Happily Single

I break down my writing by relationship. I have a section for each of the significant men in my past and a section dedicated to the hopelessly single. While decorating the Christmas tree tonight and planning for the holiday party I decided I'm going to host, I realized I'm not hopelessly single. I'm happily single. I believe that there is someone out there for me and I will happily wait until I get it right. It so easy to take freedom for granted. I always know what I'm doing, what I'm thinking, what I'm feeling. No games to be played or texts to be ignored. You don't want me and I just realized I don't really want you. Any of you. I have tried so long and so hard to be the perfect girl. The perfect prospective girlfriend. All the while not realizing, I already am. I am perfect for someone. Someone who will understand me and what I need. Someone who wants to be there. Who answers the phone, returns the text, and engages in conversation like a man. Someone who gives me the grace I need and realizes I'm not perfect, but I am a beautiful work in progress. I have a good life. I have been blessed with a wonderful family, a beautiful home, a decent job, a happy dog, amazing friends, and so much more. I let the views of few, affect the views of many. And more importantly the views of one. I was made this way for a reason. Built to be the woman I am, who only gets better every day that passes. I'm done wasting time. It's never too late to be brand new, to put everything else in the past and leave it there. Who I am is not what I've done. No longer do these chapters control my head and my heart. I don't want someone who doesn't want me. You wanted freedom and so do I. Freedom to be who I am. Freedom to do what I want. What inspires me. What fulfills me and satisfies me. It's exciting to realize that we don't have to be bound to the mistakes of our past. Enough is enough. This happily single girl is not alone, but finally free.

Lost and alone...again?

I can't quite wrap my mind around it. I am sad and confused. Hurt. Things are never perfect in a relationship, but I didn't realize anything was wrong. I felt safe and comfortable. Like after all this time of trying to be someone else. I could finally be myself. So it hurts to think that maybe that's the problem. Everything happened so suddenly. We went from one great night on Halloween to this. Like everything we had been building all added up to nothing worth hanging on to. Everything I had been building I guess. Trust and respect is earned and developed. I respected you. I thought you were a good man and after one failed relationship to the next over the past year. I finally felt like I had found someone that I could have a future with. I saw us getting that house you talk about with the yard for the dogs. And you cooking in that kitchen you want. Maybe with a bar so I can sit on a stool and watch. I was fascinated by you. Such a good man, like nothing I have ever known. Patient and kind. Now it all seems so silly. Like a waste of a broken heart. I feel discouraged. In what seemed like in just an instant everything changed. And I am mad. I deserved more than just a text. And even the text I had to fight for. Did you just think you could never talk to me again and I wouldn't notice or care? Something happened that you won't tell me about and I am angry because of that. Maybe I wasn't as invested as I should have been. My heart is guarded and with reason after what I have been through the past year. In an instant you violated my heart. Took away from me everything that felt safe. I feel abandoned and cast aside. It seems easy for you. And it probably is. I have few friends up here. Neighbors I can't stand. Your life has probably barely missed a beat. In that instant I lost a friend and confidant. I guess you can't break a broken heart, but still I'm devastated. You used to make me feel beautiful. Every day, I felt lucky. Now all I think about is what I did or said. Maybe I'm not pretty enough, or funny enough, or social enough. But I thought I was enough for you. It hurts that I don't know how to be something that you miss. I'm just me. And for the past few years, being just me hasn't been enough for anyone. I am disheartened that I let you in when I didn't want to only to have that trust and respect disregarded with so little care. Not even a phone call or a quick stop to talk. Nothing. I wasn't worth anymore of your time. I'm tired of being disappointed by men. I'm embarrassed that I was obviously more invested than you and so easily abandoned. My feelings and my heart and my mind left to suffer yet another blow.

