I'll never love again

I am afraid to let myself feel completely. I am afraid that I may feel overwhelmed if I really allow myself to feel that hurt. I am trying to keep my mind busy and my head occupied. I felt overwhelmed today. Overwhelmed by grief and guilt. I felt angry and hurt. I notice little things I don't do anymore because of him. I can't check my horoscope, because he was a Virgo too. It's weird, I know. I just don't want to think about how it relates to his life like I have done in the past. I would read it for both of us and see where the day was going to take us. I know in my head that it is better this way. But I feel in my heart that sense of dread and overwhelming sorrow. As the days go by I keep thinking it's going to get better and it doesn't. I think it's getting worse. The more days that go by, I hope he calls and I hope he'll stop by and when he doesn't I am sad. I still wake up at night thinking about him and I check my phone. Just in case he called. He hasn't. I'm devastated.

I was trying to be nice....

He called last night and I knew it was him when the phone rang. It came up private number, but I could feel him before I answered. He wanted to tell me he doesn’t hate me. Uh, thanks for sharing, now I can sleep at night. Don't flatter yourself. I don't give a shit if you hate me or not. He says he's not hurting me but last time I checked they are my feelings and I can feel hurt if I want. He is right though, he is not hurting me. I am hurting myself by continuing in this downward spiral. It's sad really. I had wanted him to call for a week and when he finally did I was so angry I couldn't even focus on what he was saying or what I wanted to say. He repeats himself. Nothing I can say or do will make it right at this point in time. I think Garrett is just his excuse to brush me off. It amazes me that even though Garrett and I talked and he said it was a friendly thing too, Tommy is still convinced I'm trying to sleep with him. I've gotten so used to defending myself to him that I don't even have the energy to really fight back. I try and he tells me to let him talk. I don't really want to hear what he has to say. I think most of it is bullshit. Excuses and exaggerations that he has worked up in his mind. I can't say sorry enough, it doesn't matter with him. He brings up the past, stuff that wasn't true then, he throws in my face now. His perception of reality is altered from what I believe to really be happening. I tell him I love him, but it's mainly out of habit and no longer because I feel it. I remember the first time I wanted to tell him I loved him. I felt like it would explode and I wanted him to know. He did say it back one time, but I know now it was a lie. I keep telling him I love him and I'm sorry. I feel like these are all things I should say. Mainly I feel relieved. I am hurt and angry. I am hurt that he can't see how much I did love him and that if had accepted it sooner, maybe none of this would have happened. I am hurt that he doesn't love me and probably never did. I am hurt that I worked so hard to make things work and they are failing so miserably. I am angry that he won't listen to me because he is so stubborn. I am angry that he never has believed me and will never take my side. He never trusted me and a relationship can't be one sided. He says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and I tell him to quit calling me then. I text him when we get off the phone because I was so angry I couldn’t get my words out on the phone. He is hurting me and I angry he is wrong I do care about him. I have a funny habit of erasing my messages after I send them so I won't reread and obsess. I take a sleeping pill and drift off. I wake up in the night, like every night since I have lived at my new house. I check my phone, like every night, looking for messages from him. There is one. "Look! Like I said, kick rocks, you need to move on, I don't have time for your shit! I was trying to be nice." Why try now? All of a sudden he is trying to be nice. Whatever. I don't have time to let him live rent free in my head anymore. Thanks for calling to tell me you don't hate me, but you do think I'm a piece of shit. I need more too. Thank you for finally setting me free.

Cooking and cleaning and working oh my

I spend 90% of my day responding to other people's needs. My clients, my boss, my assistant, my dog. I want someone who takes care of me at the end of the day. I have to keep control of myself and my team, 40+ hours a week. Then I get off and my mom calls, or my sister, my girlfriend, Buzz. I am trapped on the phone, even though I don't really want to talk but they need to be taken care of too. So I just make conversation. And then I politely excuse myself from the conversation. Tommy says he needs someone else. Someone to take care of him, cook and clean. Even though the feminist in me hates me a little for saying this, I want to be taken care of too. I don't need someone to pay for me, I can make my own money. I want someone to be there when I get home and ask how my day was. Someone who listens when I talk. Offers advice when I need it. I would love to cook and clean for him. Bake cookies at night and plate his food like Vicki does for my dad. I think it's reciprocal. I want the emotional support and I'll give him everything else. I like the idea of being a working mom with a stay at home dad. I love to work. I'm good at it. When I come home at the end of the day, I want my man to be the man. To take care of me for once since all day long I take care of business. I need someone man enough to take care of me, if I wanted to date another woman, I'd be a lesbian. I remember the night I made dinner for Buzz at my new house. We watched a movie after dinner and I cuddled up to him on the couch. For that one moment in time, I felt so complete. So safe and content. But one moment isn't enough to translate into a relationship. He says I don't have what he needs and realistically he doesn’t have what I need either.

Heartbreak. Forgive. Love. Repeat.

It does hurt. It feels like someone put a hole through my heart. Sometimes I feel like I can hardly breathe. Part of me feels like maybe this was just another way for him to pawn off actually having to make a commitment. We should have never tried again after round one. But I wanted so badly to make it work, I would do anything. I would believe anything. I made excuse after excuse for him. I didn't have anything else going on and I wasn't really available to meet anyone else. Part of me feels relieved now. Like I don't have to keep pretending to be something I'm not. I don't have to not do or say things because it might piss him off. I feel like I have slept in months. Especially these past few weeks, I'm up several times a night. My body has conditioned itself to wake up, just in case, I don't want to miss a call or text from him. I think it was all an illusion. Him and me. I don't think it ever really was in reality what I thought it was in my head. I need to get away. Just let my heart have time to heal. Let my mind have time to sort through thought of him and feelings of doubt and regret. Really these few months are just a blip on my map through life. It's seems silly sometimes to get so worked up. Yet, I still can't stop myself. I'm sad and I don't know where to start healing. Time is passing so slowly and I can run fast enough away from the memory of you. I don't know how to feel better. It hurts all the way to my core. I'm heartbroken. I guess somehow I always knew I would end up alone. Or at least without you. It's amazing that the one person you have to live without can make you forget all of the wonderful things you do have. I can't believe everything we have worked for is falling apart again. I wish I could make it right. But sometimes love is so far gone it can't be saved. I should have known he would do this to me again. Ultimately people don't change.