Relationships....

I am amazed at where I have been this past few months. I picture everyone in a room, sitting around talking about me. As if I am that important. It is really wasted time and energy to sit around and wonder about what other people are thinking. I have no control over it. That truly is the "wisdom to know the difference". I cannot control them. What they think about me, how they feel about me, what they believe to be true about me. I am feeling good these days. Really good. Happy and healthy. I am always surprised how easily I fall into the same patterns though. With Buzz. He's calling, calling, calling. And I always answer. But lately, I don't really feel like talking. I'm tired of jumping through hoops like a f*cking circus poodle. He said tonight, "What? Have you been reading Cosmo? 15 ways to get your man to pay attention?" I said to him, "You're not my man." Bitch, please. He keeps telling me I am lucky that he calls. Am I? F*ck. He is so much work! He says to me, "Who is over there? There are men there?" I'm thinking, "Baby, you keep me busy enough." He knows what I want. It's not surprise to him. He isn't in the dark. He knows my heart and exactly what to say to make me feel connected to him. He is working it. And I'm falling for it. So then, after a bottle of wine, I'm sitting here getting the usual sexts. All the men hanging around have got to get a word in and I give them a little bit back. My mom has always said, you can never have too many friends. I'm in charge. I'm the boss. I thought that today while I was staying late to finish billing and thinking this is why I'm not the assistant. I have got to get sh*t done. I let Buzz pretend to be in charge. He told me tonight, "Okay, I'll play along." Of course you will. Play along. I don't have the time or the energy to pretend and the fact that I will spend even an hour on the phone with you is proof enough that I can't be that big of b*tch you actually think I am. I probably am though. Oh well. I do take some regard to exactly the situation before I get involved, which makes me cautious about everything going down. If G was still at work, I would have probably been fired by now. I hate even knowing that he still has friends there, because I can only imagine what they are saying to him. I have already heard the rumors from his so called friends. I can put together about what he thinks about me. I got b*tches mean mugging me from across the restaurant. I get it. I wasn't born yesterday. I may be blonde but I do get what's going on. It is hard though still. I feel sad. I got on his myspace tonight and looked at shit, I definitely shouldn't look at now and probably should have known about then. Any man that can't take his b*tch off the myspace has got more going on then I can deal with. I should be taking lessons. I do consider myself to be a badass bitch, but when this one can even leash me, that is impressive. No wonder. I don't blame him. Never did, never will. Yes, I am angry that he ran me to hell and back. Wait... He ran me to hell and left me there to fend for myself. Not exactly the man of my dreams. I'm coming back though. With a vengeance.