I gotta go

I keep telling myself that I deserve better. I know I want more. I’m a very black and white person and I don’t do well with gray area. I thought for two years that Buzz wouldn’t commit to me, but I think more and more I am the problem. I need a definition, we are together or we aren’t. It’s the same problem I have with Garrett, he expects me to be his girlfriend without making any commitment to me. He and Buzz are masters of relationship limbo. They don’t expect or want me to see anyone else, but if you don’t tell me not to I don’t understand why I can’t. Dr. Phil says you can only expect to love 80% about your partner and I think maybe it’s okay that I need two or three men around. The problem is though that I have been single so long now, dealing with failed relationship after failed relationship makes me more guarded and hesitant to commit to anyone. I think that I keep one foot out the door all the time, just in case I feel the need to bail. I run, that’s how I handle things. JO called me Saturday night. She has been my best friend since we were 19. She knows me better than most. She brought up something I didn’t want to talk about and my answer for anything that makes me uncomfortable has since college and likely will always be, “Well, I gotta go.” She knows this. It works in every situation. I never explain or offer any excuse. This used to be how I left my one night stands in college and was a running joke amongst my sorority sisters. It’s the same in my relationships. As soon as it’s hard, I gotta go. Self-preservation. I always know what I think, how I feel, what I need, what I’m doing, it’s easier than trying to figure out someone else’s stuff too.