Relationships....

I am amazed at where I have been this past few months. I picture everyone in a room, sitting around talking about me. As if I am that important. It is really wasted time and energy to sit around and wonder about what other people are thinking. I have no control over it. That truly is the "wisdom to know the difference". I cannot control them. What they think about me, how they feel about me, what they believe to be true about me. I am feeling good these days. Really good. Happy and healthy. I am always surprised how easily I fall into the same patterns though. With Buzz. He's calling, calling, calling. And I always answer. But lately, I don't really feel like talking. I'm tired of jumping through hoops like a f*cking circus poodle. He said tonight, "What? Have you been reading Cosmo? 15 ways to get your man to pay attention?" I said to him, "You're not my man." Bitch, please. He keeps telling me I am lucky that he calls. Am I? F*ck. He is so much work! He says to me, "Who is over there? There are men there?" I'm thinking, "Baby, you keep me busy enough." He knows what I want. It's not surprise to him. He isn't in the dark. He knows my heart and exactly what to say to make me feel connected to him. He is working it. And I'm falling for it. So then, after a bottle of wine, I'm sitting here getting the usual sexts. All the men hanging around have got to get a word in and I give them a little bit back. My mom has always said, you can never have too many friends. I'm in charge. I'm the boss. I thought that today while I was staying late to finish billing and thinking this is why I'm not the assistant. I have got to get sh*t done. I let Buzz pretend to be in charge. He told me tonight, "Okay, I'll play along." Of course you will. Play along. I don't have the time or the energy to pretend and the fact that I will spend even an hour on the phone with you is proof enough that I can't be that big of b*tch you actually think I am. I probably am though. Oh well. I do take some regard to exactly the situation before I get involved, which makes me cautious about everything going down. If G was still at work, I would have probably been fired by now. I hate even knowing that he still has friends there, because I can only imagine what they are saying to him. I have already heard the rumors from his so called friends. I can put together about what he thinks about me. I got b*tches mean mugging me from across the restaurant. I get it. I wasn't born yesterday. I may be blonde but I do get what's going on. It is hard though still. I feel sad. I got on his myspace tonight and looked at shit, I definitely shouldn't look at now and probably should have known about then. Any man that can't take his b*tch off the myspace has got more going on then I can deal with. I should be taking lessons. I do consider myself to be a badass bitch, but when this one can even leash me, that is impressive. No wonder. I don't blame him. Never did, never will. Yes, I am angry that he ran me to hell and back. Wait... He ran me to hell and left me there to fend for myself. Not exactly the man of my dreams. I'm coming back though. With a vengeance.

Blessings in Disguise

I am truly amazed at how evil people can be to one another. Especially women. Women are terrible to each other. I was thinking about it all night and why would this be the case. I still can't find the answer. Another woman hurt me today. Standing in front of a cowardly man, a woman I have never me before said some of the most hurtful things I have ever experienced. She didn't even know me. She knew my name. But she doesn't know me. She doesn't know that I have two dogs that misbehave and I love them anyway. She doesn't know that my mom is in the hospital and that I am disappointed I can't be with my family right now. She doesn't know that I struggle with panic attacks and anxiety. Or that I am battling depression. She doesn't know that my best friend is getting married in two weeks and I am slightly overwhelmed by the planning. She doesn't know that my dad and Vicki got baby goats this weekend, or that I am going over Sunday to see them. She doesn't know that I just got a huge raise and for the first time in my life I am making enough money to pay my rent and my cable in the same month. She has no idea the very details that make up my spirit. She may believe what he's told her. But she doesn't know me. Jocelyn knows me. She knows that sometimes I am flaky and that I keep telling her I will come visit and as bad as I want to I haven't made it there yet. She knows it could be another month but that I will keep my promises. Amber knows me. She knows that I am never enthusiastic about hanging out because I'm so private but that I always love to see her. She knows that we may not see each other again for awhile but when we do it will be like we were never apart. Kristi knows me. She knows that I have been really struggling with some of the decisions I have had to make these days and that I will probably still continue to make poor ones. She knows that I am comfortable telling her anything and that I always will. Stephanie knows me. She knows that I will call her whenever I need her and I know that she will always be there. She knows that I will never leave her side because I am my own person and that she can believe I will always be truthful. Darci knows me. She knows that I order Hamms in a can because it's the cheapest beer out there and that you only ever have buy one. Darci knows exactly when I don't like something or I am acting fake because I am always myself around her. They know every piece of my heart and the love me anyway. They know my character. The know my spirit. They know the hardships I have faced in life and they continue to walk beside me through more. I consider them extensions of my heart. I am amazed and inspired by them daily. I am grateful for my friends. These woman would never believe rumors about me because they know my character. They know exactly who I am, including my faults. I never made promises that I would be anything that I'm not. I have flaws. I make mistakes. I make poor choices and worse decisions. I react in anger before I think about the repercussions. I am completely honest to a fault. I struggle with my weight and at times in causes me to be insecure. I'm not always a good person but I am always a friend. Friendship is an unconditional love and respect. I trust everyone. I think that is my biggest fault. Actually that's not true, I don't trust everyone. I genuinely believe that people are good. I trust that people are good until I have reason not too. Rumors are vicious things. There are always two sides to ever story, but only one side ever gets told. She believes what he is telling her about me although I am certain he has left some details out. As humans, we can always spin a story to sound exactly how we want it to. Especially when the person you are talking about isn't around to defend themselves. I lost the energy to defend myself anyway. I wanted to fight back. I was angry and hurt be this girl, not even a woman, spouting off about a situation she knows nothing about. Not to mention, this little boy I thought was my friend is talking negatively about something I shared with him in confidence. Ultimately I feel like I brought this on myself. I fed into the drama and the lies because I was so angry. Here are two people who know nothing about me, I won't even dignify them with names. Him a boy to cowardly to speak to me himself, sending a woman in to fight for him. And to be honest, I still I'm not sure what or why just happened. Then there is her, a girl who knows nothing about me, has never met me, and has the edacity to say such hurtful things to me. When everything she says is based of lies he is telling her. I was floored. My feelings were hurt and I was upset. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. Betrayed. I felt helpless and hopeless. I wanted to react in anger and fight back, but a friend told me tonight to let it go. And I realize now that is all I can do. People say hurtful things because they don't know any better. It is not about her or what she has to say. Who I am has nothing to do with who she says I am or he says I am or who G says I am. I am me. This is who I am. And I won't offer apologies for it anymore.

