Alone

I'm tired of seeking approval. I'm waiting for the phone to ring. Or checking my facebook. I blocked him from my facebook and yet I keep checking, thinking maybe by some miracle of computers and the internet, he may have messaged me. What I want is for him to show up on my doorstep saying he's sorry and he loves me. Or just that he's sorry and he wants me back. Or if he text. Or if he messaged. It's stupid really. Most the time I won't even wait for him to say he's sorry. It's ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous. Waiting around and wasting my time. It hurts though, to feel rejected and alone. I keep wondering when it will finally happen for me and why it hasn't yet. Why can't I just find a good guy that genuinely wants to be with me? It's exhausting to think about nothing but the failing relationships in my life. I have been trying to focus that energy else where. Productive things like work and reading. My skin is tired and I have dark circles. I have been so distracted letting myself think of nothing else. It's hard to be alone. To really be alone and allow that feeling to overwhelm. I'm lonely regardless. So I might as well be alone too. It's either that or the constant back and forth of a relationship that doesn't work. At some point you are either moving back or progressing forward. We can't just stand still. I don't want to go back. Life is about advancement. It's not working. That much I can see. We can only do so much. So I need to change the things I can. I can change that I don't have to talk to them. All those little boys running around thinking they are men. I can't find a good man when I'm distracted by all of this other drama.