2011

Happy new year. I spent the new year with good friends, had a kiss at midnight, and spent the entire day in bed on new years day. Ringing in the new year was exactly as planned. Leaving behind the drama and exhaustion of 2010 and headed into 2011 with my head high and my slate clear. New year's resolutions. Every year we make a list of things we want to avoid/try/change for the new year. Let's see what I want for 2011.

○ To lose the weight I put on the past few months while hiding from the world, I have put back on the weight I lost after being kicked around in July. I spend $50.00 on healthy food at the store tonight. So far I feel like I’m starving.
○ I said to myself on new years eve as I drove away from one of the boys who hurt me last year that I would not pursue any man this year. I'm worth pursuing.
○ I also said to myself in the same breath that I would have a Buzz free, Jay-Z free, G3 free no year. Although the list goes on, those 3 really got to go.
○ I surrender to God's plan. The past two years I have been struggling on my own, following my plan. I give this year to Him. I am sure His way is better than mine.

An expensive lesson

He said to me this time, "I really do not or did not try to f*ck with you! I really didn't think I was leading you on tho! I don't like hurting you so I just thought that I should speak up now befor things go heavier!" That was his exact message. I should have known. Being friends is something woman say when they want to trick guys into getting back together by allowing them to see how amazing they are by remaining friends. I keep putting him on this pedestal, thinking he's this great guy because he has treated me the best out of the revolving door of losers that I have been through this past year/life. Turns out he's worse because he's in camouflage. I tell him that I don’t want to talk about it anymore, I don't understand him. I'm lost in emotions, not sure if I should be sad or angry or relieved. I'm not really surprised. The only thing that would surprise me would be someone who stayed. I knew this would happen, I told him this would happen. I am fantastic. He did see that when I was there. He kept saying, I want to kiss you, please stay. Stay with me, I miss you. Holding my hand and hugging me. Calling me babe. And like the woman I don't want to be, I ate it up. I want to be loved and love in return. The problem is I usually offer love without being loved in return. I allowed myself to be led on. I didn't stay though and I wouldn't let him kiss me because I knew this would happen. So I am angry because I was right. I am angry because he is exactly who I thought he was. But I'm not sad. Embarrassed for being tricked again, pissed that it cost me $350.00 because my car got towed at his shitty apartment that I previously vowed never to go to again, but not sad. An expensive lesson to learn. Next time I would rather just pay the money and hold onto my heart.

The Next Intended Thing

I have been planning this party for weeks. I decided I was going to have a holiday party and it completely consumed me. Planning menus, shopping, baking. All for tonight which turned out less than perfect. I have been so excited. Something to look forward to and focus energy on. I want to love people. I want to make sure they are taken care of. I wanted them to feel included and special. I thought about everyone. What they would want and enjoy. It started earlier today when Boston said he wasn't coming. Actually he didn't say anything. That would out of character. Instead, I heard through Andrew, my gay boyfriend, that he wasn't coming. I planned special beverages just for him. I planned an entire non-alcoholic menu. Just so he would feel loved and respected. I went out of my way to invite Fiona when I knew it was going to make other people uncomfortable. I invited everyone so everyone would feel included and welcome. Instead, they didn't come. Then I got a message from Jay-Z that he wanted to come but felt awkward. He didn't want to confuse things between us. I didn't realize there were things to confuse. He can't come because he doesn't trust himself and he is confused. If I have to hear about his f*cking confusion one more f*cking time, I swear. It's like Buzz and the damn writing on the wall. Literally. He talked about it for months. The things he said when he thought it was me still echo in my dreams of him. He was mean when he wanted to be. Then when he finally got it through his head that I don't make it a habit to drive all over Oregon writing hurtful things on bathroom stalls about him, he was obsessed with talking about who it could have been. I blamed friends and went along with his delusion only because it kept him from blaming me. Then he started on why wasn't I a better woman. Why hadn't I gone in a sandpapered it off the stall walls in Silverton. He talked about it for months. I finally gave up, drove to Silverton, stuck some sandpaper in my purse, snuck into the restroom, and sandpapered it off only so I didn't have to hear about it anymore. I didn't tell anyone I had done it. I was so embarrassed. I guess I needed to read the writing on the wall. Metaphorically. I told Jay-Z the only confusion was him, I have been fantastic. Do what you want. I just wish if he wasn't going to come he didn't make sure a big dramatic production of it. I'm coming, I'm not, I'm confused. I want to but I just don't know. I probably shouldn't. I was wrapped up in bullshit texts for an hour or more and then by the end so frazzled, confused, and LSE (low self esteem), that I didn't even want to be at my party. I tried to pretend. To be happy and I was for the rest of the night. Then everyone left and I lay on the couch with Mya. Rivers of tears. My heart hurts so bad I can't breathe. I pray for relief. For breath and strength. My lungs rushed full of air and lay there for a few more minutes. I realized even though I have been so mistreated this year. Even though people continue to wound my heart, I am still loving others. All I wanted was to bring joy and support to those closest to me. Christina and I spend more time together than her and her husband. I want her to feel comfortable and supported by me. To trust me. To respect me. I stood up and went to the kitchen. A former good friend told me once to proceed with the next intended thing. I told him what if I don't know what that is? He said just do what's next. So I packed up all the crackers and chips. And surveyed the wreckage and realized. This house shows love. The food was eaten. There were cups and bottles everywhere. Mya was asleep on the couch. The house smells of cookies and meatballs. I thought to myself, there is still love here. I am still loved. Even if Jay-Z doesn't, or Boston doesn't, or G doesn't, or Buzz never did, I am loved. Mya is loved. We have friends and family who want to see us. My sister and my niece stopped by and I was telling them what happened and tears sprang to my eyes. My fourteen year old niece said he doesn't deserve you. He may not, but I still want him to. My head hurts and my eyes are swollen from crying. It's time for the next intended thing, rest.

