"Friends"

My head hurts tonight. I'm stressed and tired of thinking about him. I can't believe we are here again. And things have been going so well. Too well. That's why I shouldn't be surprised. It's amazing how one simple thing can change everything. I guess it's not really one simple thing. It's everything he is. He doesn't want to be with me. Bottom line. Why do I keep trying when it's so obvious? He says thank you when I say I love you. He says he loves me in his own time and his own way. I just don't believe him anymore.

I don't even know where to begin. I am sad. Things were going so well. I thought we were really making progress. How did this happen? I'm beginning to think everything I felt was in my head. Maybe I imagined a connection. Maybe I imagined that we were falling in love.

But still...here we are again. I want more and he can't give it to me. It sucks really. To be so good for each other and still unable to make it work? It's a cruel reality. Love. I am so in love with him that part of me never wants to let him go. But I'm too smart to fall in head over heels. It's never going to work. He has told me over and over again that he isn't interested in having a relationship. But I'm ready now. I'm finally ready for my future. I want to have my job and have an awesome relationship. More than just sex, and more then just friends. I know I deserve that.


I want him just to be honest with me. He doesn't like enough to commit 100%, but he likes me enough to not want to lose me. When is it enough? I said to a friend the other day that I just wanted to be alone. But I'm not sure that it what I really want. I want him. The hopeless romantic in me hiding behind the realist in me wants to believe that he will decide eventually that he wants to be with me. But if we've been "friends" for collectively almost 9 months, not counting the couple months we split up last time because of the "friendly" misunderstanding, and he hasn't decided he wants to be with me yet, he probably is never going to.