Guilt

I'm struggling today with guilt. I feel guilty for not going to church Easter Sunday. I feel guilt that I don't feel like CR tonight or really ever. I feel like it's an obligation more than it's something I want to do. I have tried to pinpoint why I'm feeling this way. But then I feel like I am just making excuses. Like I am not putting church, service and recovery first. I'm not busy. I don't have plans. I'm not hanging out with dude. I am exhausted from working going on 17 days. My head is pounding which reminds me that I'm not getting any better. All of the medicine hasn't worked and I need to schedule surgery but the cost and the time off work makes me anxious. I feel frustrated because I feel like there will never be a day that I wake up and don't feel bad. I can't breathe, my head hurts, I'm fatigued. And I feel guilty for taking time out for me, like other people are judging me cause after work all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch How I Met Your Mother. I know it is just me putting judgement on me. And me feeling guilty because I am afraid to take care of myself. I feel guilty over leaving the dog alone too much of the day and worse when I come home from work let her out and then kennel her again to go to CR. I feel guilty for wanting to take my pain meds and guilty for needing to take them. I don't know anymore if I really don't feel well and I'm in pain or if I have just felt it for so long it feels normal. I guess I only notice when I starts to get so bad it's incapacitating me. I talk all day to other people. I am in the office at 9:00am, meeting others needs, dealing with issues with clients and staff right as I walk in the door, and usually before I walk in the door I am getting messages on my phone. I have to answer emails, sign paperwork, fix billing. We have so much busy work I don't feel like I even get to do my job. Walk ins. 3 pop in appointments today and a meeting with a 50th High School Reunion committee of 18. I met with them for an hour and fifteen. Then my computer froze for at least 30 minutes and then we don't have enough computers for all of our employees so my computer was occupied twice when I came in today. And then I have to spend an hour of my day correcting and reviewing work that wasn't done right. Then I had to spend an hour at my BEO mtg because we were interrupted at least 3-4 times. Then I went back to the office to deal with another issue and spent 40 minutes discussing that to have our GM tell me we will meet tomorrow and Monday to discuss further. So I guess the point of all of this is that I spent all day talking to other people. Listening to other people. Answering questions for other people. So at night, after I get home (late) to Mya. I want to take off my heels and nylons, put on my leggings, make dinner, walk the dog, and curl up on the couch for a few before getting in bed with my Bible. I was thinking maybe I needed to go tonight because clearly I'm having issues. But I guess writing about it did help, because I realize that I'm not going because I don't care about my recovery. I'm not going because I do.

Pace yourself

I'm disappointed. Confused. I don't understand him. I am mad and frustrated that things aren't going according to how I think they should even though I know that He sees the bigger picture. I'm annoyed that things aren't moving faster but at the same time it's probably a good thing things aren't moving faster. I'm not exactly a pillar of self control. "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." - Romans 7:18 - Maybe all of his slow pace is really His slow pace, because when presented with the opportunity to do wrong I usually do. Actually that is not true anymore, since meeting Jesus I only do the wrong thing 80% of the time instead of 100%. Sometimes that percentage may be higher or lower but I am a work in progress. So I'm re-learning all of this relationship business. I just wish it was easier. As my friend Katy Perry would say, "You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no."

Friday Night

I'm annoyed with myself. The chaos of my life overwhelms sometimes. I lock the doors and hide in the house with the shades down. Luckily as I've aged my vices have mellowed. These days all I do is clean the house and bake. Go for a walk with Mya. Thank the Lord I made it through everything I've made it through, minimally harmed and in one piece. Although that's debatable. So it's Friday night, I hit happy hour with my sister and had a couple cocktails. Left a couple hours later with a buzz and a desire to karaoke. I had a missed call from Boston. I'm fairly certain it was a pitty call since I gave him shit all day about not returning my call Wednesday night. He blew it off without saying sorry or explaining. It pissed me off. But I was still happy to see he called and I called him back. But he's with a "friend". When Buzz was with a "friend", he was usually f*cking said friend and I'm certain when I'm not getting any someone else is. Then again, that situation was f*cked up. He says he will call right back and it's been two hours. It's almost ten and I doubt I will hear from him tonight. I'm annoyed even though it hasn't happened but because I anticipate it to be true. If he proves me wrong, I don't know what I will do. Holy issues. Six years ago I would have solved loneliness and anxiety with drugs or men. Friday night, April 15, 2011 I am doing a load of laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and watching Will&Grace. And I couldn't be happier.

