My So Called Friends

Today I am thankful for…God.  Even though I’m angry right now or sad or whatever seems to be happening I know He is faithful.  Everything happens for a reason.  And everything happens in His time not mine.  I can rest assured knowing that He always comes through. 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”   Jeremiah 29:11.

 

Now.  Commit to memory.  We have the natural inclination to blame God when things don’t go how we want them to.  Whether believers or not everyone curses His name it seems.  And I am no different.  I get mad and angry and as a believer of Christ I find myself blaming Him, cursing Him, or retreating from Him.  Then humbly I admit my fault and sheepishly repent, like a child to her father. 

I have thought about writing and found myself in a place today where I finally have found my way back.  My voice had disappeared and now it’s time once again to speak up.  It seems as though nothing can ever go right at the same time.  While I now find my love life under control, I still somehow feel out of control.  I am lucky to have someone who loves me as much as Ryan.  He is a good man and I am thankful for him every day.  I still don’t know how it’s possible to have found someone like him but I am amazed by him.  I prayed every day that God would send someone to love me and I believe that he is the answer to my prayers.

 

I have always thought I had it planned perfectly.  I knew exactly how life would go, who I would be, what I would do, who I would love.  Now I realize I know nothing.  I could not have planned all this and while some days I feel that life is not how it “should” be, I still rest assured that there is a bigger picture and that someone much more qualified has it under control.  I find myself thinking more and more that I am the biggest obstacle in the way of all my “plans”.  I want so much for life to be a certain way that I am angry when I can’t control it.  I am hurt when things don’t go how I want.  I feel foolish now for thinking these things but will admit that I do.

Part of this comes up as I find myself not invited to a wedding for a so called friend from college.  I’m not surprised.  I’ve never been that close with her.  But it feels like a slap in the face to see all my “friends” hanging out without me for all the pre-wedding festivities.  It makes me realize that nothing is the way I think it should be.  I feel like I have wasted so much time trying to be a good friend to people that were never friends to begin with.  Yet I find myself feeling worse than I thought I would.  Then I think I should.  Since I was young I have always been trying to fit in and I never have.  In college I was always trying to be popular since I never was in high school.  I found some girls that accepted me into their friend group and I thought I had it made.  For once I was included.  But I was always different.  I never really fit in and now 6 years after college graduation those same mean girls we all know and have dealt with have found a way to make me feel like we are still in high school.  You would think after all these years it would go away.  That pressure to fit in and belong.  It turns out it doesn’t.  It makes me so sad to think that I wasted so much of life’s precious time with so called “friends”. 

I had hoped to have these girls to grow old with.  To call upon when getting married or having babies.  Instead I have found myself clinging to the idea that we were “friends” all these years when I should have known.  Instead, I have to call, text, Facebook, beg, to hang out only to have another 6+ months go by without any word.  Looking back I’ve always known I didn’t belong and if I had let go sooner maybe I would have those friendships that are true, meaningful and lasting instead of a long line of so called “friends” that I really only know through status updates. 

All of this has me really contemplating the true definition of friendship.  So I consult the Bible as I am certain that all real truth comes from here.  And while there is no specific definition for friendship I find two verses that help me to understand what friendship really means. 

“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.”  John 15:13 

“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”  Proverbs 17: 17

It’s hard to deny the truth when you see it so plainly.  I am constantly learning about what real love is.  Real, unconditional love.  It’s what I find in my relationship.  A commitment to each other regardless of faults and mistakes.  Constant and continuous forgiveness.  I tell Ryan that I will always forgive him.  So I know that I will always forgive my so called friends.  I believe myself to be a good friend but reading these verses I know I have a lot to learn still.

 Jesus tells us to “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ Matthew 22:36-40

Friendship and companionship are at the top of His list.  And for most of us they are at the top of ours.  We are lucky to find people in life that we can love and love us in return.  And for me it’s finally time that I let go of those who don’t really love me so I can focus my time and energy on building lasting relationships with those who do.  I guess I have to let go of who I was so I can be who I am.  And those in my life who love me like Jesus does will reveal themselves in time.  

Life Like a Taylor Swift Song

 January 6, 2013.  I am thankful for Ryan.  I'm thankful for a job, a roof over our heads, a car to drive to work, heat.  With the year I had in 2012, I am thankful for a fresh start in 2013.  

