Pace yourself

I'm disappointed. Confused. I don't understand him. I am mad and frustrated that things aren't going according to how I think they should even though I know that He sees the bigger picture. I'm annoyed that things aren't moving faster but at the same time it's probably a good thing things aren't moving faster. I'm not exactly a pillar of self control. "I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out." - Romans 7:18 - Maybe all of his slow pace is really His slow pace, because when presented with the opportunity to do wrong I usually do. Actually that is not true anymore, since meeting Jesus I only do the wrong thing 80% of the time instead of 100%. Sometimes that percentage may be higher or lower but I am a work in progress. So I'm re-learning all of this relationship business. I just wish it was easier. As my friend Katy Perry would say, "You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no."

Friday Night

I'm annoyed with myself. The chaos of my life overwhelms sometimes. I lock the doors and hide in the house with the shades down. Luckily as I've aged my vices have mellowed. These days all I do is clean the house and bake. Go for a walk with Mya. Thank the Lord I made it through everything I've made it through, minimally harmed and in one piece. Although that's debatable. So it's Friday night, I hit happy hour with my sister and had a couple cocktails. Left a couple hours later with a buzz and a desire to karaoke. I had a missed call from Boston. I'm fairly certain it was a pitty call since I gave him shit all day about not returning my call Wednesday night. He blew it off without saying sorry or explaining. It pissed me off. But I was still happy to see he called and I called him back. But he's with a "friend". When Buzz was with a "friend", he was usually f*cking said friend and I'm certain when I'm not getting any someone else is. Then again, that situation was f*cked up. He says he will call right back and it's been two hours. It's almost ten and I doubt I will hear from him tonight. I'm annoyed even though it hasn't happened but because I anticipate it to be true. If he proves me wrong, I don't know what I will do. Holy issues. Six years ago I would have solved loneliness and anxiety with drugs or men. Friday night, April 15, 2011 I am doing a load of laundry, cleaning the bathroom, and watching Will&Grace. And I couldn't be happier.

Chaos and Feelings

I live my life in chaos. My work is chaos. From the moment I walk in the door everyone is telling me things about work, about life, about relationships, you name it, I hear it. And not just from coworkers and management, but my clients. I feel like I have to call them clients now that I no longer work in weddings. Business executives and chair people. Not brides. Clients. I'm so professional. Or I sound like a high priced hooker. Wearing 4 inch stilettos, meeting with clients, and giving property tours at an airport hotel... I might as well be a high priced hooker. And I'm not that high priced... Wait... I'm definitely underpaid. But I signed on to do the job that I'm paid for and while I'm good at it, Boston told me today that my ego was getting to big for the conference table. I can't help it I'm so fantastic but I pray the Lord makes me humble because I struggled a long time in this position to get where I am. I am thankful everyday for my work. I'm proud of myself for making such positive changes over the past few months. And as that damn boy whos always on my mind would say, enough with the cheesefest. Something keeps telling me to give him a chance. I keep wanting to throw in the towl. I wear patience on my wrist but everytime our fax machine fails I want to throw it out the window in my office into the lobby in front of hotel guests. I wouldn't even feel bad about it. So I pray for patience everyday and everyday He gives me opportunities to be patient. One of these days I will get the hang of it. So back to Boston. Turns out, I adore him. He makes me crazy. Wanting to take things so slow. He's all mysterious and sexy with his East coast accent and values. I find myself having to look away cause he's so cute I am afraid I will blush, lose my cool, embarass myself, look stupid, a and b, or all of the above. He catches me off guard with things he says, tells me I'm beautiful, I smell perfect, he flirts with me, calls me Princess, and still I can't get him to ask me out more than once a month. And somehow I caught feelings. F*cking feelings. Now what am I supposed to do. I don't think they have a Rx for this.

I'm just a girl with a crush on you

I am confused. More confused now. He was right, feelings confuse things. All this time these past few months I have been learning to get in touch with my feelings, learning to feel my feelings. My feelings tell me I like him. But my broken heart keeps me from him. Step study ended and I am feeling a little lost. I don’t know what is next. I’m afraid to make a move. So I’m stuck I guess, which is never a good place to be. I have been so sick this week too. I haven’t slept all week, I’ve looked like shit every day at work. I’m bloated. Not to mention the headache, my head feels like it’s going to explode. I’m so uncomfortable. I’m exhausted. And to top it off, I’m hot. Like really hot. So after three days off, I saw him at work today. He gives me butterflies. Freaking butterflies. I’m 26 years old for f*cks sake. This is bullshit. Butterflies are bullshit. Every day I have to see him I think to myself it’s fine, you are fabulous. Then he comes around and I’m like a 14 year old girl during 7 minutes in Heaven. Giggle. I’ve never actually played 7 minutes in Heaven but I imagine there is a lot of giggling and avoiding eye contact. I find myself avoiding eye contact as if I’m afraid he will look too deep and see everything I try to hide. I’m scared of liking him too much, making a fool of myself, scaring him away, being my crazy self. Trust me, there are a number of things that can go wrong anytime I open my mouth. JO and I were talking last night while I shopped at Target and waiting for a Rx. I got a new hot pink Bluetooth and while I swore I would never be one of those people who talked on it in stores, I now am. It’s so convenient. Joce and I caught up with the latest gossip while I browsed the Clearance rack. And some gossip it was. Joce told me and I said, “Oh my gosh, I thought you were going to tell me she was pregnant, but this is WAY better!”. My new Bluetooth allows me to hang out with my BFF like we are chatting on the front swing at the Chi O house. And while I may be confused about everything else in life and love, I know that tomorrow afternoon I am loading up the car and heading North for less than 24 hours just so I can get some face time with my girl. I cannot wait until all us bitches are hitting Seattle together tomorrow night. At least for one night I can take my mind off the chaos that clouds my life.

