Monogomay

So after all we've been through the back and forth it finally came to an end. After what I thought and understood to be a reconciliation I find out that Buzz slept with the other woman just recently. Recently as in directly after we were heading toward reconciliation. Wtf. Really. Why does this always happen to me? Well, I guess not really this exact situation. This has never happened to me. But why do I get guys who can't commit, who are hooked on other chicks, or who are generally just tools. After a screaming fight, he turns it around to me and what I'm doing wrong to not get him to myself. I can't help but feel that maybe he's right. Maybe it is me. I'm not doing something right to deserve him. But as he's talking I realize I don't know why he says he likes me so much because he tells me he hates nearly everything about me. I'm heartsick. I think I could have dealt if it were before when we were having problems. He says he was done with the show and ready to celebrate. But the point is he decides to celebrate inside another woman and tell me about it. Im sick about it. Literally. I let him take me to lunch and I fall back into the trap for another day. I cried on Friday after I tried to contact him twice with no response. I realized I would never trust him again and it hurts. It hurts so bad I feel like I can't breathe. I can't stop thinking about him and this other girl. Something is not right about this. This can't be love it hurts too much. I want to be with him. That's what sucks. I really do. At the end of the day, I want to be with him. I can't quite put my finger on it, but I'm drawn to him. I feel broken by him now. I can't do this. I'm never going to be okay with this. It's just not me. He says he's worth it and I want to believe him, but I don't. I'm never going to be the only one. There is always going to be another girl who is more supportive, or skinnier, or prettier, or less crazy. I should be enough that he doesn't care. I think he played me all along to believe that it could happen when he had no intention of ever following through. It's the perfect way to not ever be expected to be monogamous. WHat he didn't understnad is that trust has always been more important to me that monogomay. But this week, I lost all my trust in him.

Lesson learned. Don't date boys who date other girls too. He should want to be exclusive when it's right. If not, move on fast.