Here we are five months later and after heartbreak for the millionth time I find myself in love again.  Somewhere we fall unavoidably.  Or maybe it’s just me.  How can we fall in love and out and in again in less than one year.  It sounds like a Taylor Swift song.  Yes, life is all just a hop skip and a jump away from a country song.  All I need now is a for my car to breakdown and Mya to runaway.  So back to the issues, I find myself in love again with a different man.  A good man.  What?!?! I know you must be thinking, there is no such thing.  And I don’t know how to tell the difference after so many times I’ve been fooled.  So I forbid myself from speaking to anyone for fear of acting the fool again.  I want this to be different, I want this to be real.  But I’m trying so hard to be everything to everyone.  The perfect girlfriend, the perfect daughter, the perfect sister, friend, boss, employee, co-worker, Christian, Dog Mommy to Mya, I literally feel exhausted just trying to do the right thing everyday.  And sometimes I feel like I can’t be the perfect girlfriend and be the perfect friend.  I try to everyone, text everyone, Dice everyone, be involved in every detail, work 40 hours, cook and clean, attend bible study… the list goes on.  Plus, I have to keep up with the X Factor.  It’s quite the busy life I lead.  

Backslide

Everyone says there is a specific time you have to get over someone.  Half the time you were together, get under someone else, 10,000 drinks… I’m not sure what it takes.  Time and God is the best answer I’ve got.  Although I’ve tried all of the above.  Over the span of the last eleven years of my dating life I have tried it all.  I pick myself up the best I can but I guess we are all entitled to backsliding.  It’s biblical.  “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall!” 1 Corinthians 10:12.  We are expected to backslid.  Not that that makes it any easier.  I backslid with G.  Saying I’m over it the drunken texting when I’m supposed to be out having fun.  Wait, I was out having fun, then decided I’m awesome and he deserved to be bitched at.  Although it never solves anything but making me feel like an ass.  But instead of dwelling, I erased the messages the next day without rereading them, told my sponsor and some friends to keep from secrecy, and just decided to hell with it.  It’s over and done with.  I’m just mad about all the loose ends.  Not being allowed any closure.  Same this with the boy next door.  He literally left and just never came back and never said another word.  5 months later I still don’t even know what happened to this man that looked in my eyes and told me he loved me.  He talked about our children while I played Need for Speed in the sweet pink Cadillac he built me.  Where do those dreams go?  G just stopped responding.  Neat.  I’ve been fighting with myself, literally, for the past two months.  He hasn’t even said anything.  Douche.  G never talked about our future.  Or really our present.  We didn’t spend much time alone and it still seemed awkward sometimes when we did.  I guess we were just more friends than anything.  Still it sucks to be dumped by my friend in one of the worst ways possible.  Just leaving without another word so I get to sit and ponder for the rest of time what went wrong.  I have been processing through it, trying to figure out my part.  I’m still working on it.     

Wide Awake

I'm wide awake
Not losing any sleep
I picked up every piece
And landed on my feet

Some days are better than others. My horoscope today read, “ No one can be good all the time, but give it your best shot today. “ Exactly my thought. I guess the past few months I was surviving. Putting one foot in front of the other, following my 3 hr plan, and recovering. Now I feel like I am actually living. It has been so long since I felt this way. I remember a moment last year probably close to a year ago when I felt like this, full of life. Happy. Healthy. I finally woke up out of this pain and I’m moving forward. Not just existing, but living life, doing what I want, seeing who I want, staying home when I want. God is good. He hears our prayers and He sees exactly what we need. Life hurts, God heals and I am living proof. I’m wide awake.

Silence

First, I want to change how I write. I am thankful for a safe place to call home. I am thankful for a shower. I am thankful for my sisters. I am thankful for Lindsey. I am thankful for Dionne. I am thankful for the church and the women there who recognize my worth everyday rather than just my “good” days. I do not want eveyuthing I write to be negative or angry but when we are stuck in a shitty situation more often then not that is what happens. I wrote this next passage last night. Ignoring and silence is a trigger for me. I do not, have not, will not, ever respond well to this. It is mean and hurtful. No response, no response, no response. I must say I am powerless to control the anger that has overtaken me. I am powerless to control the emotion, the rage and the sadness I feel. And here we are again. I must tell you that this is one of the douchiest things ever done to me by a man. I guess I’m not surprised. I have wrote before about the scorpion and the frog and this is his nature. I know him better than he thinks. I know this is what he does. He leaves. He ignores. He runs. I know he would make a conscious choice to hurt me like this and I’m not even a little bit surprised. We have done all this before. Same shit different day. Silence as a weapon is one of the nastiest forms of abuse. And that’s all it is. Abuse. What he does to me is abuse. And I continue to allow it. So I guess what I have realized is that I am the one that needs to change. I’m guess he thinks things will be fine. He will call in another month or so with the I miss you and blah blah blah excuses like usual. But I am the one that has to put an end to it. And it’s easier said then done. But I have faith that He will make this right. Even with all the mistakes I have made. “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Well hell...

