I don't want a relationship with you

Never let the boys come back after they have f*cked it up. It never works out the second time and the first time should have been warning enough, but as women we are forgiving creatures. And as Jessica. I am one of the most forgiving of them all. I give freely and openly. I believe that people are genuinely good. I believe that relationships can work. And I believe that he is different. I always believe that though and he never really is different. And they all say the same thing, I'm not like him. Blah blah blah. Tell your story walking. I let him come back around too. Boundaries. I set them and then don't stick to them. Something that always bites me in the ass. I was into it. A mild flirtation and some pretty heavy sexting. I am seeing someone now. Finally a really good man. But I wanted to keep Boston around a little bit longer just in case. A girl does need options. Plus it was fairly harmless. We actually haven't been together in person in almost a month and I'm pretty sure texts aren't cheating. When I'm writing them. I probably would have let it go farther but now with the latest development I don't need or want to. I don't know why as women when a man doesn't want us, we want them a little bit more. Not to mention I was curious to see what he could do in person after a couple hours of some pretty hot nights. I'm kind of a bitch. We all know this. It's not really a secret. I never promised to be sunshine and kittens all day everyday. So I text him. I wanted him to come over. I hate to be ignored. Fastest way to piss me off. What person since the invention of the cell phone doesn't have it on them? An hour maybe. You are taking a shower, getting the mail, walking the dog. I get it. But more than that and something is fishy. I forget my cell at home and it's serious cause for panic. Enough to chance being late to work to turn around and get it. I wasn't born yesterday. Come on. So I decided to say something, after being ignored all day. And I'm sick. I wanted a little TLC.

"Thanks for ignoring me all day. I hope you enjoy your day off tomorrow!" I text him. Really not the bitchiest thing I've ever said. And it wasn't really all that undeserving. I would say the same thing to any one of my friends and I have before. You can ask them.

I erased his messages. Something I do when I am angry enough. I feel like it is a cleansing of my energy and then later when I want to re-read and laugh about them to myself I'm a little annoyed for feng shuing my phone. His message said something like, you know what Jessica, I'm tired of this, I must be still leading you on, I can fix this, I don't want a relationship with you.


Hold up. First, who said anything about a relationship. Why are men always jumping to conclusions? Sometimes women just want to f*ck too. We can't say anything. Hi, how is your day going? Um, I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. Uh, yeah okay. Second, I'm seeing someone now. And I wasn't going to tell you before. But now that the claws have come out, you are my back up plan. And not my back up relationship plan. My back up, he's not quite getting the job done, sext and possibly more plan. Third, come on. Look at me. I have no trouble finding men who want to play house, have sex, or send me naughty texts. I could have 90% of the straight men at work and half the gays. So really all he did was piss me off. Please. Next time save me the carpal tunnel and just weed yourself out at the beginning. I know it's hard to do. I am a pretty bad ass bitch.

Birthday Texts

So he waited until my birthday to give me the Jessica we can be friends speech. And via text message no less. My initial reaction was, you have got to be kidding me. I'm not even surprised. Fucking fantastic, I responded to him. I forwarded the message to Jocelyn.

She called me at work, laughing. "I'm not even surprised that happened to you."

"I know, right?" I laughed. "I'm not even surprised either, it's like eh all in a day."

All in a birhtday for me anyway. Last year a different boy f*cked with my head. I didn't answer the phone all day. Didn't want to talk to anyone and didn't want any one to say Happy Birthday. Jocelyn and I met at Roadhouse for a non-celebratory dinner. We ordered 32 oz beers and the guy looked at Jocelyn.

"Rough day?" He asked as he checked our ID.

"No, just a Monday." She answered. He left and didn't say happy birthday after checking my ID. "What the f*ck? Why put a 32 oz beer on the menu if they don't want me to order it? And worse he made me feel bad."

It was the worst service ever and the food was bad. I drove home and finished the night crying myself to bed early. F*cking fantastic.

