Monogomay

So after all we've been through the back and forth it finally came to an end. After what I thought and understood to be a reconciliation I find out that Buzz slept with the other woman just recently. Recently as in directly after we were heading toward reconciliation. Wtf. Really. Why does this always happen to me? Well, I guess not really this exact situation. This has never happened to me. But why do I get guys who can't commit, who are hooked on other chicks, or who are generally just tools. After a screaming fight, he turns it around to me and what I'm doing wrong to not get him to myself. I can't help but feel that maybe he's right. Maybe it is me. I'm not doing something right to deserve him. But as he's talking I realize I don't know why he says he likes me so much because he tells me he hates nearly everything about me. I'm heartsick. I think I could have dealt if it were before when we were having problems. He says he was done with the show and ready to celebrate. But the point is he decides to celebrate inside another woman and tell me about it. Im sick about it. Literally. I let him take me to lunch and I fall back into the trap for another day. I cried on Friday after I tried to contact him twice with no response. I realized I would never trust him again and it hurts. It hurts so bad I feel like I can't breathe. I can't stop thinking about him and this other girl. Something is not right about this. This can't be love it hurts too much. I want to be with him. That's what sucks. I really do. At the end of the day, I want to be with him. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm drawn to him. I feel broken by him now. I can't do this. I'm never going to be okay with this. It's just not me. He says he's worth it and I want to believe him, but I don't. I'm never going to be the only one. There is always going to be another girl who is more supportive, or skinnier, or prettier, or less crazy. I should be enough that he doesn't care. I think he played me all along to believe that it could happen when he had no intention of ever following through. It's the perfect way to not ever be expected to be monogamous. WHat he didn't understnad is that trust has always been more important to me that monogomay. But this week, I lost all my trust in him.

Lesson learned. Don't date boys who date other girls too. He should want to be exclusive when it's right. If not, move on fast.

Time will tell

I have been doing a lot of sole searching this week and this past weekend. Just thinking about life and my future. Thinking about how to get things back on track. Thinking about Buzz and how our relationship has gone from bad to worse to who freaking knows. I have a feeling that the work stuff will start to work itself out. I just need to keep making progress toward my goals, keep working for it and eventually it will fall into place. As for Buzz, I'm still at a loss. I have been really thinking, do I want to continue to be involved with this? Am I willing to make the compromises that he needs to be happy and will I compromise too much so I'm not happy. I'm not sure anymore if I really like him or if i really like the idea of him. I miss him, that I can't ignore. Today I woke up missing him and it stayed with me all day long. I don't think he understands that I really am trying. That allowing him in is one of the hardest things that I have to do. I want to trust him and support him, but I'm scared. I feel like once I put this out there I have to hold to it and what if he lets me down. What if he is lying about all the other chicks? What if he never has time for me? What if my house and my lifesyle are never good enough for him? Then I've just wasted all this time and emotion for nothing. It's a hard pill to swallow. When to accept defeat. My plan was to keep doing what I'm doing, but clearly that's not working so I guess I need to do something different. I'm just not sure what. I thought long and hard today about what I would say to him and how he would take it. What if it's always like this me walking on eggshells and waiting on him to call? I miss him, I need him around. Maybe that's selfish but I feel neglected and alone. I just want to be with him, spend time with him and be reassured of his commitment. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time making my own commitment.

All the single ladies

I was at a surprise birthday party this past weekend and every young woman that walked in the door was wearing a ring. At some point it sort of starts to make me want to kill someone. I guess when I think about it there were more single women my age than engaged or married, but still. I look at them thinking what's wrong with me. I'm just as cute and fun. I don't know why I've been having these thoughts lately. I guess because I have been having so many relationship problems, I wonder if it really is me. I'm a hot mess. On a good day. I fell on Friday in the street and messed my knee up. I can't help but thinking maybe the universe is trying to tell me something. I literally fell on my face. I fell off my stilettos and hit my chin on the cement. Wow. That's how I have felt this past month played out in slow motion and much more painful. I just need to really focus in on what I want. I need to intentionalize what I am looking for and let the universe know. It's all just a beautiful storm that will pass. Patience is a virtue.

Event tip: It's okay if it rains. I have thought of a rain plan.

And the world spins madly on

I woke up and wished that I was dead with an aching in my head I lay motionless in bed. The thought of you and where you've gone, and the world spins madly on.

Ring

I keep waiting on the phone to ring. I just want to be with him today. I keep thinking he's going to call, but really I know better. Any day but today. I feel like on birthdays it's supposed to be happiness and fun. Not sadness and remorse. I want to cry and scream. My body won't let me. I just feel low. Why did he have to wait til now? Boys suck.

Alone

I'm sad tonight. Rough weekend. Actually it's really just been a rough month. So I'm fairly sure it's over with Buzz and I feel worse about it the more it sets in. I'm hurting. It doesn't surprise me, I feel like part of me knew this was coming it was only just a matter of time. It still hurts though. I can't help but feel like it's always me. I just don't know anymore. I said that to Sue a couple times tonight and she said you do know. You just answered your own questions. I guess I do know most the time, what I don't know is how to make it happen. I was working tonight at a beautiful wedding. Everything was so perfect, even the pouring down rain outside. It was a miserable day for a wedding, but they were so in love nothing else mattered. I couldn't help but wonder if that will ever be me. I thought Buzz was a good candidate. I have been running around like a circus poodle jumping through hoops to make this guy happy. That's the problem. I'm doing all this for him and he's not really doing anything for me. I'm still sad though. My heart hurts. Every time something like this happens it breaks my spirit a bit. I feel like all my fears are coming true. Everything I have been thinking and feeling is over and I have no control over it. I can't force him to love me or be there for me or just answer the f*cking phone. So why do we as women always stress about it? It's just over. All the tears and the sadness won't make him come back to me. Even though I know that it doesn't comfort me. I still feel hurt and sorry and broken down. I want to crawl into my bed and sleep til I feel better. I'm trying to feel positive. I want to not be that girl. Plus tomorrow or rather in eight minutes it's my birthday...I give up.