Moving On

Everything is clean. The house has been dusted. Every corner has been vacumned. The counters are wiped. The mirrors are sparkling. The laundry is done. I guess it’s a healthy outlet. Cleaning. Although as Jocelyn put it the other day, cleaning is more fun with a mimosa in hand and the stack of bottles I need to take out for recycling before mom comes on Saturday tells me that maybe I’m not dealing as well as I would like. I quit smoking, so now I’m drinking? I don’t even like drinking. It makes my tummy hurt and my belly fat. I told a friend tonight, I think I am dangerously close to becoming 700 pounds and bitter. I’m not even that sad. Bored maybe? I just want to get out of the house, but my past stops me from picking up the phone to call company. I would rather be alone. That has to say something about the men in my life. I would rather hang out with a bottle of wine and a Swiffer duster than hang out with most of them. I’ve just stopped responding to all the texts. No, you don’t care how my weekend is going. No, I don’t want to come to Silverton. No, I don’t want to meet you for a drink on Monday. Or Tuesday. Or Sunday. I figure that if I don’t respond, they will take the hint…. They usually don’t. Silly boys.


I won’t lie. I do enjoy company now and again. I want to be wanted. Like most women. I want someone to desire me. To want to see me and want to hang out with me. I want someone to call!!!!! Not text. Call!!!!! I will not date another boy who doesn’t call and ask me out. It’s not hard. I pick up the phone everyday and call strangers to ask for business. He can pick up the phone and call and ask me out. Make plans ahead of time. Not at 10:30 at night, when I have to work in the morning. He can take me out for dinner… and pay. He can even pick me up if he wants to go all out, although I will let that slide. Eventually someone has to get it right. Until then I guess.

I'll never talk again, oh boy you've left me speechless

I don't know how to feel. What to think or what to do. I am confused by what happened and how. Things were going well and then they weren't. Which is pretty standard these days. I feel like I am living in a constant state of chaos. My heart is bruised. I'm not worried about being alone. I enjoy being alone. I don't know why I feel sad. When one leaves there are three more waiting to take his place. After everything we went through, I'm surprised that G is one waiting in line. Smart enough to realize he f*cked up and trying to make it better. No one is perfect or without flaws. Especially me. I continue to make mistakes. Do and say the wrong thing, even though I know better. I guarded my heart this last time with him. Took things slow and held my own pace. I thought we were headed toward the future together. I thought we were on the same page and things were good. I feel stupid, like I knew but wouldn't accept it. It seems like no matter what I do or how I change the outcome is the same. I don't know what's next or what the next step is. I still feel the same disappointment regardless of time spent. A one night stand, a friend with "unresolved chemistry", Tommy Loewen, Tommy Hogan, Charlie, Brad, Ethan, Matt R, Matt S, Matt D, Matt M, Andrew, Kyle, DJ, Jordan, Joel, Garrett, Joey, Ian, Gregg, Frank, John, Eric, Jimmy, the list goes on and on. Since I was 16, men have been coming and going. It's like a revolving door of disappointing experiences. 10 years of dealing with men. I'm done trying. It's to much work to figure someone else out. I always know what I'm doing and what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking. That's enough work. Keeping myself from self-destruction on a daily basis, while trying to keep sales up, manage two employees, take care of the dog and the house, do the laundry, all the while also trying to be the perfect friend, girlfriend, sister, daughter and employee. I deserve someone to take care of me for once. To not be "confused" or "unsure of what he wants". I've said it before, I will say it again, "He's just not that into me." So be a man and fucking say it. Don't text it. Don't email it. Don't kick me out of a relationship on facebook. Don't send a telegram or charter a plane across the sky. Grow a pair and talk to me like an adult. Things don't work out everyday. I disappoint people everyday. I didn't meet my goals. I forgot to send that contract. The proposal is too high. I didn't call that client back. I didn't go to my friends house. I couldn't make it to dinner with my parents. As an adult, I take responsibility for all of that. I don't avoid it or make excuses. It's simple really, just living in the truth. Maybe try it some time.

