Birthday Texts

So he waited until my birthday to give me the Jessica we can be friends speech. And via text message no less. My initial reaction was, you have got to be kidding me. I'm not even surprised. Fucking fantastic, I responded to him. I forwarded the message to Jocelyn.

She called me at work, laughing. "I'm not even surprised that happened to you."

"I know, right?" I laughed. "I'm not even surprised either, it's like eh all in a day."

All in a birhtday for me anyway. Last year a different boy f*cked with my head. I didn't answer the phone all day. Didn't want to talk to anyone and didn't want any one to say Happy Birthday. Jocelyn and I met at Roadhouse for a non-celebratory dinner. We ordered 32 oz beers and the guy looked at Jocelyn.

"Rough day?" He asked as he checked our ID.

"No, just a Monday." She answered. He left and didn't say happy birthday after checking my ID. "What the f*ck? Why put a 32 oz beer on the menu if they don't want me to order it? And worse he made me feel bad."

It was the worst service ever and the food was bad. I drove home and finished the night crying myself to bed early. F*cking fantastic.

So no one at work this year even knew it was my birthday this year except my assistant. Don't worry, last week for her birthday we had a potluck and cake, but for my birthday I got confetti on my desk and a pink Starbucks donut. Hey, so far it's an improvement. I will take it. I realized tonight that I haven't had a decent birthday since pre war zone with Buzz. Back when I turned 24 and met Ian. He was perfect, doesn't even need a nick name. Ian and I have broke it off twice now and I still have no hard feelings for him. It was always fun. He is a keeper. From that first night I fell out of Heaven and he still continued to come around. No matter how drunk I got, how many times I fell, how many times I bitchy text him, he was always good to me. And he was always up for a good time. I can't even remember how many nights we have spent together, walking home from Macs to Adro's old house, walking home from Macs to Adro's new house. I adore him still. Although waking up with the marks he liked to leave it was like I was dating a vampire. I guess I might as well, that's very trendy these days.

This birthday wasn't much better, but not much worse so I guess that's a good thing. Now he's not talking to me at all after a couple of bitchy texts that evening. I feel bad, but I was vulnerable. Two shitty birthday's and one shitty year is a lot to handle. Although, I'm certain there are more productive ways to handle it, I haven't found one yet. I'm not that mad about it anymore. I feel bad that things worked out this way.

Jocelyn said, "Why are you sad? You didn't even really like him that much."

"Did I not? I couldn't tell this time. I think I liked him."

"No, you didn't."

"Eh, you are probably right. But I hate it when they don't like me!"


I'm not sure whether or not I liked him or just wanted him around. I know that this was not how I anticipated things happening and that the part that really frustrates me is I can't even remember the fun stuff. It's like a cruel joke. It's like I have been waiting this whole time to make out with him and I have no recollection at all. I just know that I woke up naked and that's never a good sign when he is sitting next to you fully clothed and shoes on. It's comical. Then the hangover hits. Freaking meds. By the way, the side effects are memory loss and did we forget to mention that could happen. Like the mouth sores and the muscle cramps and the insomnia. Is it worth to cure one ailment for the suffering of everything else? I'm not sure what's worse. I feel good. I feel like they are working. The side effects seem minimal in comparison. And maybe it will get better, the doctor said to give it 6 weeks. So I'm naked and completely unaware as to why and he is sitting there looking at the clock and telling me it's time to go. Great. So then the message comes and I sort of figured. I'm blonde but come on. I woke up naked and you are worried about being to work on time. And then I don't hear from him for two days. Never a good sign. Oh well. I want to keep texting him and make him forgive me. There is enough sanity and calm still in my mind saying, let it go, Jessica. And I'm sure its time.