It sucks to realize that through all of the BS over the past year + that I still would jump at the chance just to be with him. I would take back the mistakes of the past and choose him first. The wedding would never be "our first date". I wouldn't drink so much. I wouldn't talk so much. I don't understand what happened that made things turn out so terribly wrong. But, even if it hurts I can't change the past. I have tried and failed. So now I just allow those past mistakes to be in the past because my God believes in forgiveness. I never promised any of those silly boys that I was anything less than the crazy beautiful woman that I am. That is usually what draws them in. But underneath it all I'm complicated and it takes someone special to be able to tame me. And unfortunately for me he married another women this summer. I thought that Boston was one of the good men. I was distracted by his charming good looks and his accent. I still find myself unable to look him in the eyes. I'm not sure what I'm afraid he may see as he has taken the time to get to know me very well nothing inside there should be much of a surprise. I miss him but he makes me crazy. Not a good combination. I used to wear hats in college and in the years after when I was ashamed of something I had done. I thought the could hide my face and keep people from getting a good look in my eyes. I'm not sure even a kentucky derby size hat would even allow me to hide from all of the skeletons in that closet with Boston. Sucks to realize that he is really the only one I ever wanted all these other boys just pass the time. And timing my friends... is everything.
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