Breaking in thirds

So yes I have abandonment issues. Somewhere sometime in my life left me. And as a result I fear abandonment. That is a huge breakthrough I guess. To say that to the world. Maybe it was my dad leaving when I was three as my mom tells me because I cried a lot as a baby. My mom and dad have never left, they have always been here. Physically. But enough about my childhood. I guess I shouldn’t say that, because that’s why the issues of abandonment creep up on me now. Because I stuff that fear down inside. And then stuff more pain on that fear and more fears on that pain and then here I am, 27 going on 28 sitting at home alone with mascara streaming down my face. All because I am afraid he will leave. And what is worse, I don’t care that much. That’s not what I mean. I care about him. I care about him more than any other man. I love his son. I love him. It is not ideal and yet he is the only one I want to be with on any given day. I am comfortable with him. I can be myself with him. He is the realest thing in my life. We have been through the worst parts of life together. I know I could be without him. I have done it before. Someone else would come along, maybe someone more right. Maybe someone “better”. But I don’t want better I want him. So I don’t know what it is then. I don’t mind being alone. I have no problem finding sex if I want it. I have friends and a life. So why am I afraid to lose him? I feel panic at the thought. Maybe it’s ATV. I love that boy like my own. I told a story to Amber yesterday about taking him on a play date a few weeks ago then we stopped to get ice cream. I was chatting with my mom and Jen on the phone while driving home, ATV in the back seat with his vanilla cone. I hear him say, “This is ridiculous.” I ask him what is? “My ice cream is melting all over the place.” He says frustrated. I tell mom and Jen I have to go because we have a ridiculous situation. I take his cone, slobbered all over and dripping down the sides. I licked it all over, then gave it back to him. “That’s love” I told Amber yesterday. It’s like my heart not just breaking, but breaking in thirds. I think maybe I am afraid to be so close. It’s easier now to leave then 6 months from now. Maybe it will feel better if I do it first. I feel like relationships are ultimately bound to fail. I think God keeps some people single though because they are stronger to be alone. Maybe not ready yet or have other work to complete first. I don’t know but I know that He knows and that is comforting. Still my heart hurts tonight. I drove around for an hour after work crying and trying to get ahold of G. I don’t understand why someone I could love so much would want to hurt me. But I have to realize it’s not always about me. . “ People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. - Mother Teresa “ And G is just human. This is some heavy shit he is dealing with and I am just collateral damage. So how does this work? When am I done forgiving? How much is too much to forgive? “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22