How many times can I break til I shatter

I'm tired tonight. Tired of working, tired of waiting on someone to call, tired of putting a smile on my face, just tired of it all. I was thinking as I was driving tonight, that is almost as if things were going to well for me so the universe decided to flip the switch and change it up. Not that things are really that bad. Sue told me that there is always something worse. And she's right. She's usually right :) It's true though, there is always something worse. I'm making money. I have a great family. I don't know why I feel so discontent. I'm bummed about the business stuff. So much time and hard work down the drain. I don't know anymore where this road is going. Maybe I'm not cut out to be a business woman. I have been doing my best to push all of the thoughts out and just work, so once I finally get some off time it's hitting me hard. Plus having to smile and listen to all the bullsh*t when I really want to tell them to shut up, I really don't care, makes me want to go a little crazy. I felt like I was really on track. Headed toward somewhere I wanted to be. Now I have no idea where I'm going. I know it's all going to be okay. I just need to take a deep breath and refocus.

Fear

I wish that something I was so excited about wasn't so intimidating for the world. I know when people think outside the box and when they want something out of the ordinary it can be scary for people to process. Everyone is talking so loud, I can't even hear what I want anymore. I have been trying to stay strong with my thoughts and my ideas. I knew when I started this that everyone was going to have an issue. But now I feel like I don't even really know what I want anymore. This is my dream come true. I know the risk. I understand the responsibility. I have thought about it more than everyone thinks. I respect the fear and the concern. I realize that I have not always made the best decisions in the past. I'm trying to look into my future and make the decisions that move me to where I want to be. How am I supposed to make the right decision for me when everyone is telling me what I'm supposed to do with myself? And to what extent am I supposed to listen? Do I just give up everything I have been working for to make them more comfortable? I think part of the problem is that they are afraid I might be successful. Make too much money, be too powerful and independent to need them anymore. I know that I could fail. But that doesn't scare me. I've experienced a lot of failure in my 24 years. I'm not sure that there is a such thing as failure. So I try something new and it doesn't work. It wouldn't be the first time. Sure I'm scared. I have thought about every possible thing that could go wrong. But if we all lived like that there wouldn't be entrepreneurs and famous actors and overseas teachers. I just can't imagine my life anyway else. All of my life I have always thought about my future. I used to imagine going away to college and then I spent 4 wonderful years at O State. I used to imagine I had a dog, now I have two. I always imaginedbI would be independent and live and work in the city, now I'm pretty close to that. Now I imagine that I own and run my own business. That I am making money and doing my thing. For me it's a natural progression. I'm not scared because I know what I'm capable of. I trust myself. I just wish other people would trust me to make the right decision for me. I hate that I'm questioning myself now just because of all their gossip. I am putting my faith in the situation and praying that somehow in the next day I'll be able to make a decision that everyone can live with. But mainly I just care about if I am able to live with it. It would just be easier if everyone were supportive unconditionally. It makes me want to prove them all wrong. I can't entertain the thought that it might not work because then it might not work. I have to only think positive and keep thinking about the future or I will always be stuck right here, never moving forward. Paralyzed by the fear of the unknown. Well what I do know is I'm good at what I do, I love it and it's not work to me. It soothes my mind when I can't think straight. As I work through the details of an event it calms my nerves and focuses my thoughts. As I see my vision and my notes come to life, I feel accomplished. I watch ceremonies and toasts and dancing, it makes me happy and hopeful. I was born for this.

Bridal tip of the day: Hire a videographer. You will not regret it.

Cheaters

Twice in one week I've had to have a conversation with Joce about men with girlfriends. Twice in one week, on two seperate occasions I've been out with men who called me, asked me out, and after getting me on the hook told me that they have girlfriends. Hmmm...not a pattern I'm liking. At least they are honest? I feel like there is nothing more to say. You have a girlfriend, I'm single. It's not fair to her, it's not fair to me. Really the only one winning here is him. First, Harrison. Which is neat, since I've been hanging out with him for months and he's always been sketch. Now I know why. I feel like I knew. I knew it had to be another girl. If he's not hanging out with me, then there definitely must be another woman. And I don't really want to be the other woman. I guess because it's so taboo it's kind of exciting. But really the only one who's going to get hurt here is me. He's not leaving, although if your boyfriend were cheating on you. Why would you stay? Once a cheater always a cheater, or so I've heard. Next time you see me it's going to be on Cheaters with Joe Grace and a camera crew up in my face and some crazy b*tch trying to stab me. Maybe it's best I just don't respond anymore. I'll work on that.