Bored Meeting

My life has been a hot mess lately. A reflection of me maybe? I'm not sure. Where do I even begin? Two years ago when I met Buzz? One year ago when I met Garrett? Right now? I was so stressed out today I broke out in a stress rash on my chest/neck area. Yes, college friends, like the ones I broke out in before any speech I had to give, my panhellenic interview, and any other praticularly upsetting circumstances. It got so bad I had to start wearing high necked shirts all the time. That's devasting, considering how amazing my clevage is. Today before the Moose meeting my boss decides to stress me out fifteen minutes before, asking me to redo 9 packets of contracts with about 20 pages each and only so fifteen minutes later, we can cross out the changes I just made and update them with the correct details. Overall it was stupid and a waste of time and diffenitely not worth a minor panic attack. One Lorezapam later, I calmed down enough to conduct the meeting. Everything went well. I just don't know why everyone in that place gets so stressed out about the most insignificant details. You would think the f*cking world was coming to an end the way everyone gets so worked up.

My day today began with a phone call from Xtina. She very rarely gets worked up and has an amazing way of being gentle while firm. I adore her. She is my better half at work and I would die with out her support. I'm sure it takes a lot to be confined to a 12x12 office with me for 40 hours a week and she handles it beautifully.

There was an issue with a guestroom we preblocked for a meeting. I double checked everything two weeks ago when I finalized contracts, everything was fine, then as if it were a surprise everyone was shocked that there was a list of VIPs coming in for the Moose. Now me I wasn't surprised because I booked the event last year in July for 2011 and 2012. I went to the first meeting in November regarding the Moose, I put together pages and pages of contracts, reviewed them and revised them and resent them more times than I can count, I read email after email from management and clients, I attended the second meeting for the Moose in January, I met with Dennis 3 times to review contracts and rooming lists, I reviewed the group resume that Xtina spent hours preparing and reviewed the email one she sent it out. The Moose checking in today was not a surprise for me or Xtina. Or anyone on the restaurant side actually. With 405 room nights coming into the hotel, hotel revenue will likely beat my catering/banquet revenue. That being said, you would have to have been living under a rock for the past 10 months to not be aware of the details. I fill her in, take care of another reservation, and tell her to call down. Crisis averted.

As I walk in the door:

"Applied Industrial canceled their lunch tomorrow. And the audit committe meeting can't be in 114! Make sure you write it on the contract and figure out where it needs to move."

"I know. I have already taken care of this." I respond, while thinking how about you focus on your job considering you suck at it.

At 1:30pm, morning crisis I thought was averted comes back. Why it hasn't been taken care of at this point, I'm not sure? Considering guests will begin checking in at any time. No one has any idea when anyone is checking in even though all the information is in the file or on the resume, no one knows the rooms were pre-blocked even though we sent all the information out Friday.

This is bullsh*t, I am not responsible for making sure you review the information for groups coming in house. Especially when you are management.

So then my boss stresses me out and then I have to conduct this meeting with our biggest clients. Boss had told me I would be running the meeting, but then sits and the head of the table and proceeds to talk out of turn about nothing important.

We end up wasting a ton of paper and all in all the meeting was ridiculous. My day proceeded much of the same so it's no wonder I retreated to the table closet in the banquet hallway to sit on a stack of checkered dance floor and drink a giant diet coke all the while trying not to cry for fear of smearing my makeup and embarassing myself yet again.

However, looking back on really St. Patty's Day til now, my life has been a little bit of a whirlwind of confusion and drama. More details to come....

Egg Carton

I'm disappointed today. A friend let me down. And that seems to be happening a lot lately. I have been telling my sponsor, Dionne, everything about my life. The other day she said to me that she thinks of relationships as holding an egg carton, there is only twelve spots that we can handle at one time. I told her about a couple people I didn't want to be friends with any more and she said, "Think of all the new people you can fit in the carton!" Sunday I told her about an experience I had with a friend on Saturday night and she said I should tell them, "I am thisclose to taking you out of my egg carton!" And that is why she is so awesome. And it's so true, I can really only probably nurture twelve at any one time. But like usual, I have taken on too much and it's time to downsize.

Relief

I'm angry today. Tonight, this morning. Right now. I cried twice today, on the way home from work and again on the way home from the meeting. I feel suffocated by pain. My head hurts and I'm tired. Tired of fighting, tired of losing, tired of everything. I'm on edge with everyone because I can't sleep. I have been late to work and I've been barely eating. Lord Help. At least I know He is reliable. I can wait patiently because He brings relief.

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn. Isaiah 61:1-2

Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment. Matthew 9:22

He loves women like me and He heals women like me.