Chaos and Feelings

I live my life in chaos. My work is chaos. From the moment I walk in the door everyone is telling me things about work, about life, about relationships, you name it, I hear it. And not just from coworkers and management, but my clients. I feel like I have to call them clients now that I no longer work in weddings. Business executives and chair people. Not brides. Clients. I'm so professional. Or I sound like a high priced hooker. Wearing 4 inch stilettos, meeting with clients, and giving property tours at an airport hotel... I might as well be a high priced hooker. And I'm not that high priced... Wait... I'm definitely underpaid. But I signed on to do the job that I'm paid for and while I'm good at it, Boston told me today that my ego was getting to big for the conference table. I can't help it I'm so fantastic but I pray the Lord makes me humble because I struggled a long time in this position to get where I am. I am thankful everyday for my work. I'm proud of myself for making such positive changes over the past few months. And as that damn boy whos always on my mind would say, enough with the cheesefest. Something keeps telling me to give him a chance. I keep wanting to throw in the towl. I wear patience on my wrist but everytime our fax machine fails I want to throw it out the window in my office into the lobby in front of hotel guests. I wouldn't even feel bad about it. So I pray for patience everyday and everyday He gives me opportunities to be patient. One of these days I will get the hang of it. So back to Boston. Turns out, I adore him. He makes me crazy. Wanting to take things so slow. He's all mysterious and sexy with his East coast accent and values. I find myself having to look away cause he's so cute I am afraid I will blush, lose my cool, embarass myself, look stupid, a and b, or all of the above. He catches me off guard with things he says, tells me I'm beautiful, I smell perfect, he flirts with me, calls me Princess, and still I can't get him to ask me out more than once a month. And somehow I caught feelings. F*cking feelings. Now what am I supposed to do. I don't think they have a Rx for this.

I'm just a girl with a crush on you

I am confused. More confused now. He was right, feelings confuse things. All this time these past few months I have been learning to get in touch with my feelings, learning to feel my feelings. My feelings tell me I like him. But my broken heart keeps me from him. Step study ended and I am feeling a little lost. I don’t know what is next. I’m afraid to make a move. So I’m stuck I guess, which is never a good place to be. I have been so sick this week too. I haven’t slept all week, I’ve looked like shit every day at work. I’m bloated. Not to mention the headache, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m so uncomfortable. I’m exhausted. And to top it off, I’m hot. Like really hot. So after three days off, I saw him at work today. He gives me butterflies. Freaking butterflies. I’m 26 years old for f*cks sake. This is bullshit. Butterflies are bullshit. Every day I have to see him I think to myself it’s fine, you are fabulous. Then he comes around and I’m like a 14 year old girl during 7 minutes in Heaven. Giggle. I’ve never actually played 7 minutes in Heaven but I imagine there is a lot of giggling and avoiding eye contact. I find myself avoiding eye contact as if I’m afraid he will look too deep and see everything I try to hide. I’m scared of liking him too much, making a fool of myself, scaring him away, being my crazy self. Trust me, there are a number of things that can go wrong anytime I open my mouth. JO and I were talking last night while I shopped at Target and waiting for a Rx. I got a new hot pink Bluetooth and while I swore I would never be one of those people who talked on it in stores, I now am. It’s so convenient. Joce and I caught up with the latest gossip while I browsed the Clearance rack. And some gossip it was. Joce told me and I said, “Oh my gosh, I thought you were going to tell me she was pregnant, but this is WAY better!”. My new Bluetooth allows me to hang out with my BFF like we are chatting on the front swing at the Chi O house. And while I may be confused about everything else in life and love, I know that tomorrow afternoon I am loading up the car and heading North for less than 24 hours just so I can get some face time with my girl. I cannot wait until all us bitches are hitting Seattle together tomorrow night. At least for one night I can take my mind off the chaos that clouds my life.