This Year

Wedding season this year is a lot slower than I am used to. I have done a lot more of my own weddings this year which is nice. Branching out a bit. I got in from vacation at 2AM and had to get up at 7AM to start the day. Wedding setup. I got a sunburn. All that time in BFE Oklahoma in the crazy heat and not once did I even get a hint of red. Neat. Oh Oregon, how I missed thee. Stephanie's wedding is this week. I can't believe it's here finally, we have been working on this for a year now. I realized today that this is the first wedding that I have been really close to. I can only imagine how Stephanie is feeling. For me it's all professional. I know I will show up, setup, be hot, have only a quick second to change, stress out a bit, and then it will be over. That's my routine, although lately I get a lot less stressed than I used to when I was starting out. One of my events this weekend was having all sorts of issues and when I would usually be upset, I finally just accepted that this happens. I guess it's about time. I have done enough weddings at this point. I'm excited for what the future will bring me. I know it is going to be an amazing life with amazing brides and extraordinary events. At the end of the day, the end of the weekend, the end of the month. I still love what I do.

Bridal Tip of the day: Enjoy it. All the planning and the hype are finally here. You deserve to sit back, relax, and enjoy the day with the man or woman you love.

Home

Home. Everyday this word takes on new meaning for me. I just got home after a week long vacation. As I was driving home tonight I realized that I am lucky to be where I’m at. There are so many people in this world who don’t get to drive home to family or friends. That don’t know what that feeling is like. It’s always bittersweet though. I didn’t want to live OKC and Darci. It makes me sad. And I am contemplating the idea of making a change depending on where this year may take me. It’s too early to tell. I have always thought that I had to move somewhere to have a real “life”. That I wasn’t really living if I wasn’t someplace besides where I grew up, someplace amazing like New York or Seattle. But after spending a week experiencing a new walk of life, I realized this is what life is all about. Being near your family and having close friends, even those only a flight away, taking vacation with your girlfriends while you’re young and single, sitting at mom’s on a Sunday afternoon eating BBQ and watching the dogs run. I’m living life and I must say I have a pretty nice one.

Vacation

After my week long vacation of rest, relaxation, friends, fun, sun, boys, and way too much partying. One thing has been on my mind since last week…Tommy. And trust me, it annoys the f*** out of me. Here I am in sin city having the time of my life and thinking about him. How dare he intrude on my thoughts when I was supposed to be having fun. And as I showered tonight after laying in the pool all day, I was wanting to talk to him about something I don’t know anyone else will be able to understand. I know I do things he doesn’t understand sometimes because he got to miss out on 3 years of my life. I want to look forward more than I look back, but I feel like I never really grieved the loss of the man I loved. It hurt too bad to process and so I just tucked it away. I ran as far in the other direction just so I wouldn’t hurt anymore. So here he is back in my life again. And now I’m being forced to deal with and process all the emotions I left behind.

I am thinking about it now because people say they are truly friends with an ex. But I know that Tommy will never be friends with me like Darci is friends with me or JO is friends with me. Joce cried with me when Tommy left the last time. She held me when I didn’t think I could go on. She supported me in my decision to run and supported me again on my decision to come back. She is the only one in the world who can calm me down and she does it without fail every time. Darci has seen me at my best and worst. She knows want I am capable of before I do. She laughs with me and supports me even when she knows I’m wrong. It truly was love at first sight. I have never seen more beautiful women then the ones I call my friends. I could never drive these girls away – Steph, Whit, Joce, Darci, Adrienne, Jamie, Jessy, Mikaila, Amanda – even though sometimes I’ve tried. But Tommy has walked out on me once. So what is to stop him from doing it again.

