Brain Ninja

I had a conversation with Amber on Sunday and she said she can’t tell anymore which guys are bad and which ones are good. It’s all so confusing. Dating is hard. I have no idea what I am doing most days. I can’t tell the bad dudes from the good anymore and lately I doubt if there are good ones hanging around somewhere to find. I feel bored with everyday relationship interactions. I want something more. I want the excitement. The fun, can’t wait to see you, smile when I get a text, giggle when you flirt with me, school girl crush infatuation. Does it go away now that we are adults? I still don’t feel like I am an adult sometimes. I always thought my parents had it so together, but now I’m beginning to think we are all just trying to figure life out. It seems the more life I live the more skeptical I become. I’m afraid sometimes that being a realist is starting to make me cynical. And bitter? No, I don’t think bitter. I enjoy being single. I don’t hate men, I enjoy their company when I want to. I guess it is just hard when all of the battle wounds start to scar your heart like armor and you don’t really feel anymore. And I have more feelings then most. I am happy to say that I feel emotion with an amazing, passionate, intensity. But lately it’s just gone. I enjoy hanging out with G. I like to think sometimes about a future. I guess I am afraid after being let down so many times. Boston did a number on my heart and my head. As my friend, Dane Cook, would say, he is like a brain ninja. He plants bombs in my mind that go off and make me nutty. I really liked him. And he really hurt me. I have tried so many times and so many ways to reach him, but every effort failed. I honestly believed with my whole heart that he was one of the good ones. One of the ones that would never ever heart me, intentionally or not. But he had, repeatedly. I don’t want to think ahead about a future or feel giddy about the now. I feel so afraid it will all be taken away from me again without warning. Leaving me to wonder one year, five month, or seven hours later what I did wrong to him. I have tried everything to apologize for who I was then, who I am now, my behaviors, thoughts, actions, relations. I tried to take responsibility for myself and what I have done to participate in this. I guess enough is just enough.

Just in case you think this is bogus, check out the definition.

brain ninja

A person with the ability to insert thoughts or ideas into another's head that does not cause immediate, but rather long term lingering mental anguish, usually having comedic value.