Love stinks. Even when it's going right we want more. I don't remember the exact moment I realized I loved G. He surprised me this time around with his patience and forgiveness. He handles me well. I know nothing about him. He doesn't talk about work or family. He doesn't talk about his ex or his past. We make conversation sometimes. I don't know how you fall in love or why. I just remember driving home from his house one morning smiling and thinking of him. Thinking I loved him. Who knew? He's a good man though. He learns well. Amber told me once that you have to teach people how to love you. I have been trying to communicate with him. This is what I need. He can pick up on some things but ultimately boys are not that perceptive. Then there's Harry, he's trying so hard and I feel terrible that it's too much for me. Realizing how deep I had fallen in with G, I now feel unprepared and way too vulnerable to the dating scene. I just wish he would chill, he's on the fast track for a relationship and we don't even know each other. And then there is Boston. Grumpy and jealous when my gay boyfriend, Andrew, tells him a story about being at Gs house. Boston then proceeded to tell me about a date he took to Buffalo Wild Wings. I wasn't listening I was trying not to giggle like a school girl and throw myself at him to make out in front of 150 red hatters. Maybe I was never ready in the first place to try things again with G. He was right, I probably was/am still hung up on Boston. G replaced him as the back up plan and Boston became the one that got away. Until I fell in love with G. Yeah, I'm still hung up on what Boston did to me. It sucked. It made me feel foolish and insecure. Vulnerable. Embarrassed. I tried 100 ways and 100 times to say sorry and beg for another chance. He said nothing. I showed up drunk one time at his house. I was made that he was talking about me with the other boys at work. Which then put me in a situation to be forcably made out with by one of our coworkers. Yeah. Awkward. I planned it going way different in my mind but my words come out wrong when he's looking to intently at me. He said nothing. Didn't even defend himself or deny the charges. So while it makes me happy that he showed jealousy on Saturday I have to continuely remind myself that he does this every time. He thinks he likes me, gets to close, and runs off scared. Tried and true every time. I absolutely do not trust him to not hurt me again so G is a better choice, even with his inability to commit. Ultimately I'm still at home alone thinking about the same things. Love stinks.

Life is a highway, I want to ride it all night long

Man, my life is messed up. I sometimes wonder if shit like this happens to other people. Today, woke up around 9 for a doctors appointment at 10:30. Showed up at 10:30am. Waited til 11:05 then told the receptionist I needed to leave for work at 11:15. She told me I should allow for an hour at the doctor, I said I don't understand why I need to allow for an hour if I made an appointment at 10:30? The nurse called me back to check my blood pressure and it was high. Of course it's high, I'm pissed off for waiting 40 minutes and I'm going to be late for work. I arrive on property right on time at 11:30. We have a big event tomorrow with a guest that I don't even know how to describe. She is a bitch. In a good way. I like her, she tells it like it is, but how it is isn't the 50s anymore. It's 2011, a $1000 event and 10 room nights is not big business. I don't even spend as much time with my huge groups that fill the hotel and take all the meeting space. The Moose are way less of a pain in my ass. Then bitchy office politics. FML. I can't stand power trips, everyone I work with is usually on a powertrip. Except my precious Xtina. I have enough to deal with on a daily basis then stroking egos and following rules. If its not hurting the company and/or seriously distrupting anyone's work environment, who f*cking cares. I follow rules don't get me wrong. I just don't appreciate being controlled. What purpose does it serve to break people down? So I got over it. Finish the day avoiding eye contact with Boston in an always awkward work exchange. I'm afraid to look in his eyes for fear of fainting, catching more feelings, showing vulnerablity, all of the above. I run home to change and then head back unpaid to visit with my clients and save face. I'm uncomfortable and out of my element. I run up to my office and flirt with the cute boy at the front desk. Head back to the ballroom and try on hats with our restaurant assistant manager. I'm leaving after an hour and a half of shmoozing and run into Holly in the parking lot. Kennedy school? Why not? I'm mad that Holly invites another friend cause I hate being the third wheel. After a shot of Jameson I don't really care. Jessy pops out of the woodwork with a cute guy and we proceed to gush over not seeing each other since July. Random. G is texting me we have plans tomorrow. I head home after being ditched by my companions to find my way back to the car that's parked three miles away. New text. Harry. Hey babe, up for a chat? No, I'm not up for a chat. Tired, grumpy, half drunk. I want to watch Nikita and lay on the couch. New text. My neighbor. Me and the fam would love to have you over. My daughter loves dogs. No joke. I received those messages. In response to a conversation we had a week ago today after he awkwardly told me "we should hang out". I think he may be trying to invite me into some creepy threesome. It's 12:08 and I have to live this life again tomorrow. Better get to bed.

