Relationship?

I feel like the more I try to do what’s right the more I just fuck everything up. I’m exhausted with life. I am literally drained physically and emotionally. I feel so confused with because I know what I want and need, I just don’t know how to communicate it. I guess that’s why I’m human. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I feel like I want to just lock myself in a room and never come out so that I don’t have to speak ever to another person. Like I should stay single and alone so then I wouldn’t mess anyone else up with my issues. I keep thinking this is this is the healthiest I have been since college. Minus the constant sinus pain, that's just a life consequence. But I am thinking maybe I have a ways to go before I am healthy enough to try a relationship.

Zoo

Life is a zoo lately. I struggle lately to find faith. I pray to the Lord and I know He hears me and will answer in His perfect timing. I know there is a bigger picture that I can't see, but sometimes the daily grind can be monotonous. It's overwhelmingly dull. I have a good life. So why the funk? I'm not sure just yet. More to come...

Facebook

Oh facebook. It's obnoxious almost how everything has gone to facebook. I find out who's pregnant, who's getting married, divoriced, engaged. And not just that but you can see it all too, via pictures, video, blogging. Kids and pregnancy tests. Wedding and honeymoon. Why the obsession? It starts to overwhelm me to look at it all. To be so involved in other peoples lives. I can barely keep track of myself, let alone you and your five kids, three step-kids, and a toy poodle. It's amazing what goes on facebook these days. I'm not going to lie to you, it's not my thing, so I will tell you what. I check facebook on my phone when I get a notice, or I'm bored at lunch. But I don't actually go online but maybe once a week or less. I just don't. I know you are thinking get to the point, so I will, finally, on the occassional night that I do log on, I still think it's fantastic. Fucking fantastic. I have succumb myself to posting cute pictures of the puppy and funny inside jokes. I like the occassional chit chat with an old friend. I chuckle at silly photos of children and animals. It's an obsession. I have to make a conscious effort to stop, like all of the other addictions I give in to. Fucking facebook. Keeping up with the Jones' they call that. Or did I make that up? I think I'd better sign off and just try to keep up with Jessica.

My mama told me when i was young, we're all superstars

Lord how I wish you would save me from myself sometimes. I am a crazy person. Nutty down to the core Lord and I'm sure you know this because you made me this way. I know that in God's creation we are all perfect and in an image of God. But lately I doubt that God would claim me in His perfect image. Lord, everything is different. Being an adult is hard. I want to go back to college when i could skip class and sleep on the photo processing machine at work because I was hungover. It's hard now to work 9 to 5 and come home and make dinner and go grocery shopping and be sexy and mysterious and calm and perfect all the fucking time. I am so far from perfect these days Lord, right to the curly fucking hair that is a beautiful nest I deal with daily. Lord I do love the new curly hair. It is perfect for me. I prayed tonight that you would take him from my heart, let him go into the world and be free from me. And I prayed you would free me from myself. I know people gasp now when I say I am a greatful believer in Jesus Christ but I do not care in the slightest. He saves me from myself. Accepts me for the crazy imperfect human that I am. He loves me. Without the games. Without the faux feelings. Without the facade. Amber said tonight that I am the most normal tonight that she has seen me in quite awhile. That I'm just Jessica. I'm okay with being Jessica. I was born this way.

Stupid Boys

I haven't felt like writing lately. I know, right. Me with nothing to say. Well, that didn't last long and I'm back. Life has been so busy lately. Weddings, birthdays, family, church, fireworks, Kristi, beach, old friends, tears, new friends, joy. I have been carefree lately. Following a few stressful weeks in a row, I am feeling more like myself these days. Satisfied and in control. Most of the time anyway. I have been dating, quite a bit actually. Spending time with boys that make me happy and don't cause drama. Doing whatever I want, whenever I want. That's the beauty of being single, just spending time doing what I love. I have no accountability
to anyone but God. Then after this past holiday weekend, I realized that these boys I have been hanging out with pass the time, but I don't know if I ever really enjoy it. Like I feel obligated to them to hang out. But lately I dread going more and more as I realize this really isn't what I want. There is a reason that things don't work out so when we revisit them time and time again, it's like we question God. Or is it fate, that we find our way back to some people again and again? All part of His original plan. I can't figure it out, a little guidance please? At least with Boston I actually liked spending time with him. We could carry on a conversation and enjoy each other without sex. Not like this weekend trapped in a car with a man I have literally nothing to say to. Twice, two different men. I couldn't even find words to speak. About anything. And then what, you are trapped at the destination because you didn't drive so while once a thoughtful gesture now a boring evening watching boys light fireworks. Seriously just happened to me. Two nights in a row. And I like fireworks don't get me wrong. So I thought about Boston this weekend and it pissed me off. Why is it the ones we can't get enough of that never come around, and the ones we wish would stop calling never do. Stupid boys...

Living the good life

What to do when life is exhausting? Life seems to be flying by without any since of reason or control and someone like me is bound to have trouble with that. Just living and processing everything that is thrown at me daily is outrageous. I work really hard and I am constantly busy. Everyone wants something from me and needs to talk about something. I do love it. I love my job and I don't hate getting up for work every morning. I grumble a bit, but I am very grateful for my position. I think it is threatening though. A woman who knows what she is doing, what she wants, how to take care of herself. I've come so far this past year and I am truly no longer afraid to be alone. It doesn't cause panic to think about sitting at home on Friday night. In fact, I secretly look forward to it. I love doing my own thing. Planning to be out of town, doing all sorts of fun stuff, living life and just enjoying friends and family. The older I get the more sure I become of what I want and what I'm looking for and I am really not in any rush. I have a good life.

"There's only two types of people in the world
The ones that entertain and the ones that observe
Well baby, I'm a put-on-a-show kind of girl
Don't like the backseat, gotta be first"

I live my life in a circus. At least it feels like that sometimes. Everything in chaos. Time flying by. Elephants and clowns wandering around. Okay, I made that last part up. But there are definitely some freaks around me. I love my life. Everyday. Everyday I thank the Lord for another day with my family, my friends, shelter, food, a job. We have a good life here, Mya and I.

"All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus
When I crack that whip, everybody gon' trip just like a circus"

I feel like everyone's eyes are on me. Watching, waiting for me to make a mistake. As if I'm that important. I have been trying to be perfect for everyone but me.

"There's only two types of guys out there
Ones that can hang with me and ones that are scared
So baby, I hope that you came prepared
I run a tight ship so beware
I'm a like the ringleader, I call the shots
I'm like a firecracker, I make it hot"

I don't know why I have been so worried to be alone again. Not thinking about anyone but me. I went out tonight and it felt good to laugh and talk with friends. Not worry about anything but how I feel, what I want, what I need. This part I'm actually good at. Being single. And living in this circus.