Living the good life

What to do when life is exhausting? Life seems to be flying by without any since of reason or control and someone like me is bound to have trouble with that. Just living and processing everything that is thrown at me daily is outrageous. I work really hard and I am constantly busy. Everyone wants something from me and needs to talk about something. I do love it. I love my job and I don't hate getting up for work every morning. I grumble a bit, but I am very grateful for my position. I think it is threatening though. A woman who knows what she is doing, what she wants, how to take care of herself. I've come so far this past year and I am truly no longer afraid to be alone. It doesn't cause panic to think about sitting at home on Friday night. In fact, I secretly look forward to it. I love doing my own thing. Planning to be out of town, doing all sorts of fun stuff, living life and just enjoying friends and family. The older I get the more sure I become of what I want and what I'm looking for and I am really not in any rush. I have a good life.

"There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe
Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl
Don't like the backseat, gotta be first"

I live my life in a circus. At least it feels like that sometimes. Everything in chaos. Time flying by. Elephants and clowns wandering around. Okay, I made that last part up. But there are definitely some freaks around me. I love my life. Everyday. Everyday I thank the Lord for another day with my family, my friends, shelter, food, a job. We have a good life here, Mya and I.

"All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus
When I crack that whip, everybody gon' trip just like a circus"

I feel like everyone's eyes are on me. Watching, waiting for me to make a mistake. As if I'm that important. I have been trying to be perfect for everyone but me.

"There's only two types of guys out there
Ones that can hang with me and ones that are scared
So baby, I hope that you came prepared
I run a tight ship so beware
I'm a like the ringleader, I call the shots
I'm like a firecracker, I make it hot"

I don't know why I have been so worried to be alone again. Not thinking about anyone but me. I went out tonight and it felt good to laugh and talk with friends. Not worry about anything but how I feel, what I want, what I need. This part I'm actually good at. Being single. And living in this circus.

"She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart"

"While he's drinking Jack all alone at the local bar, and we don't know how, how we got into this mad situation, only do things out of frustration, trying to work it out but man these times are hard"

I haven't felt heartache like this in a long time. Probably since Tommy Loewen. Even with Buzz. Probably too messed up back then to feel much of anything. I guess it's better to process the hurt now rather than have it creep up on me later in life. I feel like I can't stop crying. The fax machine jams and it's cause for tears. Needless to say, a little office gossip and I'm blubbering like a whale. How embarassing Jessica. I guess at least most of it is in private. But I feel like my composure is starting to falter. And like I am walking a tight rope between sane and nutty. At least back in college I had the support of my sisters. My little, Jill, to make a bed for me on the porch because I was too devestated to do it myself. Snuggling into bed with my Twin, Rachel, since we pushed our beds together. I was allowed to cry and be angry and shit talk all night until I felt better. I could be hysterical and then run out the front door and into Jocelyn's bed across the street where we would eat mac n cheese and watch TV all night. Now I'm still required to get up and go to work, as my heart sickness does not qualify for a vacation day. So even though I threw up at work after seeing him and felt like I would burst into tears at any given moment, I have to smile and sell ballroom space. I have had a lot of practice and luckily my sales do not miss a beat, instead it's a lovely distraction. I would give anything to go back to the Chi O house where it was socially acceptable to skip class, eat ice cream, and lay in the TV room all day in your pjs, shower at 7pm and be ready for Tailgaters at 9pm for a week straight or at least until I could function like a normal human being again. Instead, I'm all laid up in bed with a broken heart... in the evening, but 9 to 5 I'm living in the real world. And he says don't be so upset. Or he text it rather. Well that's easier said than done when I feel like a less awesome, crybaby version of my former self.

Stilettos

I feel restless. Out of control of the situation and it bothers me. Lack of faith I guess is what that is. I guess sometimes it feels hard to believe in anything and anyone when I just keep getting hurt. Dionne said that if you don't keep your heart open then you will never let anyone in. Or something like that. Ugh. I'm even annoyed with myself. I feel sometimes like noone really understands me and that it's going to take someone really amazing to give me what I need. Everytime I try to be honest people scatter. Like the very thought of being with me is terrifying. Boston said, "I tried to correct this once. But you have a way." An old friend from college said something similar to me a couple weeks ago. But more to the effect of how he would never say no to me, even though he's tying the knot in a few months. So I guess maybe it's me. But this is just me. I'm not trying to impress anyone. I know I have a strong personality and that I have the tendency to intimidate, or so I've heard. I once went to a party as a 5th year senior at OSU and this guy I used to be best friends with until an awful falling out noticed me in 30 seconds or less and left. I have never seen him again.

So to make a long story short and funny. Similar to how nice guys finish last. Bitches in stilettos same thing. I had an image in mind for this of a chick in stilettos crushing men like Pam Anderson in that Lit video "Miserable". But I found instead this image, attached to an article about a woman who stabbed her boyfriend in the eye with her stiletto. Yes, like Machete.

"And the moral of the story is…don’t talk sh*t to broads and drive. These shoenistas are kickin’ cats’ faces off. From now on, we only f*ck with chicks in flip flops. Word. " - http://bossip.com/273226/woman-rams-stiletto-into-boyfriends-brain-73373/

Cry me a River

My heart is broken. That much I know and feel. I fell asleep crying and I woke up crying. I went for sanctuary this morning knowing that with God was where I needed to be and knowing that I could be safe at church all day free to sob rivers of tears without judgement. I have heard that He never wastes a hurt and that He does not want us to be alone. So after spending all day with the Lord, praying and thinking about things, I realize that I am actually handling myself very well. I prayed last night that Jesus would come close and hold my heart. My prayers have been answered and even though I am hurting, the tears have stopped. I believe in His plan and His truth.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13.

I know that I don't understand and that it is not my place to. I don't understand really what Boston has to be upset about or why he won't talk to me. But I understand that we are all human and he has every right to feel how he wants. So Dionne says to focus on my part. I said I'm not sure what my part was. We decided on two points, first that I voice my feelings here rather than speaking with him directly, second that I allowed the conversation to continue via text even though it wasn't safe for me. I want to call him. Or text him. But I know I cannot force him to talk to me and I'm sure I need more time to think and to process what the hell even happened.

"in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends"

I can't stop crying. I was dressed to go to Blitz with the crew but mascara stream down my face and puffy red eyes are not exactly the sexy look I'm going for. I yelled at Julieho a couple years ago and said, "So what you are sad, cry into a pint of ice cream and a bottle of vodka, under no circumstances do you cry in another man's junk." My natural instinct when my pride has been hurt, my heart broken, is to run. Find anything and everything to take the edge off and make the pain stop. I feel so silly for thinking things were different this time. I feel foolish for thinking he felt the same way. I feel used, once again only wanted and needed for sex but I guess at least he had the decency not to have sex with me. I don't know what I would have preferred. My heart hurts and there is a knot in my throat and he won't talk to me. I hate being ignored and I hate stupid fucking boys that text. You see me daily, talk to me. I just feel so ridiculous. My head is pounding and every destructive thought possible is running through my head. I want to wreak havoc. Yell and scream. Find someone anyone to hold my heart for the night. I wish I had calmed down sooner. I just don't believe that he doesn't feel the same way. So why hurt me?

"One tear in the dropping rain,
One voice in a sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Would You come close and hold my heart."