I Ain't Settlin

I don't want to settle. I'm very firm on my belief that I can wait until "the right man" comes along. I'm being to feel like the right man is the equivalent to the holy grail. You know it exists, but you will never find it. I think that's why we have so much divorce lately. In the older days, people were forced to settle because divorce was so taboo. Now it's much more common so people aren't worried about the ramifications of a divorce. It's like tattoos, everyone's got one these days. It's more rare to find someone without. These days people for are my age usually have 3 kids with 2 different dads and have been divorced at least once. People our parents age have most likely been divorced 3 or 4 times.

We see it in the media, it's a race down the aisle. People who don't get married typically last longer than those who do. Still, the damage done by society still remains in effect today. Women are expected to grow up and get married, pop out some kids. Everyone celebrates marriage, but those of us who are still single at 25, 28, or God forbid 30, are looked at with sad eyes that say "Don't worry it will happen for you." Just what I want, my very own loveless marriage. The new message for women should be don't settle. Focus and your career and your needs, and eventually the rest will happen. Not to mention that it will be a more meaningful and adult relationship than anything you could have produced at 20.

Relationship

They say if you love someone set them free and if they come back it's meant to be. But what if when you come back, they don't want you. Sometimes fate works in funny ways. I think people in relationships often settle because it's easier than being alone. It hard to break up with someone, especially when you live together and there is the merging of things and then the separating of things. I wonder if some people would settle forever just because it comfortable. People in this world hate to be comfortable.

Sometimes I think him and I are meant to be. I have always kept him around. I like him, I really do. I think he knows me better than I know myself. I you ask him, he would probably say the same. The miracle is, he loves me anyway. He told me today that we have a strange, dysfunctional relationship, but that he'd rather have that than nothing at all. I feel completely the same way. I don't know what I would do without him. I told him that I need him. We both know that's a lie. I don't need anyone. I want him and that's a very big difference.

It amazes me that after everything he knows I've done and everything he knows I'll do. He's never asked me to change. He's the only man I have ever been with that has really accepted all of me and stayed anyway. He's got a girlfriend so maybe that's why he can tolerate me. He doesn't actually have to see me. The men who have to actually be around me know better. I'm capable of really anything. Sometimes I don't even know what I'm going to do. Being predictable is really not one of my strong suits. I guess that's why I'm not a relationship person.

Technology

I had a bride text me the other day asking some questions about the facility. I am going to have to start programming all my brides and clients into my phone because I had no idea who it was. I didn't want to ask her because I do want her to feel like she is the only bride I have to worry about, although that is not the case. It's becoming a regular occurence though. I had a client I work with a bunch text me about a lunch he needed catered. It works though, spare me the phone call, I don't have time anyway. I love the text. I'm going to start telling brides, text me if you have questions, ha. Love it. It's going to be so much easier. Blackberry IM me if you have questions. Don't call or email. Wow. Technology right. This is where my focus should always be. I feel good about myself when work is going well. I get less complaints and more compliments. I lost site of that for a bit and I'm glad it's back this way. I guess it's all about balance. Work has always been something I'm really good at. I work hard, people love me, and I'm good with details. I guess it's all about balance. Having a social life, personal life, time alone, time with family, time with dogs, time with the man, plus work. Brides don't care what is going on in my life, this is all about them. And it should be.

Moving On

I was missing Buzz today. More than usual. I think more than anything I miss the idea of him. I'm actually doing really good. I am sad with the way things ended but I guess that is part of life. We don't ever get to choose how things go for us. As much as I may have wanted it to work it just wasn't in the cards for us. I must say that I am enjoying the woman that I have become after Buzz. I am finally getting back into a good place. Things have been rocky, but I am really moving forward. I love that he inspired me to be clean. I am aware of the house more than I was before. I still need a little help, but the first step is admitting that you have a problem :) I have made so many changes to my place. The energy is changing from all the changes I have made and it's funny that he's never even been here to see them. That was part of the problem, he could never see what I was doing for him. I'm finally getting back into the swing of things. I'm myself again with friends and I'm back spending more time with family. I'm loving the time I spend at home and the dogs are under control. Pansy is off the counters and sleeping in her bed in her room. She still sits on the kitchen table sometimes but I'm working on it. I am getting back into my groove at work. I'm on my phone calls, answering the cell and chatting with little old ladies for twenty minutes on the phone at 9:30 at night about the difference between smoked and grilled chicken. I had an appointment today with my new florist and I feel confident about my vision for Bridal Preview. I'm excited about the design and I feel good about the new vendor relationship. I had lost sight of how happy this life makes me. I forgot how it felt to be excited about the planning and the details to make my vision come to life. I'm finally scrapbooking again and doing some of my best work ever. I figure the writing will come too. Baby steps.