So no one at work this year even knew it was my birthday this year except my assistant. Don't worry, last week for her birthday we had a potluck and cake, but for my birthday I got confetti on my desk and a pink Starbucks donut. Hey, so far it's an improvement. I will take it. I realized tonight that I haven't had a decent birthday since pre war zone with Buzz. Back when I turned 24 and met Ian. He was perfect, doesn't even need a nick name. Ian and I have broke it off twice now and I still have no hard feelings for him. It was always fun. He is a keeper. From that first night I fell out of Heaven and he still continued to come around. No matter how drunk I got, how many times I fell, how many times I bitchy text him, he was always good to me. And he was always up for a good time. I can't even remember how many nights we have spent together, walking home from Macs to Adro's old house, walking home from Macs to Adro's new house. I adore him still. Although waking up with the marks he liked to leave it was like I was dating a vampire. I guess I might as well, that's very trendy these days.

This birthday wasn't much better, but not much worse so I guess that's a good thing. Now he's not talking to me at all after a couple of bitchy texts that evening. I feel bad, but I was vulnerable. Two shitty birthday's and one shitty year is a lot to handle. Although, I'm certain there are more productive ways to handle it, I haven't found one yet. I'm not that mad about it anymore. I feel bad that things worked out this way.

Jocelyn said, "Why are you sad? You didn't even really like him that much."

"Did I not? I couldn't tell this time. I think I liked him."

"No, you didn't."

"Eh, you are probably right. But I hate it when they don't like me!"


I'm not sure whether or not I liked him or just wanted him around. I know that this was not how I anticipated things happening and that the part that really frustrates me is I can't even remember the fun stuff. It's like a cruel joke. It's like I have been waiting this whole time to make out with him and I have no recollection at all. I just know that I woke up naked and that's never a good sign when he is sitting next to you fully clothed and shoes on. It's comical. Then the hangover hits. Freaking meds. By the way, the side effects are memory loss and did we forget to mention that could happen. Like the mouth sores and the muscle cramps and the insomnia. Is it worth to cure one ailment for the suffering of everything else? I'm not sure what's worse. I feel good. I feel like they are working. The side effects seem minimal in comparison. And maybe it will get better, the doctor said to give it 6 weeks. So I'm naked and completely unaware as to why and he is sitting there looking at the clock and telling me it's time to go. Great. So then the message comes and I sort of figured. I'm blonde but come on. I woke up naked and you are worried about being to work on time. And then I don't hear from him for two days. Never a good sign. Oh well. I want to keep texting him and make him forgive me. There is enough sanity and calm still in my mind saying, let it go, Jessica. And I'm sure its time.

Faith

His story is very short. By his choice not mine. It's funny really when the very reason that someone likes you and is attracted is the same reason that keeps them away. I know I'm not perfect. I am very aware of my shortcomings. I start every group the same way, "I'm Jessica, and I'm a faithful believer." I believe that things will get better and that this is all part of the plan. It's easier and defines me in a way other than, "I'm Jessica. I am codependent. I suffer from anxiety and depression I struggle with habits I can't seem to kick and addictions that I don't want to admit I have. I confuse sex with intimacy, and I use men to fill a loneliness I can't quite seem to kick on my own. " I realize these things are wrong and I am really trying to fix what I can. I don't hide who I am. This is me. This is it. This is who I was made to be. I have never hidden my faults, but where display and speak of them openly. I said to him one of the first nights we hung out, "Oh wow, this is really becoming a shit show." He brought it up again, and I found it endearing that he found endearing something I was horribly embarrassed about. He is a good man. Possibly too weak to be my other half but a good man nonetheless. He apologized today for what I'm still not sure. I know he didn't really do anything wrong but be open about his feelings with me and I criticized him for that. Destructive anger. I reacted faster than I could stop myself and after I calmed down it was too late. I'm not sure how to redeem myself and at some point I have to allow myself to stop. When things go south my tendency is to talk about it. Write about it. Chat with friends about it. I want to fix it. Make it better. Apologize. It's hard because men don't want to talk about it. They don't want to read about it. Or discuss it in details while you read a bullet pointed list of what exactly needs to be fixed in the relationship. I hate to feel this helplessness. This overwhelming sense that there is literally nothing I can do. It truly is faith to just accept that I cannot control him. Or you. Or her. I can barely control me. Let's rephrase that. I can't control me. I try. I do the very best I can. And most days, that still isn't good enough. Everything will be okay though. Have faith.