Happily Single

I break down my writing by relationship. I have a section for each of the significant men in my past and a section dedicated to the hopelessly single. While decorating the Christmas tree tonight and planning for the holiday party I decided I'm going to host, I realized I'm not hopelessly single. I'm happily single. I believe that there is someone out there for me and I will happily wait until I get it right. It so easy to take freedom for granted. I always know what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. No games to be played or texts to be ignored. You don't want me and I just realized I don't really want you. Any of you. I have tried so long and so hard to be the perfect girl. The perfect prospective girlfriend. All the while not realizing, I already am. I am perfect for someone. Someone who will understand me and what I need. Someone who wants to be there. Who answers the phone, returns the text, and engages in conversation like a man. Someone who gives me the grace I need and realizes I'm not perfect, but I am a beautiful work in progress. I have a good life. I have been blessed with a wonderful family, a beautiful home, a decent job, a happy dog, amazing friends, and so much more. I let the views of few, affect the views of many. And more importantly the views of one. I was made this way for a reason. Built to be the woman I am, who only gets better every day that passes. I'm done wasting time. It's never too late to be brand new, to put everything else in the past and leave it there. Who I am is not what I've done. No longer do these chapters control my head and my heart. I don't want someone who doesn't want me. You wanted freedom and so do I. Freedom to be who I am. Freedom to do what I want. What inspires me. What fulfills me and satisfies me. It's exciting to realize that we don't have to be bound to the mistakes of our past. Enough is enough. This happily single girl is not alone, but finally free.

Lost and alone...again?

I can't quite wrap my mind around it. I am sad and confused. Hurt. Things are never perfect in a relationship, but I didn't realize anything was wrong. I felt safe and comfortable. Like after all this time of trying to be someone else. I could finally be myself. So it hurts to think that maybe that's the problem. Everything happened so suddenly. We went from one great night on Halloween to this. Like everything we had been building all added up to nothing worth hanging on to. Everything I had been building I guess. Trust and respect is earned and developed. I respected you. I thought you were a good man and after one failed relationship to the next over the past year. I finally felt like I had found someone that I could have a future with. I saw us getting that house you talk about with the yard for the dogs. And you cooking in that kitchen you want. Maybe with a bar so I can sit on a stool and watch. I was fascinated by you. Such a good man, like nothing I have ever known. Patient and kind. Now it all seems so silly. Like a waste of a broken heart. I feel discouraged. In what seemed like in just an instant everything changed. And I am mad. I deserved more than just a text. And even the text I had to fight for. Did you just think you could never talk to me again and I wouldn't notice or care? Something happened that you won't tell me about and I am angry because of that. Maybe I wasn't as invested as I should have been. My heart is guarded and with reason after what I have been through the past year. In an instant you violated my heart. Took away from me everything that felt safe. I feel abandoned and cast aside. It seems easy for you. And it probably is. I have few friends up here. Neighbors I can't stand. Your life has probably barely missed a beat. In that instant I lost a friend and confidant. I guess you can't break a broken heart, but still I'm devastated. You used to make me feel beautiful. Every day, I felt lucky. Now all I think about is what I did or said. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or funny enough, or social enough. But I thought I was enough for you. It hurts that I don't know how to be something that you miss. I'm just me. And for the past few years, being just me hasn't been enough for anyone. I am disheartened that I let you in when I didn't want to only to have that trust and respect disregarded with so little care. Not even a phone call or a quick stop to talk. Nothing. I wasn't worth anymore of your time. I'm tired of being disappointed by men. I'm embarrassed that I was obviously more invested than you and so easily abandoned. My feelings and my heart and my mind left to suffer yet another blow.