Well hell. When I sat down to write this that was literally the first thing that came to mind. So I guess it's a good jumping off point. I think a lot. About everything. Why we exist? Why is there Earth if we could all just be in Heaven? Where is this life going? Am I going to be able to pay the bills if I lose my job? These things cross my mind. Plus silly simple things, what will I wear tomorrow? Does he think about me? What will I do after work? I sometimes feel like I am never at rest. I know that I am not supposed to understand it so everyday I practice faith and patience that He knows exactly what I need and will provide it in His time. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1. Ever since I was little I would worry. My grandma passed recently and my sister's brought me her worry beads. Since college when I get really stressed I don't sleep. Or I fall asleep and wake up. Toss and turn. I know when I am not sleeping because Mya takes to her own bed. I don't blame her. I am annoyed with me too. Life is so short I wonder why we waste so much time being angry with each other. I wonder why we shut people out who love us and push people away when they want to be close to us. I wonder why we play games. I wonder if all I will ever do is work to live. I feel like that girl who just talks about the same boy forever and never does anything about it. I don't even want to hear about it anymore, I can only imagine what my friends think. So instead I think I will just focus on me. I can't control him. I can only control my behaviors and actions. So why not just enjoy life? I intend to.

Breaking in thirds

So yes I have abandonment issues. Somewhere sometime in my life left me. And as a result I fear abandonment. That is a huge breakthrough I guess. To say that to the world. Maybe it was my dad leaving when I was three as my mom tells me because I cried a lot as a baby. My mom and dad have never left, they have always been here. Physically. But enough about my childhood. I guess I shouldn’t say that, because that’s why the issues of abandonment creep up on me now. Because I stuff that fear down inside. And then stuff more pain on that fear and more fears on that pain and then here I am, 27 going on 28 sitting at home alone with mascara streaming down my face. All because I am afraid he will leave. And what is worse, I don’t care that much. That’s not what I mean. I care about him. I care about him more than any other man. I love his son. I love him. It is not ideal and yet he is the only one I want to be with on any given day. I am comfortable with him. I can be myself with him. He is the realest thing in my life. We have been through the worst parts of life together. I know I could be without him. I have done it before. Someone else would come along, maybe someone more right. Maybe someone “better”. But I don’t want better I want him. So I don’t know what it is then. I don’t mind being alone. I have no problem finding sex if I want it. I have friends and a life. So why am I afraid to lose him? I feel panic at the thought. Maybe it’s ATV. I love that boy like my own. I told a story to Amber yesterday about taking him on a play date a few weeks ago then we stopped to get ice cream. I was chatting with my mom and Jen on the phone while driving home, ATV in the back seat with his vanilla cone. I hear him say, “This is ridiculous.” I ask him what is? “My ice cream is melting all over the place.” He says frustrated. I tell mom and Jen I have to go because we have a ridiculous situation. I take his cone, slobbered all over and dripping down the sides. I licked it all over, then gave it back to him. “That’s love” I told Amber yesterday. It’s like my heart not just breaking, but breaking in thirds. I think maybe I am afraid to be so close. It’s easier now to leave then 6 months from now. Maybe it will feel better if I do it first. I feel like relationships are ultimately bound to fail. I think God keeps some people single though because they are stronger to be alone. Maybe not ready yet or have other work to complete first. I don’t know but I know that He knows and that is comforting. Still my heart hurts tonight. I drove around for an hour after work crying and trying to get ahold of G. I don’t understand why someone I could love so much would want to hurt me. But I have to realize it’s not always about me. . “ People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. - Mother Teresa “ And G is just human. This is some heavy shit he is dealing with and I am just collateral damage. So how does this work? When am I done forgiving? How much is too much to forgive? “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22