I don't want a relationship with you

Never let the boys come back after they have f*cked it up. It never works out the second time and the first time should have been warning enough, but as women we are forgiving creatures. And as Jessica. I am one of the most forgiving of them all. I give freely and openly. I believe that people are genuinely good. I believe that relationships can work. And I believe that he is different. I always believe that though and he never really is different. And they all say the same thing, I'm not like him. Blah blah blah. Tell your story walking. I let him come back around too. Boundaries. I set them and then don't stick to them. Something that always bites me in the ass. I was into it. A mild flirtation and some pretty heavy sexting. I am seeing someone now. Finally a really good man. But I wanted to keep Boston around a little bit longer just in case. A girl does need options. Plus it was fairly harmless. We actually haven't been together in person in almost a month and I'm pretty sure texts aren't cheating. When I'm writing them. I probably would have let it go farther but now with the latest development I don't need or want to. I don't know why as women when a man doesn't want us, we want them a little bit more. Not to mention I was curious to see what he could do in person after a couple hours of some pretty hot nights. I'm kind of a bitch. We all know this. It's not really a secret. I never promised to be sunshine and kittens all day everyday. So I text him. I wanted him to come over. I hate to be ignored. Fastest way to piss me off. What person since the invention of the cell phone doesn't have it on them? An hour maybe. You are taking a shower, getting the mail, walking the dog. I get it. But more than that and something is fishy. I forget my cell at home and it's serious cause for panic. Enough to chance being late to work to turn around and get it. I wasn't born yesterday. Come on. So I decided to say something, after being ignored all day. And I'm sick. I wanted a little TLC.

"Thanks for ignoring me all day. I hope you enjoy your day off tomorrow!" I text him. Really not the bitchiest thing I've ever said. And it wasn't really all that undeserving. I would say the same thing to any one of my friends and I have before. You can ask them.

I erased his messages. Something I do when I am angry enough. I feel like it is a cleansing of my energy and then later when I want to re-read and laugh about them to myself I'm a little annoyed for feng shuing my phone. His message said something like, you know what Jessica, I'm tired of this, I must be still leading you on, I can fix this, I don't want a relationship with you.


Hold up. First, who said anything about a relationship. Why are men always jumping to conclusions? Sometimes women just want to f*ck too. We can't say anything. Hi, how is your day going? Um, I'm not really looking for a relationship right now. Uh, yeah okay. Second, I'm seeing someone now. And I wasn't going to tell you before. But now that the claws have come out, you are my back up plan. And not my back up relationship plan. My back up, he's not quite getting the job done, sext and possibly more plan. Third, come on. Look at me. I have no trouble finding men who want to play house, have sex, or send me naughty texts. I could have 90% of the straight men at work and half the gays. So really all he did was piss me off. Please. Next time save me the carpal tunnel and just weed yourself out at the beginning. I know it's hard to do. I am a pretty bad ass bitch.

Birthday Texts

So he waited until my birthday to give me the Jessica we can be friends speech. And via text message no less. My initial reaction was, you have got to be kidding me. I'm not even surprised. Fucking fantastic, I responded to him. I forwarded the message to Jocelyn.

She called me at work, laughing. "I'm not even surprised that happened to you."

"I know, right?" I laughed. "I'm not even surprised either, it's like eh all in a day."

All in a birhtday for me anyway. Last year a different boy f*cked with my head. I didn't answer the phone all day. Didn't want to talk to anyone and didn't want any one to say Happy Birthday. Jocelyn and I met at Roadhouse for a non-celebratory dinner. We ordered 32 oz beers and the guy looked at Jocelyn.

"Rough day?" He asked as he checked our ID.

"No, just a Monday." She answered. He left and didn't say happy birthday after checking my ID. "What the f*ck? Why put a 32 oz beer on the menu if they don't want me to order it? And worse he made me feel bad."

It was the worst service ever and the food was bad. I drove home and finished the night crying myself to bed early. F*cking fantastic.

