Vacation

After my week long vacation of rest, relaxation, friends, fun, sun, boys, and way too much partying. One thing has been on my mind since last week…Tommy. And trust me, it annoys the f*** out of me. Here I am in sin city having the time of my life and thinking about him. How dare he intrude on my thoughts when I was supposed to be having fun. And as I showered tonight after laying in the pool all day, I was wanting to talk to him about something I don’t know anyone else will be able to understand. I know I do things he doesn’t understand sometimes because he got to miss out on 3 years of my life. I want to look forward more than I look back, but I feel like I never really grieved the loss of the man I loved. It hurt too bad to process and so I just tucked it away. I ran as far in the other direction just so I wouldn’t hurt anymore. So here he is back in my life again. And now I’m being forced to deal with and process all the emotions I left behind.

I am thinking about it now because people say they are truly friends with an ex. But I know that Tommy will never be friends with me like Darci is friends with me or JO is friends with me. Joce cried with me when Tommy left the last time. She held me when I didn’t think I could go on. She supported me in my decision to run and supported me again on my decision to come back. She is the only one in the world who can calm me down and she does it without fail every time. Darci has seen me at my best and worst. She knows want I am capable of before I do. She laughs with me and supports me even when she knows I’m wrong. It truly was love at first sight. I have never seen more beautiful women then the ones I call my friends. I could never drive these girls away – Steph, Whit, Joce, Darci, Adrienne, Jamie, Jessy, Mikaila, Amanda – even though sometimes I’ve tried. But Tommy has walked out on me once. So what is to stop him from doing it again.

This is what I’m afraid of. Out loud and in the flesh. I don’t want to hurt like that again. I know that love means putting yourself out there and that sometimes means rejection. This experience with Tommy has jaded my whole love life to follow. I believe that someday it will happen to me. I am just so scared in the process. And I’m not a woman who gets scared. He’s got me turned into this insecure, blubbering girl. I can’t read him. I can read most men. But Tommy gives me nothing. I am angry with him still for moving on as quickly as he did. I am hurt for watching him walk out like he did. I am annoyed because he still gets to me as hard as I try to not let him. I feel like there is so much still there for me and he couldn’t give a f***.

So now what? How does one process all these feelings and move on. That’s where I’m at now. I want to. I want to process all these feelings and move on. I want to put Tommy behind me and look forward. He may be my past, but he’s not my future and since he’s made that perfectly clear shouldn’t that be enough. He doesn’t want me move on. But instead it’s like I’m trapped in limbo. I’m waiting for him to leave again so I don’t want to get close. But I miss him so much I don’t want to let him go again. He is the only man I have ever loved. Do you ever really move on? Maybe it just takes someone new to move on. Tommy moved on and fell in love again. Maybe that’s why this doesn’t bother him. Or maybe just cause he’s a man. How does someone just move from that kind of love to someone new? And if he doesn’t feel it maybe he never did and it’s all in my head. Sometimes I just think it’s all too much and if I just walk out first I won’t have to deal with all this bullsh*t anymore. But then it will just hunt me down in the future and do it again.

Hmm…looks like I’m up a creek.