In Shock

I wrote this the first of February:

It feels a lot like I imagine shock would. My whole but just goes numb. My heart races. The anxiety this is causing feels unbearable. I don’t see the end of all this madness and my throat feels like it’s closing. My whole life feels like an out of body experience lately and everything is so wrong I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know what to do. Frequently when I get overwhelmed I just don’t do anything. I don’t pay bills. I don’t talk to anyone. I just shut off. I don’t want to deal with or process any of it anymore. It’s a worse nightmare each passing day. The fighting and the lies and the secret conversations on the porch. Drama drama drama. I just don’t know when enough is enough anymore. We can barely go hours anymore without fighting and I don’t think a relationship is supposed to be so hard. But then again who knows what normal is.