Time will tell

I have been doing a lot of sole searching this week and this past weekend. Just thinking about life and my future. Thinking about how to get things back on track. Thinking about Buzz and how our relationship has gone from bad to worse to who freaking knows. I have a feeling that the work stuff will start to work itself out. I just need to keep making progress toward my goals, keep working for it and eventually it will fall into place. As for Buzz, I'm still at a loss. I have been really thinking, do I want to continue to be involved with this? Am I willing to make the compromises that he needs to be happy and will I compromise too much so I'm not happy. I'm not sure anymore if I really like him or if i really like the idea of him. I miss him, that I can't ignore. Today I woke up missing him and it stayed with me all day long. I don't think he understands that I really am trying. That allowing him in is one of the hardest things that I have to do. I want to trust him and support him, but I'm scared. I feel like once I put this out there I have to hold to it and what if he lets me down. What if he is lying about all the other chicks? What if he never has time for me? What if my house and my lifesyle are never good enough for him? Then I've just wasted all this time and emotion for nothing. It's a hard pill to swallow. When to accept defeat. My plan was to keep doing what I'm doing, but clearly that's not working so I guess I need to do something different. I'm just not sure what. I thought long and hard today about what I would say to him and how he would take it. What if it's always like this me walking on eggshells and waiting on him to call? I miss him, I need him around. Maybe that's selfish but I feel neglected and alone. I just want to be with him, spend time with him and be reassured of his commitment. I think that's why I'm having such a hard time making my own commitment.