"Friends"

My head hurts tonight. I'm stressed and tired of thinking about him. I can't believe we are here again. And things have been going so well. Too well. That's why I shouldn't be surprised. It's amazing how one simple thing can change everything. I guess it's not really one simple thing. It's everything he is. He doesn't want to be with me. Bottom line. Why do I keep trying when it's so obvious? He says thank you when I say I love you. He says he loves me in his own time and his own way. I just don't believe him anymore.

I don't even know where to begin. I am sad. Things were going so well. I thought we were really making progress. How did this happen? I'm beginning to think everything I felt was in my head. Maybe I imagined a connection. Maybe I imagined that we were falling in love.

But still...here we are again. I want more and he can't give it to me. It sucks really. To be so good for each other and still unable to make it work? It's a cruel reality. Love. I am so in love with him that part of me never wants to let him go. But I'm too smart to fall in head over heels. It's never going to work. He has told me over and over again that he isn't interested in having a relationship. But I'm ready now. I'm finally ready for my future. I want to have my job and have an awesome relationship. More than just sex, and more then just friends. I know I deserve that.


I want him just to be honest with me. He doesn't like enough to commit 100%, but he likes me enough to not want to lose me. When is it enough? I said to a friend the other day that I just wanted to be alone. But I'm not sure that it what I really want. I want him. The hopeless romantic in me hiding behind the realist in me wants to believe that he will decide eventually that he wants to be with me. But if we've been "friends" for collectively almost 9 months, not counting the couple months we split up last time because of the "friendly" misunderstanding, and he hasn't decided he wants to be with me yet, he probably is never going to.

Love

How do we know when we are in love? I have been single for going on five years now. I haven't had to worry about anyone else but myself. I could do whatever I want, whenever I want, sleep with anyone I want. Now that things have been changing with Buzz I have been thinking about it for awhile. I used to love listening to sappy, sad, loved then lost songs. Or angry women hating men songs. My entire Ipod consists of this type of music I've learned since now that I'm in love I don't want to listen to them anymore. I keep hitting skip hoping to find something I want to listen to but it's much more difficult to find songs about people who are happily in relationships. I don't know if this is a relationship but it feels like we are heading in that direction and I have to admit it scares the hell out of me. I only recently have accepted the fact that I'm in love with him. Do you tell men you aren't in a relationship with that you love them? And should you be in love with a man with whom you aren't even sure you are in a relationship with? I went on for weeks, I felt the words were on the tip of my tongue. Every time I was talking to him I wanted to tell him. But he seems to scare easily and I'm not trying to freak the hell out of him. He wants to know though. I think he needs the reassurance. I want to talk to him all the time and be with him all the time. I wake up thinking about him and I fall asleep thinking about him and sometimes I find him in my dreams. I'm scared too though. My sister asked me last night what is different this time. I'm not sure. It just feels different. We are both different and the situation is different. Somehow after everything that happened, we found our way back to each other and it's really good. It's hard though too to really accept it. I have been on my own for so long and now I have to think about him and sacrifice my "me" time for him. But I love to do it. He is part of what makes me me now. It's a scary thought though. Like I told him the other day, I don't just throw love around. Now that he knows he can hurt me. He hurt me before and I wasn't as invested as I am now. I'm in love now. So what happens if and when it doesn't work out? How do we know when we fall out of love? The realist in me wants to accept that most of the time it doesn't work out. The hopeless romantic in me wants to just shout it from the rooftops. I love him. Well shit, who knew this would happen.