I'm over it

I’m ready to snap out of it. Jessy said that to me on Friday night. And she is 100% right. I’m so tired of being sad. I’m tired of being anxious all the time. It’s over. I prayed tonight and I asked for guidance and I think that I am supposed to just let it go. Give it to God. Christmas is next week and I have so much to be thankful for this week. I’m going to take the week off. No drama. I’m just going to sit at home with Mya-bear, baking and getting ready for the holiday. Kristi will be home in a few days. All of the girls are getting together on Friday. It is going to be a wonderful week.

Little Miss Obsessive

Am I the reason why you tossed and turned last night?
Everything's such a blur, it didn't come out right.
All of the sudden it's cold and we're falling apart.
No this can't be, please don't leave me alone in the dark.

And I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it.
Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, I'm not desperate.
A little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.

I've never been a fan of long good-byes.
I'm at the finish line and you're just way too far behind.
In the morning I got in a fight with myself, I got the bruises to prove it.
Then I swallowed your words and spit them right back out.

And I guess we're really over, so come over, I'm not over it.
Late night you make me feel like I'm desperate, Aim not desperate.
Oh, a little bit possessive, little miss obsessive, can't get over it.

It's like a fairy tale without a happy ending
But then again maybe we are just pretending.
Why does it have to be so unfair?
Tell me that you care.

And I guess we're really over, but come over, I'm not over it.

I can’t even describe how it feels. My whole body is fatigued with sadness. My chest hurts like I can literally feel my heart breaking. And I honestly believe that this is what I deserve. Well not what I deserve but my behavior earned this heartache. My mind is constantly racing and I have tried everything to make it stop. Crazy working all the time. Writing. Cleaning. Laying in the shower. I don’t remember when my house stopped feeling like home. I hate every minute that I am here. And I feel bad. I have everything I need so I should be content. My head hurts and I can’t find comfort in sleep. So I just stay awake. And pray that this feeling goes away soon.

Humpty Dumpty

I’m so tired of part-time boyfriends. Seems like I still deal with all the bullshit and yet I’m always alone. I don’t need to be maintained by a text or a call once a week, I have a life. Everyday I spend time taking care of guests, dealing with personnel issues, client complaints, walk in appointments, reviewing the staffs work, correcting the staffs work, doing my own work. I’m so sick of the drama and the issues everyday. News flash guys, I’m wonderful. I have a job, a place of my own, a car, and my shit together, I am a catch. I have zero trouble finding someone to take your place. So maybe it’s time to shake up the egg carton, see who I can get rid of, and who I might want to devote more time to. I don’t have time to maintain 2-3 boyfriends. I just need one good one.

The Scorpion and The Frog

As we all know by now, I am one of the most forgiving people on earth. I believe in the good in people that we are all broken and in need of grace. That said, I have spent the past year and a half learning about setting boundaries. I don’t have to allow people to hurt me. So what happens when it’s unintentional? There is a fable about a scorpion that asks a frog to carry him across the river. The frog is afraid he will be stung. The scorpion explains that if he stings the frog they will both drown. The frog agrees to carry him and halfway across the river the scorpion stings him, dooming them both. The frog asks why he would sting him and the scorpion says because it’s in his nature. The point of this fable and my point right now is that some creatures will do what is in their nature regardless of how they are treated and what the consequences may be. I repeatedly talk about never giving boys that fuck up another chance. Yet, I am always the one to offer a second chance. Or a third. And usually it ends badly. My heart is torn about what boundaries to set. God offers me endless chances. I know that I don’t trust him. I don’t believe him when he says he’s leaving anymore. I saw how easy it was for him to cast me aside. I believe that trust is earned. He broke mine and until he earns it back I don’t have to believe him. But how does a relationship work if there is no trust. I don’t know anymore, all I do is confuse myself. I guess I need to pray about it.