Broke Girls

I'm overwhelmed lately. By work. By guys. By family. By bills. Life seems to get more stressful everyday. I realized this watching 2 Broke Girls tonight. That's my life. I don't wait tables but it's the same type of abuse. Customer service. I was busy all day. I woke up late. 45 minutes late to work. Only there 15 minutes and I was with a client for an hour. He talked for an hour. About cars. Talk about my worst nightmare. I wasn't even sure why he stopped by. About 35 minutes in I asked him if he wanted to sign a contract. He was like sure. I think maybe he stopped by just for shits and giggles. It then took me another 20 minutes to get rid of him. I started to answer emails but I had a stack of issues to deal with first thing. How obnoxious. Billing mistakes, client complaints. People complain about everything. I got up to go pee and ran into a client in the lobby who wanted another hour or so of my time. Realistically his party does not fit in the space and I have no idea why he wants to book with me so bad. Then another super long conversation in the lobby about the army versus the airforce. I did the same tour and bull shit with him on Friday last week. This was just the extended version and he wants to come again this week. I really want to book the event. I like him. I don't actually mind bsing with him. I get back to the office and it's 1:30. I haven't even started my report and I'm starving so I eat some crackers at my desk. I took a short break for a diet coke and to heat my mac and cheese then chained myself back to the desk til 7. I work my ass off, deal with other people's time frames, attitude problems, issues, and somehow I still ended up sitting in front of my online banking trying to allocate my last few dollars to bills and realizing I don't have enough to pay them all. So then I have to prioritize which ones to pay and that's power I don't like to have. I have no idea what to do. 2 Broke Girls tonight they were avoiding their bills and not answering the phone. It's funny cause it's true. All of us broke bitches are glued to our Comcast til they shut it off, laughing because we spent too much in Vegas, paid too much for shoes, hit Ross one too many times this pay period to pay all the bills this month. And honestly what's a girl to do? It's tough enough just being a girl in the world. It's worse to be a broke girl in the world.

Commitment Phobia

I have said this before and I will say it proudly again. Boys are dumb. Yes, boys. From this moment on I only date men. Men own alarm clocks. Men work normal hours. Men sleep on a mattress that's not on the floor. Men ask for dates. Men call to make sure you got home okay. Men open the door for you. Men pull out the chair for you. Men live alone in homes with framed photos hung on the walls and matching furniture. Men know what they want. Men aren't afraid of commitment. I read an article just recently explaining this perfectly. I'm not just talking about a commitment to a romantic relationship. I'm talking about a commitment to things, like houses, jobs, reservations. When men hear women want a commitment, they think it means a commitment to a romantic relationship and it's not that at all. It's a commitment to life, to not floating around, wasting time, playing house. I want a man who has a life. Someone who does normal life things, like cook dinner, watch How I Met Your Mother or CSI, go to bed before 2 am and get up for work prior to noon. A man calls to ask for a date Saturday night, says he can't wait to see me and schedules a date for Tuesday night. I'm sick and tired of boys who can't commit to a phone call, let alone commit to scheduling me ahead of time. I went on a date last night with a man. A man who walked me to my car, paid for my drink, held the door, called to make sure I got home safely, then called today to say he had a wonderful time and confirm our date Tuesday. I'm a little afraid to be honest, I haven't really ever dated a man. But I know that I'm on the right track.

Clean Slate

I can't sleep tonight or last night. Boys are dumb. The phone is taunting me everytime it doesn't vibrate with a new text message. FYI, I keep my phone on silent all the time. I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to talk after work. People are exhausting. Asking questions, wanting to chit chat, calling two/three times a day or emailing four/five. That and only creditors ever call anyway. Work or creditors. Story of my life. I get annoyed by people stopping in without an appointment, or coming in an hour late to meet me, or calling 5 minutes before arriving on property to ask if I can have lunch in 5 minutes making it 11:30am. I wouldn't mind lunch with a guest normally but this lady has been in my restaurant asking to lunch with me at least once if not twice a week. Everyone wants a piece of my time. Our General Manager today called me to say hi from his office to my office. No joke. Then popped in when I had the door open and scared the hell out of me and still had no purpose in my office. Then dealing with the boy drama while trying to put out fires, do reports, meet clients, make money, write proposals, attend meetings, do projects for my boss, makes life unbearable. Checking my phone, feeling sorry for myself, questioning my decision, his affection. I told Xtina today I didn't want to talk about it and I meant it. I literally want to never speak of it again. I am so tired of the same old same old. Same guys causing the same problems. All of them have had more than enough of my precious time. I got dudes texting all day and night I don't even respond sometimes, trying not to encourage it. I'm so fed up with the same bs behaviors. I got a text that said I want you lots. For real. Can I please run right over? Pretty please. Give me a break. Figure it out boys. Show me you are different and you mean what you say cause all that talk will not work anymore. Girlfriend is tired and in desperate need of a clean slate.