Playing House

I was never his type. I pretended for a long time that it could work. But really all I was doing was playing house with him because Garrett and Tommy didn't want me. And all he was really doing was substituting this Jessica for the one he cant have. None of it fits. I went to his house last night. We are trying to be "friends". You know my thoughts on male/female friendships. There is always arterial motives. Someone wants more than the other. I have seen it a hundred times. The man hangs around the woman he's in love with hoping someday she will realize that she loves him too and they will live happily ever after, until she gets a boyfriend or he gets a real girlfriend. Ryan and I played house for over a year. We were always together, invited to parties together, family gatherings. People expected us to be together. We talked every day, stayed the night with each other, didn't make plans without consulting each other. We were boyfriend and girlfriend without the sex. (Except for the one time I drank too much during 24 and that time on Cinco De Mayo when I was supposed to be the designated driver and had too many tequila shots.) Until he got a real girlfriend. I was just the substitute until the right girl came along. He comes back every time she leaves him, three or four times now, I've lost count. And we pick up where we left off. So I know what it looks like, except this time I was the girlfriend and Jay-Z left me for the friend. I used to feel guilty for being so angry about their friendship, since that's what Amy and Ryan did to me. I could sympathize with her. I told him tonight that he's in love with her. I know that's why he's "confused" and "it's not fair to me". He's in love with another woman. And I'm not his type. It was fun for awhile, a challenge. But fantasies never last. Looking at his history, he's into borderline white trash, frumpy girls and I am the skin tight skirt, stiletto heels wearing big boobed blonde who talks too much and is into borderline bad boys, with full sleeve tattoos and an attitude that makes my friends and family slightly uncomfortable. It never would have worked.

Catch and Release

My sister said it couldn't be done. You cannot catch and release mice. But I don't want to hurt him. I want to usher him outside because I'm disgusted in a friendly non-threatening manner. So I got the sticky mouse traps and I put peanut butter on them like Julie said and I set them out around the house. I am watching Criminal Minds and I hear something in the kitchen so I run in to find my worthless hunting dog, who hid through the entire mouse discovery, caught in a sticky mouse pad. I pull it off her paw afraid as she cries. We go up to bed even though I am scared the mouse will decide to venture out of the kitchen and up the stairs into my room. I get up in the morning, like a child on Christmas, to check my mouse traps, still unsure what to do if there is one there. I hear him, he is stuck to the trap. Just his tail, the rest of him under the dishwasher. I gently tug on the mouse pad, trying not to rip his tail off and/or vomit. He is squealing away and I feel really bad. I am finally able to get him free and he is dangling from the pad by his tail. I haven't thought this through, so I run outside. He is crying and I'm talking to him like the dog. "Okay, sweet boy (I think he's a boy), just trying to get your tail free, calm body." It doesn't work, because after all he is a mouse but after a few minutes of careful tugging, I free his tail, run in the house, shut the door, and throw up (because it's gross). Then peek out the window and he's sitting outside cleaning himself. Jessica Waters, Catch and Release Mouse Hunter, it can be done.

She Don't Need a Man

Jay-Z said to me that I was too independent. He wanted to take care of someone and that I don't need that. It's true. I have been on my own for a long time. Taking care of my heart, my home, my career, my finances. I live a nice life, filled with blessings. I love my independence. I really do value being able to take care of myself. I watched my mom growing up and I watch my mom now, she was able to take care of everything alone. She still does. I place value in being able to succeed without a man. A confidence that I can stand alone and I will until the right man comes along. Men are constantly promising things. Boston told me he would fix the clutch in the Kia. Jay-Z told me he would clean that pot I burned. A friend told me he would fix the front door that lets in cold air. The promises are endless. And yet I fight the clutch every morning, I threw the pot away, and the house is still freezing. I am skeptical for a reason. So I baked cookies tonight. Then decided to make dinner as I reached for a pot a mouse ran from the stove and hid under the dishwasher. I screamed and leapt onto the kitchen table, where I proceeded to sit while exhausted every contact in my phone looking for help. Jay-Z, Boston, Andrew, Eli, no answer. I'm freaking out! Calling a man to rescue the woman completely in despair. Fifteen minutes later, with no responses, the panic began to cease and I called my mom. She walked me through the steps of catching a mouse. I climbed down off the kitchen table, terrified. I can hear it munching away on something and I want to vomit. I drove to Fred Meyer, bought some sticky mouse traps and set them up in the kitchen. I have no idea what I will do if I catch something. But I definitely know I can't count on any man to come to the rescue. So yes, I have learned to be independent because otherwise nothing would ever get done.

2011

Happy new year. I spent the new year with good friends, had a kiss at midnight, and spent the entire day in bed on new years day. Ringing in the new year was exactly as planned. Leaving behind the drama and exhaustion of 2010 and headed into 2011 with my head high and my slate clear. New year's resolutions. Every year we make a list of things we want to avoid/try/change for the new year. Let's see what I want for 2011.

○ To lose the weight I put on the past few months while hiding from the world, I have put back on the weight I lost after being kicked around in July. I spend $50.00 on healthy food at the store tonight. So far I feel like I’m starving.
○ I said to myself on new years eve as I drove away from one of the boys who hurt me last year that I would not pursue any man this year. I'm worth pursuing.
○ I also said to myself in the same breath that I would have a Buzz free, Jay-Z free, G3 free no year. Although the list goes on, those 3 really got to go.
○ I surrender to God's plan. The past two years I have been struggling on my own, following my plan. I give this year to Him. I am sure His way is better than mine.