I’m afraid I’ve become numb to the world around me. I’ve been afraid to write because I’m not sure what I’ll say anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore. Everything seems so distant past but it wasn’t long ago we were making plans. I loved him so much. Now it all just seems so foolish. Everything has changed so much in the past few months. My home, my work, my family. I’m sure it’s all part of a bigger, better plan but I don’t know how well I’m adapting. I have been afraid to move on I guess. I kept thinking that he would call, that I meant more to him then to just walk out. And not just walk out, but lie to my face so I couldn’t even cause a scene. Selfish. And yet I am supposed to forgive. I know that it’s not forgiveness when I hope he gets what he deserves and that’s the stage I’m stuck in right now. I’ve learned in recovery that forgiveness is a train of feelings, eventually the feelings car will come even if right now it’s just boxcar after boxcar of anger, resentment, lies, and revenge. I have faith the feelings will come. God is so good.