The Blame Game

I am tired. Tired of feeling sad and overwhelmed. Hopeless. For woman at this stage, many thoughts run through our minds. Vindication. Redemption. Our minds are full of what ifs, and what might have been. Maybe what SHOULD have been. There are many reasons relationships fail. We like to blame them on you. But what if all along the problem is us. Me in particular. I do seem to be the common denominator. Maybe all this time I thought he wasn't ready and really all this time its been me. I have so much going on that I need to work on. I can't even begin to think about someone else to. But I want to. I want so much to be in a relationship with a good man, who really loves me. I'm not even sure I know one of those or if it really exists. But I can be hopeful. Even when there are so many reasons to give up and so many temptations to resist. It's not easy to do when there are so many reasons not to believe.

Again

I just feel so lost. I keep wondering if I have made the right decisions. I feel so alone. Broken and tired. Lately I feel like all I do is lay in pain and sleep. Just taking care of myself until I start to feel normal again. I'm sad. All the time I feel sad. I am bummed at the way everything turned out. It seems like everything changed in the blink of an eye. I was so happy and things were going so well and now this. I'm just so overwhelmed by everything that's happened. I don't even know where to begin to sort it all out. But I do know that I don't want to be this woman. I don't even recognize myself anymore. My heart is broken in a million pieces. I want to lay in bed until I wake up and everything is okay. I thought I knew heartbreak and grief before. This is like nothing I have ever known. But I'm hopeful, one day at a time things are getting better.

Sex and relationships... relationships and sex?

I think a man loses a little respect for a woman when it all happens so fast. Like fire, when it's so hot and powerful it burns out quickly. Whether or not you want to agree, it's true. It was too easy for him. The man that I see now and the goofy boy that came to pick me up for the Rose Festival are two very different people. G said to me that it never would have worked out. I guess that's true, he was never looking for a relationship, he was rebounding. And I guess I sort of was too. I shouldn't have got involved. It was too soon for me and I want something different. Something more than I had with Buzz or with any of the other little boys that follow me around hoping for a piece. I'm ready for something serious. A commitment and a relationship. I waited for so long with Buzz and we went back and forth and I'm still not sure what really happened or how I would define our relationship. When I was with him it was so different and so much better than anything I had ever had. I fell hard almost instantly because he is a good man. He offered me everything Buzz hadn't. And I was a sucker for it. I still don't really know what happened. It was good and then it wasn't. I know a lot of it was me. I am a lot to handle. I have been cheated on and pushed around and left alone more times than I care to say. I think a lot of that is my fault to. I set myself up for disappointment. I want what I want and I'm not good at communicating my needs and when I do it never comes out right. I have a passion and an intensity that scares even me sometimes. I feel very deeply and I love openly and give myself freely. I think that I overcompensate because I want so bad to be wanted and loved back. I tried daily to remind myself that you were not him. I can't punish G for everything Buzz did wrong. But part of me still tried. I hung around longer than I should have because I honestly thought that we could work it out. But it can't work when we are stuck on the same issues. I can't change him. He can't change me. It is what it is.

Alone

I'm tired of seeking approval. I'm waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my facebook. I blocked him from my facebook and yet I keep checking, thinking maybe by some miracle of computers and the internet, he may have messaged me. What I want is for him to show up on my doorstep saying he's sorry and he loves me. Or just that he's sorry and he wants me back. Or if he text. Or if he messaged. It's stupid really. Most the time I won't even wait for him to say he's sorry. It's ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous. Waiting around and wasting my time. It hurts though, to feel rejected and alone. I keep wondering when it will finally happen for me and why it hasn't yet. Why can't I just find a good guy that genuinely wants to be with me? It's exhausting to think about nothing but the failing relationships in my life. I have been trying to focus that energy else where. Productive things like work and reading. My skin is tired and I have dark circles. I have been so distracted letting myself think of nothing else. It's hard to be alone. To really be alone and allow that feeling to overwhelm. I'm lonely regardless. So I might as well be alone too. It's either that or the constant back and forth of a relationship that doesn't work. At some point you are either moving back or progressing forward. We can't just stand still. I don't want to go back. Life is about advancement. It's not working. That much I can see. We can only do so much. So I need to change the things I can. I can change that I don't have to talk to them. All those little boys running around thinking they are men. I can't find a good man when I'm distracted by all of this other drama.