What Happens Next

I can’t stop thinking about him. Why? He sucks. He isn’t worth anything. So why do I care? I don’t know. I can’t answer that. I had a dream about him last night. I fantasize about the opportunity to seek vengeance. I know it’s the wrong thing to do but lately I’m obsessed. I am so angry that he just gets to leave. Just walk out on me. Who does that? He literally looked me in the eyes said not to worry he was going for ice cream and would be back in an hour and then never came back. And yet I’m the one stuck thinking about him. I hope that in some perfect world he is sitting around thinking how bad he fucked up. I know that’s wrong too but I can’t help it. I so desperately want him to feel bad like I have. Feel hurt like I have. Feel scared like I have. And then today I find out the love of my life is having a baby with another woman. It just seems like everyone is living what I used to think should be my life. So where does this leave me? What happens next is anyone's guess.

I’m afraid I’ve become numb to the world around me. I’ve been afraid to write because I’m not sure what I’ll say anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore. Everything seems so distant past but it wasn’t long ago we were making plans. I loved him so much. Now it all just seems so foolish. Everything has changed so much in the past few months. My home, my work, my family. I’m sure it’s all part of a bigger, better plan but I don’t know how well I’m adapting. I have been afraid to move on I guess. I kept thinking that he would call, that I meant more to him then to just walk out. And not just walk out, but lie to my face so I couldn’t even cause a scene. Selfish. And yet I am supposed to forgive. I know that it’s not forgiveness when I hope he gets what he deserves and that’s the stage I’m stuck in right now. I’ve learned in recovery that forgiveness is a train of feelings, eventually the feelings car will come even if right now it’s just boxcar after boxcar of anger, resentment, lies, and revenge. I have faith the feelings will come. God is so good.