Happily Single

I break down my writing by relationship. I have a section for each of the significant men in my past and a section dedicated to the hopelessly single. While decorating the Christmas tree tonight and planning for the holiday party I decided I'm going to host, I realized I'm not hopelessly single. I'm happily single. I believe that there is someone out there for me and I will happily wait until I get it right. It so easy to take freedom for granted. I always know what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. No games to be played or texts to be ignored. You don't want me and I just realized I don't really want you. Any of you. I have tried so long and so hard to be the perfect girl. The perfect prospective girlfriend. All the while not realizing, I already am. I am perfect for someone. Someone who will understand me and what I need. Someone who wants to be there. Who answers the phone, returns the text, and engages in conversation like a man. Someone who gives me the grace I need and realizes I'm not perfect, but I am a beautiful work in progress. I have a good life. I have been blessed with a wonderful family, a beautiful home, a decent job, a happy dog, amazing friends, and so much more. I let the views of few, affect the views of many. And more importantly the views of one. I was made this way for a reason. Built to be the woman I am, who only gets better every day that passes. I'm done wasting time. It's never too late to be brand new, to put everything else in the past and leave it there. Who I am is not what I've done. No longer do these chapters control my head and my heart. I don't want someone who doesn't want me. You wanted freedom and so do I. Freedom to be who I am. Freedom to do what I want. What inspires me. What fulfills me and satisfies me. It's exciting to realize that we don't have to be bound to the mistakes of our past. Enough is enough. This happily single girl is not alone, but finally free.

Lost and alone...again?

I can't quite wrap my mind around it. I am sad and confused. Hurt. Things are never perfect in a relationship, but I didn't realize anything was wrong. I felt safe and comfortable. Like after all this time of trying to be someone else. I could finally be myself. So it hurts to think that maybe that's the problem. Everything happened so suddenly. We went from one great night on Halloween to this. Like everything we had been building all added up to nothing worth hanging on to. Everything I had been building I guess. Trust and respect is earned and developed. I respected you. I thought you were a good man and after one failed relationship to the next over the past year. I finally felt like I had found someone that I could have a future with. I saw us getting that house you talk about with the yard for the dogs. And you cooking in that kitchen you want. Maybe with a bar so I can sit on a stool and watch. I was fascinated by you. Such a good man, like nothing I have ever known. Patient and kind. Now it all seems so silly. Like a waste of a broken heart. I feel discouraged. In what seemed like in just an instant everything changed. And I am mad. I deserved more than just a text. And even the text I had to fight for. Did you just think you could never talk to me again and I wouldn't notice or care? Something happened that you won't tell me about and I am angry because of that. Maybe I wasn't as invested as I should have been. My heart is guarded and with reason after what I have been through the past year. In an instant you violated my heart. Took away from me everything that felt safe. I feel abandoned and cast aside. It seems easy for you. And it probably is. I have few friends up here. Neighbors I can't stand. Your life has probably barely missed a beat. In that instant I lost a friend and confidant. I guess you can't break a broken heart, but still I'm devastated. You used to make me feel beautiful. Every day, I felt lucky. Now all I think about is what I did or said. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or funny enough, or social enough. But I thought I was enough for you. It hurts that I don't know how to be something that you miss. I'm just me. And for the past few years, being just me hasn't been enough for anyone. I am disheartened that I let you in when I didn't want to only to have that trust and respect disregarded with so little care. Not even a phone call or a quick stop to talk. Nothing. I wasn't worth anymore of your time. I'm tired of being disappointed by men. I'm embarrassed that I was obviously more invested than you and so easily abandoned. My feelings and my heart and my mind left to suffer yet another blow.

Moving On

Everything is clean. The house has been dusted. Every corner has been vacumned. The counters are wiped. The mirrors are sparkling. The laundry is done. I guess it’s a healthy outlet. Cleaning. Although as Jocelyn put it the other day, cleaning is more fun with a mimosa in hand and the stack of bottles I need to take out for recycling before mom comes on Saturday tells me that maybe I’m not dealing as well as I would like. I quit smoking, so now I’m drinking? I don’t even like drinking. It makes my tummy hurt and my belly fat. I told a friend tonight, I think I am dangerously close to becoming 700 pounds and bitter. I’m not even that sad. Bored maybe? I just want to get out of the house, but my past stops me from picking up the phone to call company. I would rather be alone. That has to say something about the men in my life. I would rather hang out with a bottle of wine and a Swiffer duster than hang out with most of them. I’ve just stopped responding to all the texts. No, you don’t care how my weekend is going. No, I don’t want to come to Silverton. No, I don’t want to meet you for a drink on Monday. Or Tuesday. Or Sunday. I figure that if I don’t respond, they will take the hint…. They usually don’t. Silly boys.


I won’t lie. I do enjoy company now and again. I want to be wanted. Like most women. I want someone to desire me. To want to see me and want to hang out with me. I want someone to call!!!!! Not text. Call!!!!! I will not date another boy who doesn’t call and ask me out. It’s not hard. I pick up the phone everyday and call strangers to ask for business. He can pick up the phone and call and ask me out. Make plans ahead of time. Not at 10:30 at night, when I have to work in the morning. He can take me out for dinner… and pay. He can even pick me up if he wants to go all out, although I will let that slide. Eventually someone has to get it right. Until then I guess.

I'll never talk again, oh boy you've left me speechless

I don't know how to feel. What to think or what to do. I am confused by what happened and how. Things were going well and then they weren't. Which is pretty standard these days. I feel like I am living in a constant state of chaos. My heart is bruised. I'm not worried about being alone. I enjoy being alone. I don't know why I feel sad. When one leaves there are three more waiting to take his place. After everything we went through, I'm surprised that G is one waiting in line. Smart enough to realize he f*cked up and trying to make it better. No one is perfect or without flaws. Especially me. I continue to make mistakes. Do and say the wrong thing, even though I know better. I guarded my heart this last time with him. Took things slow and held my own pace. I thought we were headed toward the future together. I thought we were on the same page and things were good. I feel stupid, like I knew but wouldn't accept it. It seems like no matter what I do or how I change the outcome is the same. I don't know what's next or what the next step is. I still feel the same disappointment regardless of time spent. A one night stand, a friend with "unresolved chemistry", Tommy Loewen, Tommy Hogan, Charlie, Brad, Ethan, Matt R, Matt S, Matt D, Matt M, Andrew, Kyle, DJ, Jordan, Joel, Garrett, Joey, Ian, Gregg, Frank, John, Eric, Jimmy, the list goes on and on. Since I was 16, men have been coming and going. It's like a revolving door of disappointing experiences. 10 years of dealing with men. I'm done trying. It's to much work to figure someone else out. I always know what I'm doing and what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. That's enough work. Keeping myself from self-destruction on a daily basis, while trying to keep sales up, manage two employees, take care of the dog and the house, do the laundry, all the while also trying to be the perfect friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter and employee. I deserve someone to take care of me for once. To not be "confused" or "unsure of what he wants". I've said it before, I will say it again, "He's just not that into me." So be a man and fucking say it. Don't text it. Don't email it. Don't kick me out of a relationship on facebook. Don't send a telegram or charter a plane across the sky. Grow a pair and talk to me like an adult. Things don't work out everyday. I disappoint people everyday. I didn't meet my goals. I forgot to send that contract. The proposal is too high. I didn't call that client back. I didn't go to my friends house. I couldn't make it to dinner with my parents. As an adult, I take responsibility for all of that. I don't avoid it or make excuses. It's simple really, just living in the truth. Maybe try it some time.