This is what I’m afraid of. Out loud and in the flesh. I don’t want to hurt like that again. I know that love means putting yourself out there and that sometimes means rejection. This experience with Tommy has jaded my whole love life to follow. I believe that someday it will happen to me. I am just so scared in the process. And I’m not a woman who gets scared. He’s got me turned into this insecure, blubbering girl. I can’t read him. I can read most men. But Tommy gives me nothing. I am angry with him still for moving on as quickly as he did. I am hurt for watching him walk out like he did. I am annoyed because he still gets to me as hard as I try to not let him. I feel like there is so much still there for me and he couldn’t give a f***.

So now what? How does one process all these feelings and move on. That’s where I’m at now. I want to. I want to process all these feelings and move on. I want to put Tommy behind me and look forward. He may be my past, but he’s not my future and since he’s made that perfectly clear shouldn’t that be enough. He doesn’t want me move on. But instead it’s like I’m trapped in limbo. I’m waiting for him to leave again so I don’t want to get close. But I miss him so much I don’t want to let him go again. He is the only man I have ever loved. Do you ever really move on? Maybe it just takes someone new to move on. Tommy moved on and fell in love again. Maybe that’s why this doesn’t bother him. Or maybe just cause he’s a man. How does someone just move from that kind of love to someone new? And if he doesn’t feel it maybe he never did and it’s all in my head. Sometimes I just think it’s all too much and if I just walk out first I won’t have to deal with all this bullsh*t anymore. But then it will just hunt me down in the future and do it again.

Hmm…looks like I’m up a creek.

The city

I took a walk tonight with the dogs. I've been working on making some big changes to my life and my attitude. So I've adopted a new positive outlook on life. Or at least I'm trying too. I have been reading a lot lately too. You know I love the library. I've been reading every night and one of my books said to find something that makes you ecstatic and do it for at least 10 minutes a day. I've wanted to start taking a pictures again so tonight I grabbed the camera and I grabbed the dogs and we left. So I just walked and took pictures of anything and everything that struck me as beautiful or different. It's amazing what you can find when you wander a little out of your comfort zone. I had no idea some of the houses in my area were so pretty and old. Some of them you wouldn't even believe we were in Salem. So as you now know, love is usually not far from my mind. I am a very passionate person. I feel like I am one of the most honest people in the world. I never lie. I don't see the point in it. And I live my life like this is who I am, deal with it. But there is this whole other side of me that is a people pleaser too. But that is in my head, which is one of the things I've been trying to stop. All the self-doubt and inconsistencies in my head. I got off topic :) So I'm walking along thinking about my trip to Vegas coming up this weekend and how all the girls going with me but one are married or engaged and I feel some doubt in my head that that will ever happen to me. So I'm thinking about all this as I'm taking pictures and walking with my dogs. I realize now that this is what I've been wanting for as long as I can remember. When I was growing up in high school and just beginning to think about the future. I wanted to be independent, have a dog and a job and live in the alone in the city. While some girls dream of a wedding and a man, that has never been on my mind. Along my path I was thinking I was making mistakes, but really everything that I have done has led me right here. I realize now that I felt I tried and failed at moving to my city. But now I realize Seattle just wasn't where I was ready to be. Now I am living in my city, in my random, completely non cookie cutter apartment, walking my two dogs through interesting old houses downtown. I have been so blinded by everything else in life, I didn't even realize it til I embarked on this journey of self-discovery. I wasn't ready for love. I couldn't appreciate a relationship when I was looking for myself still. I feel like I get the best of both worlds because I get to still look forward to what the future has for me and I get to enjoy all this great single time alone. I may never get this back. I do believe in marriage. I believe that two people can find each other when they are ready and make a relationship to last. But I also believe you have to be ready for that relationship or it will never work.

Bridal tip of the day: I cannot repeat this enough, DO NOT get caught up in all of the meaningless details. Try to focus on the reality of the relationship and the commitment you are making. Really this should be the first great party you throw together on your long path of life.