had no idea who it was. I didn't want to ask her because I do want her to feel like she is the only bride I have to worry about, although that is not the case. It's becoming a regular occurence though. I had a client I work with a bunch text me about a lunch he needed catered. It works though, spare me the phone call, I don't have time anyway. I love the text. I'm going to start telling brides, text me if you have questions, ha. Love it. It's going to be so much easier. Blackberry IM me if you have questions. Don't call or email. Wow. Technology right. This is where my focus should always be. I feel good about myself when work is going well. I get less complaints and more compliments. I lost site of that for a bit and I'm glad it's back this way. I guess it's all about balance. Work has always been something I'm really good at. I work hard, people love me, and I'm good with details. I guess it's all about balance. Having a social life, personal life, time alone, time with family, time with dogs, time with the man, plus work. Brides don't care what is going on in my life, this is all about them. And it should be.

Moving On

I was missing Buzz today. More than usual. I think more than anything I miss the idea of him. I'm actually doing really good. I am sad with the way things ended but I guess that is part of life. We don't ever get to choose how things go for us. As much as I may have wanted it to work it just wasn't in the cards for us. I must say that I am enjoying the woman that I have become after Buzz. I am finally getting back into a good place. Things have been rocky, but I am really moving forward. I love that he inspired me to be clean. I am aware of the house more than I was before. I still need a little help, but the first step is admitting that you have a problem :) I have made so many changes to my place. The energy is changing from all the changes I have made and it's funny that he's never even been here to see them. That was part of the problem, he could never see what I was doing for him. I'm finally getting back into the swing of things. I'm myself again with friends and I'm back spending more time with family. I'm loving the time I spend at home and the dogs are under control. Pansy is off the counters and sleeping in her bed in her room. She still sits on the kitchen table sometimes but I'm working on it. I am getting back into my groove at work. I'm on my phone calls, answering the cell and chatting with little old ladies for twenty minutes on the phone at 9:30 at night about the difference between smoked and grilled chicken. I had an appointment today with my new florist and I feel confident about my vision for Bridal Preview. I'm excited about the design and I feel good about the new vendor relationship. I had lost sight of how happy this life makes me. I forgot how it felt to be excited about the planning and the details to make my vision come to life. I'm finally scrapbooking again and doing some of my best work ever. I figure the writing will come too. Baby steps.