Silence

First, I want to change how I write. I am thankful for a safe place to call home. I am thankful for a shower. I am thankful for my sisters. I am thankful for Lindsey. I am thankful for Dionne. I am thankful for the church and the women there who recognize my worth everyday rather than just my “good” days. I do not want eveyuthing I write to be negative or angry but when we are stuck in a shitty situation more often then not that is what happens. I wrote this next passage last night. Ignoring and silence is a trigger for me. I do not, have not, will not, ever respond well to this. It is mean and hurtful. No response, no response, no response. I must say I am powerless to control the anger that has overtaken me. I am powerless to control the emotion, the rage and the sadness I feel. And here we are again. I must tell you that this is one of the douchiest things ever done to me by a man. I guess I’m not surprised. I have wrote before about the scorpion and the frog and this is his nature. I know him better than he thinks. I know this is what he does. He leaves. He ignores. He runs. I know he would make a conscious choice to hurt me like this and I’m not even a little bit surprised. We have done all this before. Same shit different day. Silence as a weapon is one of the nastiest forms of abuse. And that’s all it is. Abuse. What he does to me is abuse. And I continue to allow it. So I guess what I have realized is that I am the one that needs to change. I’m guess he thinks things will be fine. He will call in another month or so with the I miss you and blah blah blah excuses like usual. But I am the one that has to put an end to it. And it’s easier said then done. But I have faith that He will make this right. Even with all the mistakes I have made. “For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11.

Well hell...

Well hell. When I sat down to write this that was literally the first thing that came to mind. So I guess it's a good jumping off point. I think a lot. About everything. Why we exist? Why is there Earth if we could all just be in Heaven? Where is this life going? Am I going to be able to pay the bills if I lose my job? These things cross my mind. Plus silly simple things, what will I wear tomorrow? Does he think about me? What will I do after work? I sometimes feel like I am never at rest. I know that I am not supposed to understand it so everyday I practice faith and patience that He knows exactly what I need and will provide it in His time. "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." Hebrews 11:1. Ever since I was little I would worry. My grandma passed recently and my sister's brought me her worry beads. Since college when I get really stressed I don't sleep. Or I fall asleep and wake up. Toss and turn. I know when I am not sleeping because Mya takes to her own bed. I don't blame her. I am annoyed with me too. Life is so short I wonder why we waste so much time being angry with each other. I wonder why we shut people out who love us and push people away when they want to be close to us. I wonder why we play games. I wonder if all I will ever do is work to live. I feel like that girl who just talks about the same boy forever and never does anything about it. I don't even want to hear about it anymore, I can only imagine what my friends think. So instead I think I will just focus on me. I can't control him. I can only control my behaviors and actions. So why not just enjoy life? I intend to.

Breaking in thirds

So yes I have abandonment issues. Somewhere sometime in my life left me. And as a result I fear abandonment. That is a huge breakthrough I guess. To say that to the world. Maybe it was my dad leaving when I was three as my mom tells me because I cried a lot as a baby. My mom and dad have never left, they have always been here. Physically. But enough about my childhood. I guess I shouldn’t say that, because that’s why the issues of abandonment creep up on me now. Because I stuff that fear down inside. And then stuff more pain on that fear and more fears on that pain and then here I am, 27 going on 28 sitting at home alone with mascara streaming down my face. All because I am afraid he will leave. And what is worse, I don’t care that much. That’s not what I mean. I care about him. I care about him more than any other man. I love his son. I love him. It is not ideal and yet he is the only one I want to be with on any given day. I am comfortable with him. I can be myself with him. He is the realest thing in my life. We have been through the worst parts of life together. I know I could be without him. I have done it before. Someone else would come along, maybe someone more right. Maybe someone “better”. But I don’t want better I want him. So I don’t know what it is then. I don’t mind being alone. I have no problem finding sex if I want it. I have friends and a life. So why am I afraid to lose him? I feel panic at the thought. Maybe it’s ATV. I love that boy like my own. I told a story to Amber yesterday about taking him on a play date a few weeks ago then we stopped to get ice cream. I was chatting with my mom and Jen on the phone while driving home, ATV in the back seat with his vanilla cone. I hear him say, “This is ridiculous.” I ask him what is? “My ice cream is melting all over the place.” He says frustrated. I tell mom and Jen I have to go because we have a ridiculous situation. I take his cone, slobbered all over and dripping down the sides. I licked it all over, then gave it back to him. “That’s love” I told Amber yesterday. It’s like my heart not just breaking, but breaking in thirds. I think maybe I am afraid to be so close. It’s easier now to leave then 6 months from now. Maybe it will feel better if I do it first. I feel like relationships are ultimately bound to fail. I think God keeps some people single though because they are stronger to be alone. Maybe not ready yet or have other work to complete first. I don’t know but I know that He knows and that is comforting. Still my heart hurts tonight. I drove around for an hour after work crying and trying to get ahold of G. I don’t understand why someone I could love so much would want to hurt me. But I have to realize it’s not always about me. . “ People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; Forgive them anyway. - Mother Teresa “ And G is just human. This is some heavy shit he is dealing with and I am just collateral damage. So how does this work? When am I done forgiving? How much is too much to forgive? “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.” Matthew 18:21-22

Past, present, future

I wrote this a few weeks ago – but I realized I don’t write as much when I am happy. I realized yesterday that I don’t love him anymore. I won’t love someone who would do that to me. Abandon me without even a word. What an asshole. I have had some douchy things done to me by men and this was the #1 worst thing a man has done to me. Not to mention everything he did leading up to just walking out. But I think I have recovered nicely. I am happy with G. He has changed for the better and I find myself falling for him the same way I did all those years ago. I am content to be with him. When I am with him I don’t want to be anywhere else. I could see him all the time and then I realize I’m being a big girl. Oh shit, I think I caught feelings.

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” Matthew 5:44. Everyone looked to me like I would fall apart. My boyfriend had just left me with his father, my assistant quit, I had nowhere to live. But here it is almost two months later. And I am still alive.