It does hurt. It feels like someone put a hole through my heart. Sometimes I feel like I can hardly breathe. Part of me feels like maybe this was just another way for him to pawn off actually having to make a commitment. We should have never tried again after round one. But I wanted so badly to make it work, I would do anything. I would believe anything. I made excuse after excuse for him. I didn't have anything else going on and I wasn't really available to meet anyone else. Part of me feels relieved now. Like I don't have to keep pretending to be something I'm not. I don't have to not do or say things because it might piss him off. I feel like I have slept in months. Especially these past few weeks, I'm up several times a night. My body has conditioned itself to wake up, just in case, I don't want to miss a call or text from him. I think it was all an illusion. Him and me. I don't think it ever really was in reality what I thought it was in my head. I need to get away. Just let my heart have time to heal. Let my mind have time to sort through thought of him and feelings of doubt and regret. Really these few months are just a blip on my map through life. It's seems silly sometimes to get so worked up. Yet, I still can't stop myself. I'm sad and I don't know where to start healing. Time is passing so slowly and I can run fast enough away from the memory of you. I don't know how to feel better. It hurts all the way to my core. I'm heartbroken. I guess somehow I always knew I would end up alone. Or at least without you. It's amazing that the one person you have to live without can make you forget all of the wonderful things you do have. I can't believe everything we have worked for is falling apart again. I wish I could make it right. But sometimes love is so far gone it can't be saved. I should have known he would do this to me again. Ultimately people don't change.
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