Faith

His story is very short. By his choice not mine. It's funny really when the very reason that someone likes you and is attracted is the same reason that keeps them away. I know I'm not perfect. I am very aware of my shortcomings. I start every group the same way, "I'm Jessica, and I'm a faithful believer." I believe that things will get better and that this is all part of the plan. It's easier and defines me in a way other than, "I'm Jessica. I am codependent. I suffer from anxiety and depression I struggle with habits I can't seem to kick and addictions that I don't want to admit I have. I confuse sex with intimacy, and I use men to fill a loneliness I can't quite seem to kick on my own. " I realize these things are wrong and I am really trying to fix what I can. I don't hide who I am. This is me. This is it. This is who I was made to be. I have never hidden my faults, but where display and speak of them openly. I said to him one of the first nights we hung out, "Oh wow, this is really becoming a shit show." He brought it up again, and I found it endearing that he found endearing something I was horribly embarrassed about. He is a good man. Possibly too weak to be my other half but a good man nonetheless. He apologized today for what I'm still not sure. I know he didn't really do anything wrong but be open about his feelings with me and I criticized him for that. Destructive anger. I reacted faster than I could stop myself and after I calmed down it was too late. I'm not sure how to redeem myself and at some point I have to allow myself to stop. When things go south my tendency is to talk about it. Write about it. Chat with friends about it. I want to fix it. Make it better. Apologize. It's hard because men don't want to talk about it. They don't want to read about it. Or discuss it in details while you read a bullet pointed list of what exactly needs to be fixed in the relationship. I hate to feel this helplessness. This overwhelming sense that there is literally nothing I can do. It truly is faith to just accept that I cannot control him. Or you. Or her. I can barely control me. Let's rephrase that. I can't control me. I try. I do the very best I can. And most days, that still isn't good enough. Everything will be okay though. Have faith.