Moving On

Everything is clean. The house has been dusted. Every corner has been vacumned. The counters are wiped. The mirrors are sparkling. The laundry is done. I guess it’s a healthy outlet. Cleaning. Although as Jocelyn put it the other day, cleaning is more fun with a mimosa in hand and the stack of bottles I need to take out for recycling before mom comes on Saturday tells me that maybe I’m not dealing as well as I would like. I quit smoking, so now I’m drinking? I don’t even like drinking. It makes my tummy hurt and my belly fat. I told a friend tonight, I think I am dangerously close to becoming 700 pounds and bitter. I’m not even that sad. Bored maybe? I just want to get out of the house, but my past stops me from picking up the phone to call company. I would rather be alone. That has to say something about the men in my life. I would rather hang out with a bottle of wine and a Swiffer duster than hang out with most of them. I’ve just stopped responding to all the texts. No, you don’t care how my weekend is going. No, I don’t want to come to Silverton. No, I don’t want to meet you for a drink on Monday. Or Tuesday. Or Sunday. I figure that if I don’t respond, they will take the hint…. They usually don’t. Silly boys.


I won’t lie. I do enjoy company now and again. I want to be wanted. Like most women. I want someone to desire me. To want to see me and want to hang out with me. I want someone to call!!!!! Not text. Call!!!!! I will not date another boy who doesn’t call and ask me out. It’s not hard. I pick up the phone everyday and call strangers to ask for business. He can pick up the phone and call and ask me out. Make plans ahead of time. Not at 10:30 at night, when I have to work in the morning. He can take me out for dinner… and pay. He can even pick me up if he wants to go all out, although I will let that slide. Eventually someone has to get it right. Until then I guess.

I'll never talk again, oh boy you've left me speechless

I don't know how to feel. What to think or what to do. I am confused by what happened and how. Things were going well and then they weren't. Which is pretty standard these days. I feel like I am living in a constant state of chaos. My heart is bruised. I'm not worried about being alone. I enjoy being alone. I don't know why I feel sad. When one leaves there are three more waiting to take his place. After everything we went through, I'm surprised that G is one waiting in line. Smart enough to realize he f*cked up and trying to make it better. No one is perfect or without flaws. Especially me. I continue to make mistakes. Do and say the wrong thing, even though I know better. I guarded my heart this last time with him. Took things slow and held my own pace. I thought we were headed toward the future together. I thought we were on the same page and things were good. I feel stupid, like I knew but wouldn't accept it. It seems like no matter what I do or how I change the outcome is the same. I don't know what's next or what the next step is. I still feel the same disappointment regardless of time spent. A one night stand, a friend with "unresolved chemistry", Tommy Loewen, Tommy Hogan, Charlie, Brad, Ethan, Matt R, Matt S, Matt D, Matt M, Andrew, Kyle, DJ, Jordan, Joel, Garrett, Joey, Ian, Gregg, Frank, John, Eric, Jimmy, the list goes on and on. Since I was 16, men have been coming and going. It's like a revolving door of disappointing experiences. 10 years of dealing with men. I'm done trying. It's to much work to figure someone else out. I always know what I'm doing and what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. That's enough work. Keeping myself from self-destruction on a daily basis, while trying to keep sales up, manage two employees, take care of the dog and the house, do the laundry, all the while also trying to be the perfect friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter and employee. I deserve someone to take care of me for once. To not be "confused" or "unsure of what he wants". I've said it before, I will say it again, "He's just not that into me." So be a man and fucking say it. Don't text it. Don't email it. Don't kick me out of a relationship on facebook. Don't send a telegram or charter a plane across the sky. Grow a pair and talk to me like an adult. Things don't work out everyday. I disappoint people everyday. I didn't meet my goals. I forgot to send that contract. The proposal is too high. I didn't call that client back. I didn't go to my friends house. I couldn't make it to dinner with my parents. As an adult, I take responsibility for all of that. I don't avoid it or make excuses. It's simple really, just living in the truth. Maybe try it some time.