So no one at work this year even knew it was my birthday this year except my assistant. Don't worry, last week for her birthday we had a potluck and cake, but for my birthday I got confetti on my desk and a pink Starbucks donut. Hey, so far it's an improvement. I will take it. I realized tonight that I haven't had a decent birthday since pre war zone with Buzz. Back when I turned 24 and met Ian. He was perfect, doesn't even need a nick name. Ian and I have broke it off twice now and I still have no hard feelings for him. It was always fun. He is a keeper. From that first night I fell out of Heaven and he still continued to come around. No matter how drunk I got, how many times I fell, how many times I bitchy text him, he was always good to me. And he was always up for a good time. I can't even remember how many nights we have spent together, walking home from Macs to Adro's old house, walking home from Macs to Adro's new house. I adore him still. Although waking up with the marks he liked to leave it was like I was dating a vampire. I guess I might as well, that's very trendy these days.

This birthday wasn't much better, but not much worse so I guess that's a good thing. Now he's not talking to me at all after a couple of bitchy texts that evening. I feel bad, but I was vulnerable. Two shitty birthday's and one shitty year is a lot to handle. Although, I'm certain there are more productive ways to handle it, I haven't found one yet. I'm not that mad about it anymore. I feel bad that things worked out this way.

Jocelyn said, "Why are you sad? You didn't even really like him that much."

"Did I not? I couldn't tell this time. I think I liked him."

"No, you didn't."

"Eh, you are probably right. But I hate it when they don't like me!"


I'm not sure whether or not I liked him or just wanted him around. I know that this was not how I anticipated things happening and that the part that really frustrates me is I can't even remember the fun stuff. It's like a cruel joke. It's like I have been waiting this whole time to make out with him and I have no recollection at all. I just know that I woke up naked and that's never a good sign when he is sitting next to you fully clothed and shoes on. It's comical. Then the hangover hits. Freaking meds. By the way, the side effects are memory loss and did we forget to mention that could happen. Like the mouth sores and the muscle cramps and the insomnia. Is it worth to cure one ailment for the suffering of everything else? I'm not sure what's worse. I feel good. I feel like they are working. The side effects seem minimal in comparison. And maybe it will get better, the doctor said to give it 6 weeks. So I'm naked and completely unaware as to why and he is sitting there looking at the clock and telling me it's time to go. Great. So then the message comes and I sort of figured. I'm blonde but come on. I woke up naked and you are worried about being to work on time. And then I don't hear from him for two days. Never a good sign. Oh well. I want to keep texting him and make him forgive me. There is enough sanity and calm still in my mind saying, let it go, Jessica. And I'm sure its time.

Faith

His story is very short. By his choice not mine. It's funny really when the very reason that someone likes you and is attracted is the same reason that keeps them away. I know I'm not perfect. I am very aware of my shortcomings. I start every group the same way, "I'm Jessica, and I'm a faithful believer." I believe that things will get better and that this is all part of the plan. It's easier and defines me in a way other than, "I'm Jessica. I am codependent. I suffer from anxiety and depression I struggle with habits I can't seem to kick and addictions that I don't want to admit I have. I confuse sex with intimacy, and I use men to fill a loneliness I can't quite seem to kick on my own. " I realize these things are wrong and I am really trying to fix what I can. I don't hide who I am. This is me. This is it. This is who I was made to be. I have never hidden my faults, but where display and speak of them openly. I said to him one of the first nights we hung out, "Oh wow, this is really becoming a shit show." He brought it up again, and I found it endearing that he found endearing something I was horribly embarrassed about. He is a good man. Possibly too weak to be my other half but a good man nonetheless. He apologized today for what I'm still not sure. I know he didn't really do anything wrong but be open about his feelings with me and I criticized him for that. Destructive anger. I reacted faster than I could stop myself and after I calmed down it was too late. I'm not sure how to redeem myself and at some point I have to allow myself to stop. When things go south my tendency is to talk about it. Write about it. Chat with friends about it. I want to fix it. Make it better. Apologize. It's hard because men don't want to talk about it. They don't want to read about it. Or discuss it in details while you read a bullet pointed list of what exactly needs to be fixed in the relationship. I hate to feel this helplessness. This overwhelming sense that there is literally nothing I can do. It truly is faith to just accept that I cannot control him. Or you. Or her. I can barely control me. Let's rephrase that. I can't control me. I try. I do the very best I can. And most days, that still isn't good enough. Everything will be okay though. Have faith.