I gotta go

I keep telling myself that I deserve better. I know I want more. I’m a very black and white person and I don’t do well with gray area. I thought for two years that Buzz wouldn’t commit to me, but I think more and more I am the problem. I need a definition, we are together or we aren’t. It’s the same problem I have with Garrett, he expects me to be his girlfriend without making any commitment to me. He and Buzz are masters of relationship limbo. They don’t expect or want me to see anyone else, but if you don’t tell me not to I don’t understand why I can’t. Dr. Phil says you can only expect to love 80% about your partner and I think maybe it’s okay that I need two or three men around. The problem is though that I have been single so long now, dealing with failed relationship after failed relationship makes me more guarded and hesitant to commit to anyone. I think that I keep one foot out the door all the time, just in case I feel the need to bail. I run, that’s how I handle things. JO called me Saturday night. She has been my best friend since we were 19. She knows me better than most. She brought up something I didn’t want to talk about and my answer for anything that makes me uncomfortable has since college and likely will always be, “Well, I gotta go.” She knows this. It works in every situation. I never explain or offer any excuse. This used to be how I left my one night stands in college and was a running joke amongst my sorority sisters. It’s the same in my relationships. As soon as it’s hard, I gotta go. Self-preservation. I always know what I think, how I feel, what I need, what I’m doing, it’s easier than trying to figure out someone else’s stuff too.

What a weekend. The house is a disaster and I love it. I am an eventcoordinator. I love to host parties. “You are always working,” G said to me in response to me as I said, “Let me take the trash out since we have guests coming.” “Guests, Jessica? They aren’t our friends anymore?” He asked. I guess I just want everyone to have a good time and everything to be perfect. Well planned. The house cleaned. The mess makes me feel good because I know the house is lived in. We have friends that love us,that spent all weekend with us and never stopped having fun. I had fun. I feel awful because sometimes I wish G was someone else. It’s ridiculous since this was all I wanted for so long was him to want to be with me. Then last night I snapped at him, “Don’t touch me.” “Get away from me.” “I’m annoyed with you.” “I’m ignoring you.” He’s a good man. He’s reliable. He’s honest. I trust him when he says something. He spent all weekend with me, without complaint. Bragged about me to Kalah that I am the perfect woman because I loaded all the guys in the car Sunday morning hangovers and all at 10am then reached into my purse and distributed beers to each of them. That’s my best quality. I’m an event coordinator, I’m always prepared. Mike said as he cracked his beer, “I knew there was a reason I was following you around last night, mama is always prepared.” Even the little guy said to me the other day, “I want snacks from your purse.” At 3 he’s figured it out. I know how to keep the boys happy from age 3 to age 30 and older. G and I lay on the couch Friday night watching Sons of Anarchy. He fell asleep on me about 10:30 and I propped pillows up under him so I could move. Funny how things work out, I was glad he was there. I enjoy his company and it was better than sitting alone. But I guess the heart wants what it wants. G stayed the night with me Friday and asked me why the boy next door came out every time he was smoking and played his gangsta rap for all to hear. “What’s his problem?” G asked me. I told him I had no idea. But it’s hard to avoid when he’s wandering around in front of my windows and when I take the trash out run into him and flirt for twenty minutes. It feels like an awful punishment that he’s so close and I still can’t be with him. I think about him all day everyday. It feels cruel that he still wants to be with me and says he didn’t want things to work out this way. But they did work out this way and I’m not sure that couple we were for that short time will ever be us again. I don’t trust him. I know now that he will never choose me and that we will never have the chance to really be together. So why invest my heart? Well I guess he still has it, I never really got it back. I don’t like the woman that I am in this situation either. I wouldn’t expect any man that said he loves me to want this for me either. I've lost 15 pounds, my voice, my dignity,$600.00, and my heart, when is enough enough. I curled up in the shower and cried last night after everyone left because even though it was a wonderful day the pressure on my heart feels too great to bare. I miss him too much. Even with everything that happened, how mad I am, how hurt I am, how disgusted I am, I love him.