Past, present, future

I wrote this a few weeks ago – but I realized I don’t write as much when I am happy. I realized yesterday that I don’t love him anymore. I won’t love someone who would do that to me. Abandon me without even a word. What an asshole. I have had some douchy things done to me by men and this was the #1 worst thing a man has done to me. Not to mention everything he did leading up to just walking out. But I think I have recovered nicely. I am happy with G. He has changed for the better and I find myself falling for him the same way I did all those years ago. I am content to be with him. When I am with him I don’t want to be anywhere else. I could see him all the time and then I realize I’m being a big girl. Oh shit, I think I caught feelings.

"But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you,” Matthew 5:44. Everyone looked to me like I would fall apart. My boyfriend had just left me with his father, my assistant quit, I had nowhere to live. But here it is almost two months later. And I am still alive.

What Happens Next

I can’t stop thinking about him. Why? He sucks. He isn’t worth anything. So why do I care? I don’t know. I can’t answer that. I had a dream about him last night. I fantasize about the opportunity to seek vengeance. I know it’s the wrong thing to do but lately I’m obsessed. I am so angry that he just gets to leave. Just walk out on me. Who does that? He literally looked me in the eyes said not to worry he was going for ice cream and would be back in an hour and then never came back. And yet I’m the one stuck thinking about him. I hope that in some perfect world he is sitting around thinking how bad he fucked up. I know that’s wrong too but I can’t help it. I so desperately want him to feel bad like I have. Feel hurt like I have. Feel scared like I have. And then today I find out the love of my life is having a baby with another woman. It just seems like everyone is living what I used to think should be my life. So where does this leave me? What happens next is anyone's guess.

I’m afraid I’ve become numb to the world around me. I’ve been afraid to write because I’m not sure what I’ll say anymore. I don’t know what to say anymore. Everything seems so distant past but it wasn’t long ago we were making plans. I loved him so much. Now it all just seems so foolish. Everything has changed so much in the past few months. My home, my work, my family. I’m sure it’s all part of a bigger, better plan but I don’t know how well I’m adapting. I have been afraid to move on I guess. I kept thinking that he would call, that I meant more to him then to just walk out. And not just walk out, but lie to my face so I couldn’t even cause a scene. Selfish. And yet I am supposed to forgive. I know that it’s not forgiveness when I hope he gets what he deserves and that’s the stage I’m stuck in right now. I’ve learned in recovery that forgiveness is a train of feelings, eventually the feelings car will come even if right now it’s just boxcar after boxcar of anger, resentment, lies, and revenge. I have faith the feelings will come. God is so good.

Recovery

I guess part of me always kind of felt like it was all wrong. Or maybe I just believed what everyone was telling me. Whatever the reason the outcome is the same. Now all I can do is what I’ve learned, which is to take responsibility for what I’ve done, offer forgiveness, and move on. All my recovery knowledge that I’ve learned and went out the window this past month has been coming back into play. I become a robot of recovery. Have a three hour plan. And when that three hours is up have another three hour plan. Repeat. Stay safe. I haven’t been that sad this time. I guess I grieved the loss last week during the two days between kissing his lips and realizing he wasn’t coming back. I would have kissed him long and deeper if I had known. I was still angry with him and honestly him walking out did us both a favor. Everything had been going downhill, the good days were more like moments and few and far between. I love him still but I guess part of me is glad he’s gone. I miss him and my heart aches for him but what he put me through is not something I want to do again. Everything was so fucked up and I guess I just didn’t want to see it. But during that 48 hours last week, I didn’t sleep, or eat, or do anything really other than think about him. Run through every possible scenario of what could have happened and try to decide which one I would prefer. In the back of my mind I knew what the reality was. I guess it just took two days to come to terms with it. I can’t go back now what’s done is done, and while I will jot down what I think I did wrong this time, I don’t think I will share it with the world yet. I’m not sure if I just don’t want to talk about it anymore or I think I should be more private or I fear judgment, but I think this time I really just want to do what we do at work when there is something we don’t want to work on – put it in the file to ignore.

In Shock

I wrote this the first of February:

It feels a lot like I imagine shock would. My whole but just goes numb. My heart races. The anxiety this is causing feels unbearable. I don’t see the end of all this madness and my throat feels like it’s closing. My whole life feels like an out of body experience lately and everything is so wrong I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know what to do. Frequently when I get overwhelmed I just don’t do anything. I don’t pay bills. I don’t talk to anyone. I just shut off. I don’t want to deal with or process any of it anymore. It’s a worse nightmare each passing day. The fighting and the lies and the secret conversations on the porch. Drama drama drama. I just don’t know when enough is enough anymore. We can barely go hours anymore without fighting and I don’t think a relationship is supposed to be so hard. But then again who knows what normal is.

Leap of faith

Relationships are hard. Trusting anyone is hard. I feel anxious all the time when I’m not with him like he will find out that he’s made a mistake. That maybe he doesn’t want me after all. And then I will be on my own again. That doesn’t really scare me though, being on my “own”. I know that there is not much in this world I can’t handle anymore. And every time He throws something new at me, He always helps me through. So I’m not worried. I’m scared of the pain though I guess, I know how it feels to lose love. I’m not sure how much more I could bear. But I do know that I can’t control it. I could do everything “perfect” and he could still leave tomorrow. That’s reality, it’s not up to me. So I want to just love him and smile when thinking about him, curl up in his arms after work, fall asleep with him at night, and wake up with him in the morning. I am so grateful for this gift of love and companionship, I think I will just take the leap of faith that maybe this is what I’ve been waiting for.