Alone

I'm sad tonight. Rough weekend. Actually it's really just been a rough month. So I'm fairly sure it's over with Buzz and I feel worse about it the more it sets in. I'm hurting. It doesn't surprise me, I feel like part of me knew this was coming it was only just a matter of time. It still hurts though. I can't help but feel like it's always me. I just don't know anymore. I said that to Sue a couple times tonight and she said you do know. You just answered your own questions. I guess I do know most the time, what I don't know is how to make it happen. I was working tonight at a beautiful wedding. Everything was so perfect, even the pouring down rain outside. It was a miserable day for a wedding, but they were so in love nothing else mattered. I couldn't help but wonder if that will ever be me. I thought Buzz was a good candidate. I have been running around like a circus poodle jumping through hoops to make this guy happy. That's the problem. I'm doing all this for him and he's not really doing anything for me. I'm still sad though. My heart hurts. Every time something like this happens it breaks my spirit a bit. I feel like all my fears are coming true. Everything I have been thinking and feeling is over and I have no control over it. I can't force him to love me or be there for me or just answer the f*cking phone. So why do we as women always stress about it? It's just over. All the tears and the sadness won't make him come back to me. Even though I know that it doesn't comfort me. I still feel hurt and sorry and broken down. I want to crawl into my bed and sleep til I feel better. I'm trying to feel positive. I want to not be that girl. Plus tomorrow or rather in eight minutes it's my birthday...I give up.