What a weekend. The house is a disaster and I love it. I am an eventcoordinator. I love to host parties. “You are always working,” G said to me in response to me as I said, “Let me take the trash out since we have guests coming.” “Guests, Jessica? They aren’t our friends anymore?” He asked. I guess I just want everyone to have a good time and everything to be perfect. Well planned. The house cleaned. The mess makes me feel good because I know the house is lived in. We have friends that love us,that spent all weekend with us and never stopped having fun. I had fun. I feel awful because sometimes I wish G was someone else. It’s ridiculous since this was all I wanted for so long was him to want to be with me. Then last night I snapped at him, “Don’t touch me.” “Get away from me.” “I’m annoyed with you.” “I’m ignoring you.” He’s a good man. He’s reliable. He’s honest. I trust him when he says something. He spent all weekend with me, without complaint. Bragged about me to Kalah that I am the perfect woman because I loaded all the guys in the car Sunday morning hangovers and all at 10am then reached into my purse and distributed beers to each of them. That’s my best quality. I’m an event coordinator, I’m always prepared. Mike said as he cracked his beer, “I knew there was a reason I was following you around last night, mama is always prepared.” Even the little guy said to me the other day, “I want snacks from your purse.” At 3 he’s figured it out. I know how to keep the boys happy from age 3 to age 30 and older. G and I lay on the couch Friday night watching Sons of Anarchy. He fell asleep on me about 10:30 and I propped pillows up under him so I could move. Funny how things work out, I was glad he was there. I enjoy his company and it was better than sitting alone. But I guess the heart wants what it wants. G stayed the night with me Friday and asked me why the boy next door came out every time he was smoking and played his gangsta rap for all to hear. “What’s his problem?” G asked me. I told him I had no idea. But it’s hard to avoid when he’s wandering around in front of my windows and when I take the trash out run into him and flirt for twenty minutes. It feels like an awful punishment that he’s so close and I still can’t be with him. I think about him all day everyday. It feels cruel that he still wants to be with me and says he didn’t want things to work out this way. But they did work out this way and I’m not sure that couple we were for that short time will ever be us again. I don’t trust him. I know now that he will never choose me and that we will never have the chance to really be together. So why invest my heart? Well I guess he still has it, I never really got it back. I don’t like the woman that I am in this situation either. I wouldn’t expect any man that said he loves me to want this for me either. I've lost 15 pounds, my voice, my dignity,$600.00, and my heart, when is enough enough. I curled up in the shower and cried last night after everyone left because even though it was a wonderful day the pressure on my heart feels too great to bare. I miss him too much. Even with everything that happened, how mad I am, how hurt I am, how disgusted I am, I love him.