Timing

I work in an industry where I deal with couples all the time. I deal with brides every day. Happy couples are everywhere. I love what I do. I really do. I am so lucky to be able to work with people every day. And I'm good at it. I think it is harder to be a single woman than it is to be a single man. Men move on very easily after a breakup. They quickly find another woman to spend their time with and they forget. Woman internalize a lot of emotion. We rethink all of our actions throughout the duration of the relationship. We wonder where he's at and who he's with. Does he miss us? It's hard to want to put yourself out there again after feeling what we do after a relationship has run it's course. Women are amazing creatures. We are strong and resilient. We pick ourselves up after a fall like this and move along. This experience the past few weeks has changed me. And now that I'm not drinking anymore I'm finally seeing things clearly. It's amazing how the timing of it all can be so off though. Not only with Buzz, but with Joey. I don't know why or how we got to this place again. It was almost exactly a year ago that we were here before. I was thinking tonight that I have been selfish. I have no right to even think he should give me a second chance. Because now all of a sudden I'm ready, I think he should drop everything for me. It's not fair to him. I wasn't ready before, he isn't ready now. The time is off and who knows what the future will hold.

The Past

I don't know why he's with her when he wants to be with me. It's clear there is still something there. Of all the men in my life that I have thought were the one. I have thought that some of the men I've been with, Buzz, Harrison, Hank, have really understood me. I have always discounted Joey. I have never really given him a chance. He has always seen something in me. When we were freshman in college we used to talk on the phone for hours when we were both stuck at our families for the holidays. He stayed even when I tried to push him away. I'm not easy to live with. Or even be around. I used to walk across campus to sleep in his twin bed with him. I'd wear his clothes home in the morning. I remember the first time we had sex. We had been messing around for months and I stayed the night with him during Spring Break and I let him go all the way. We were just kids then. I moved into the sorority and he moved to his apartment in south town. I used to call him when I would get drunk with the girls and he always came. Every time I call him, he always comes. I realize now that he never changed the game. I did. I changed when I moved into the house. I changed when I became part of the "popular" crowd, something I never was in high school. I became friends with Jocelyn and I really cared what everyone thought about me. I let him go. I was so worried about what everyone else was thinking I let him go. I did some really horrible things to him and he still comes around. He's never done anything wrong to me. In all the time I've known him, he has never done anything to deliberately hurt me. I think that part of him has never really forgiven me for all the shit I've put him through. I think that's why he stays with her. I don't think he thinks I'll ever settle down. He doesn't trust me to be the dotting stay at home girlfriend. Because he knows me too well. How did we get here? He's probably right. I don't trust myself not to hurt him again. I don't blame him. I could have had him years ago if I had figured it out then. I don't think it would have ever worked then. I had too much life to live. I think the best thing he ever did to keep me, was to never hold me to close. I have no idea why he stays around me. I think he knows me better than I do. If I could write the ending to our story it would be me and him. I always said that in college. We were going to end up together. I'm not so sure anymore. I would do anything for him to love me and want me like he used to. I just don't know that he ever will again.

The illusion of relationships

I just had to say "It's not you, it's me" on a first date. It's getting to that. My dating life has got to that point. I'm not even going to continue the date, it stops here and I'm going home. Sometimes I think it's me that's the reason I'm still single. But then I see a really great couple come into my office. They are older a few years than me and I think this is what I'm waiting for, a relationship that is going to last. Guys are always worried that a woman is trying to trick them into a relationship. If I have to hear I'm not looking for a relationship one more time I am seriously going to punch the next guy in the balls. It's kind of like a polite way of saying I just want to get laid. So what they are really saying is I'm going to pretend it's going somewhere while the sex is good and until I find someone else I like better. I'm not a relationship person. I usually assume the role of the man. I don't want to talk about feelings or hang out every day. I love being alone. I really do. I think that guys think they don't want a relationship because it means being tied down. But they are all to willing to tie you down. Like with Buzz, he's free spirit because he likes to sleep around. But when I do it, I'm a big whore. Funny thing, I tamed down for him. Everyone who knows me knows, I'm not into relationships. It's too much work. I always know what I'm doing. How I'm feeling. What I'm thinking. I can't worry about someone else. It's too much. I think that women who know what they want and wont settle for less are really intimidating to a man. He thinks he's the cat's pajamas and when I don't feel the same he gets pissed and leaves for that girl who won't leave because she is actually holding on to the belief that one day it will just be the two of them. I think some people are just hopelessly single. Like me. I'm only dating married, engaged, or men with girlfriends from now on. That way I can send them home to their bitch when they start to piss me off. I don't have time to deal with your issues. I've got enough of my own.

PS. I just saw a couple riding a tandem bicycle and I threw up a little bit in my mouth.