The Past

I don't know why he's with her when he wants to be with me. It's clear there is still something there. Of all the men in my life that I have thought were the one. I have thought that some of the men I've been with, Buzz, Harrison, Hank, have really understood me. I have always discounted Joey. I have never really given him a chance. He has always seen something in me. When we were freshman in college we used to talk on the phone for hours when we were both stuck at our families for the holidays. He stayed even when I tried to push him away. I'm not easy to live with. Or even be around. I used to walk across campus to sleep in his twin bed with him. I'd wear his clothes home in the morning. I remember the first time we had sex. We had been messing around for months and I stayed the night with him during Spring Break and I let him go all the way. We were just kids then. I moved into the sorority and he moved to his apartment in south town. I used to call him when I would get drunk with the girls and he always came. Every time I call him, he always comes. I realize now that he never changed the game. I did. I changed when I moved into the house. I changed when I became part of the "popular" crowd, something I never was in high school. I became friends with Jocelyn and I really cared what everyone thought about me. I let him go. I was so worried about what everyone else was thinking I let him go. I did some really horrible things to him and he still comes around. He's never done anything wrong to me. In all the time I've known him, he has never done anything to deliberately hurt me. I think that part of him has never really forgiven me for all the shit I've put him through. I think that's why he stays with her. I don't think he thinks I'll ever settle down. He doesn't trust me to be the dotting stay at home girlfriend. Because he knows me too well. How did we get here? He's probably right. I don't trust myself not to hurt him again. I don't blame him. I could have had him years ago if I had figured it out then. I don't think it would have ever worked then. I had too much life to live. I think the best thing he ever did to keep me, was to never hold me to close. I have no idea why he stays around me. I think he knows me better than I do. If I could write the ending to our story it would be me and him. I always said that in college. We were going to end up together. I'm not so sure anymore. I would do anything for him to love me and want me like he used to. I just don't know that he ever will again.