Guilt

I'm struggling today with guilt. I feel guilty for not going to church Easter Sunday. I feel guilt that I don't feel like CR tonight or really ever. I feel like it's an obligation more than it's something I want to do. I have tried to pinpoint why I'm feeling this way. But then I feel like I am just making excuses. Like I am not putting church, service and recovery first. I'm not busy. I don't have plans. I'm not hanging out with dude. I am exhausted from working going on 17 days. My head is pounding which reminds me that I'm not getting any better. All of the medicine hasn't worked and I need to schedule surgery but the cost and the time off work makes me anxious. I feel frustrated because I feel like there will never be a day that I wake up and don't feel bad. I can't breathe, my head hurts, I'm fatigued. And I feel guilty for taking time out for me, like other people are judging me cause after work all I want to do is lay on the couch and watch How I Met Your Mother. I know it is just me putting judgement on me. And me feeling guilty because I am afraid to take care of myself. I feel guilty over leaving the dog alone too much of the day and worse when I come home from work let her out and then kennel her again to go to CR. I feel guilty for wanting to take my pain meds and guilty for needing to take them. I don't know anymore if I really don't feel well and I'm in pain or if I have just felt it for so long it feels normal. I guess I only notice when I starts to get so bad it's incapacitating me. I talk all day to other people. I am in the office at 9:00am, meeting others needs, dealing with issues with clients and staff right as I walk in the door, and usually before I walk in the door I am getting messages on my phone. I have to answer emails, sign paperwork, fix billing. We have so much busy work I don't feel like I even get to do my job. Walk ins. 3 pop in appointments today and a meeting with a 50th High School Reunion committee of 18. I met with them for an hour and fifteen. Then my computer froze for at least 30 minutes and then we don't have enough computers for all of our employees so my computer was occupied twice when I came in today. And then I have to spend an hour of my day correcting and reviewing work that wasn't done right. Then I had to spend an hour at my BEO mtg because we were interrupted at least 3-4 times. Then I went back to the office to deal with another issue and spent 40 minutes discussing that to have our GM tell me we will meet tomorrow and Monday to discuss further. So I guess the point of all of this is that I spent all day talking to other people. Listening to other people. Answering questions for other people. So at night, after I get home (late) to Mya. I want to take off my heels and nylons, put on my leggings, make dinner, walk the dog, and curl up on the couch for a few before getting in bed with my Bible. I was thinking maybe I needed to go tonight because clearly I'm having issues. But I guess writing about it did help, because I realize that I'm not going because I don't care about my recovery. I'm not going because I do.