I was trying to be nice....

He called last night and I knew it was him when the phone rang. It came up private number, but I could feel him before I answered. He wanted to tell me he doesn’t hate me. Uh, thanks for sharing, now I can sleep at night. Don't flatter yourself. I don't give a shit if you hate me or not. He says he's not hurting me but last time I checked they are my feelings and I can feel hurt if I want. He is right though, he is not hurting me. I am hurting myself by continuing in this downward spiral. It's sad really. I had wanted him to call for a week and when he finally did I was so angry I couldn't even focus on what he was saying or what I wanted to say. He repeats himself. Nothing I can say or do will make it right at this point in time. I think Garrett is just his excuse to brush me off. It amazes me that even though Garrett and I talked and he said it was a friendly thing too, Tommy is still convinced I'm trying to sleep with him. I've gotten so used to defending myself to him that I don't even have the energy to really fight back. I try and he tells me to let him talk. I don't really want to hear what he has to say. I think most of it is bullshit. Excuses and exaggerations that he has worked up in his mind. I can't say sorry enough, it doesn't matter with him. He brings up the past, stuff that wasn't true then, he throws in my face now. His perception of reality is altered from what I believe to really be happening. I tell him I love him, but it's mainly out of habit and no longer because I feel it. I remember the first time I wanted to tell him I loved him. I felt like it would explode and I wanted him to know. He did say it back one time, but I know now it was a lie. I keep telling him I love him and I'm sorry. I feel like these are all things I should say. Mainly I feel relieved. I am hurt and angry. I am hurt that he can't see how much I did love him and that if had accepted it sooner, maybe none of this would have happened. I am hurt that he doesn't love me and probably never did. I am hurt that I worked so hard to make things work and they are failing so miserably. I am angry that he won't listen to me because he is so stubborn. I am angry that he never has believed me and will never take my side. He never trusted me and a relationship can't be one sided. He says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore and I tell him to quit calling me then. I text him when we get off the phone because I was so angry I couldn’t get my words out on the phone. He is hurting me and I angry he is wrong I do care about him. I have a funny habit of erasing my messages after I send them so I won't reread and obsess. I take a sleeping pill and drift off. I wake up in the night, like every night since I have lived at my new house. I check my phone, like every night, looking for messages from him. There is one. "Look! Like I said, kick rocks, you need to move on, I don't have time for your shit! I was trying to be nice." Why try now? All of a sudden he is trying to be nice. Whatever. I don't have time to let him live rent free in my head anymore. Thanks for calling to tell me you don't hate me, but you do think I'm a piece of shit. I need more too. Thank you for finally setting me free.